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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is it?

28 replies

Advice1234 · 20/12/2019 12:22

My 17 year old child has been grounded and lost her pocket money last month due to behaviour.

My partner this morning opened my daughters bank statement (by mistake) and checked how much money I had sent my daughter over the last month (I also send her dinner money etc.)

Because there was £70 of transactions into the account (the one pocket money she hasn’t lost and dinner money) my partner than angrily approached me with the bank statement demanding to know what I had sent to my daughter and why. Claiming that I am disrespecting my partner and accusing me of giving her the pocket money even though she lost it.

My partners view is that I am allowing my daughter to get away with bad behaviour. My view is that my partner should have known the money was for other things and had no right to accuse me and question me in this way. For clarity I had not given her the pocket money she lost, it was lunch money.

I really feel like the relationship is now over due to this. I’ve been in a previous relationship where every penny of my finances were tracked and this happening this morning made me feel panicked due to this. I can’t bear to live that again.

Am I overreacting or would you feel the same?

YABU - I would end this relationship
YABU - you are overreacting

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice1234 · 20/12/2019 12:25

Sorry that should say

YANBU - end the relationship
YANU - you are overeacting

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 20/12/2019 12:25

If your internal alarm bells have been set off by this, I’d listen to them. Especially as you say you have experienced this before.

I voted “YANBU” to react this way. Your OP says YABU for both options 🙈

Icanflyhigh · 20/12/2019 12:26

Is she your partners daughter too?

LuluBellaBlue · 20/12/2019 12:26

I gather he’s not her father from your post?
If so he’s being totally unreasonable!

Orchidflower1 · 20/12/2019 12:28

If he is not her father he has no say

Yesterdayallmyfish · 20/12/2019 12:30

I don't know if you should leave him for this one isolated incident but I get the impression that it is possibly the straw that broke the camel's back.

Original poster
Advice1234 · 20/12/2019 12:30

No she’s not my partners daughter but my partner has raised her since she was 4 years old. It was my partner who took her pocket money off her hence me being accused of giving it to her anyway as I sometimes disagree with the punishments. I’ve now proved to my partner what all the payments are and I hadn’t given her the pocket money but I feel the fact that I’ve even had to do this means that’s it. If after 12 years my partner can’t trust me there is no relationship.

OP posts:
Pilot12 · 20/12/2019 12:30

It sounds like your partner has jumped the gun and over reacted without looking at the full picture. Can you show him her bank statements for the past couple of months to show that this months payment has been omitted.

I'm wondering why you've paid her lunch money when it's the Christmas holidays and why does she have lunch money left in her account when it's the end of term. Should it not have been spent on lunches?

Winterdaysarehere · 20/12/2019 12:33

Ltb. He is a twat.

Megan2018 · 20/12/2019 12:36

I wouldn’t end a 12 year relationship over that, if it is literally the only issue. But is there more to it? Sounds like it might be?

Original poster
Advice1234 · 20/12/2019 12:36

@Pilot12 The statement is from November. There is no money left in her account it’s been spent.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 20/12/2019 12:43

I doubt very much he opened the bank statement by mistake. By his reaction, it sounds like he was checking it.

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/12/2019 12:44

Opened her bank statement by accident my arse! Even if that was true he then carefully read it and worked out which transactions were from you. It should have been a quick glance, a woops and an apology to your daughter!

Like fuck should be showing previous statements to prove yourself. Firstly, they are her private documents and secondly you have nothing to prove.

How often do you disagree with his punishments? A lose of a whole month's is extreme - did her behaviour really justify this? Did he discuss it with you first or just lay down the law and expect you both to comply?

LifeSpectator · 20/12/2019 12:49

i agree with @Thingsdogetbetter,

Lipz · 20/12/2019 12:50

That's not normal behaviour. Questioning you like that and getting you to prove where money went. Ok, I'd kind of get it if you were spending millions.

He opened someone else's post. That's illegal. If it was a genuine mistake he would have closed it back up and not looked but instead he became Colombo and questioned you. That's all kind of fucked up.

If you want to give your child money for lunches you don't need to explain yourself to him.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/12/2019 12:51

I think he's out of line for:
a) Actually reading her bank statement once he'd opened it "by mistake"
b) approaching you with an accusation of giving her pocket money (rather than a question"I happened to notice you'd been transferring money - what was that for?")
c)not accepting your word, so you had to "prove" what the payments were,

but above all

d) Feeling he has the right to determine punishments for your daughter against your judgement, and insisting that you uphold any punishment that he imposes.

If you could have it out with him and he were to admit he'd been in the wrong and would change his ways, then, no, I wouldn't leave over one incident. But if he didn't change, I don't think I could live long with someone who treated me like that.

Damntheman · 20/12/2019 12:53

If this is the only problem you have I don't think I'd be ending the relationship. But I would be sitting down together to have a serious talk about why he doesn't feel he could trust you and why he would leap to a conclusion without calmly asking first.

Seems a bit shitty that he would check up on your daughter and you like that.

Skysblue · 20/12/2019 12:54

Normally I am very slow to say end a relationship but something is wrong with this one.

  1. He has no right to hand out big punishments like that to your daughter unless you also agree them.
  2. His punishment sounds over the top and power trippy. He’s using money to try to control her instead of something more mature like addressing the causes of the behaviour/ giving her chores etc.
  3. I do not believe that he opened the bank statement by accident. He was checking up on you / enjoying a power trip.
  4. Having a go at you and expecting to see ‘proof’ instead of accepting your word is beyond disrespectful.

Do you trust him implicitly? Do you want to grow old with him? Do you find him sexy? Do you feel like he always has your back? Is he generally kind and respectful to you and your daughter? If you can’t instantly answer ‘yes’ to all of those then it probably is a dead relationship. Very sorry.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/12/2019 12:57

I don’t think I would end a 14 year relationship over this unless there were other issues, but there probably are other issues. I do not think your partner should be checking your 17 year old daughter’s bank statement.

BarbedBloom · 20/12/2019 13:26

I want to know why she lost her pocket money in the first place to be honest. She's 17 so imagine it must have been something bad.

I would be furious if once he had opened it he continued to read it. He should not be looking at a 17 year olds mail in the first place and he has no right to demand previous statements.

Original poster
Advice1234 · 20/12/2019 13:36

@barbedbloom She threatened my other child. She says it was joking, other child was very upset by it. She actually lost her pocket money for 2 months but it’s only the 1 month that my partner was questioning me about.

OP posts:
Therunecaster · 20/12/2019 13:39

He sounds awful.

Ellisandra · 20/12/2019 13:43

Unsurprisingly I’m not the first to say this: accident my arse.

In 50 years of receiving bank statements, I have never once opened one by accident.
Even when I was married and had the same initial and surname as my husband, and the same bank.

He was checking up on you. Tell him to fuck off.

Ellisandra · 20/12/2019 13:46

Isn’t it also really interesting that he innocently opened her statement by accident, the very month he had told you what to do with your money?
That is some coincidence there.

Even if it was such a coincidence Hmm - and I cannot roll my eyes any harder on that - I would spot immediately that it wasn’t mine and not then he checking by line and date for the “evidence” to confront you.

TwoOddSocks · 20/12/2019 13:46

He sounds very controlling. Why on earth is he reading her bank statement and approaching you so aggressively about it. Also she's 17 not 7 this all sounds very infantilising. Next year she might well be out of the house and long shot of you all - you're meant to be establishing an adult relationship.

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