AIBU?

[prayingfortime]

Big argument with DH yesterday

He called me during my work Christmas party and basically ranted down the phone about his ex and the way she wants the holiday contact with his DC to go.

I left the party to read the email she sent, he got upset with me because I told him I couldn't listen to him ranting and read the message at the same time, and as such I said goodbye and told him I'd call him back. Please note that at this point I was shaking and panicky because of his irate tone...I know this seems irrational but raised voices are a trigger for me...even though he wasn't angry AT me, if that makes sense.

I read the email, and yes, the ex isn't sticking to the court order, however, her version of the holidays actually makes more sense.

I called him back and told him I thought her proposal seemed okay. But he just got hugely offended that I wasn't siding with him and didn't have his back about it. She has form for creating drama and dictating dates and time and locations etc. and this is just the latest example of this. She has breached the court order several times now and he is sick of it.

The argument escalated because of the way he was ranting at me, I told him how it made me feel, but he continued and I ended up hanging up and going back to the party. I largely ignored his texts during the evening and ended up staying at my mums.

This morning I have told him I don't want to hear from him. The way he spoke to me last night has really badly affected me and I don't want to see or hear from him.

AIBU and over the top about this? Not sure how to progress from here, any advice welcome. Please try to be kind as I am fragile atm (and hungover)

YANBU. It doesn't sound like the email from his ex was an emergency (she didn't say she was on a plane to Australia with the kids never to return), more something DH found annoying and wanted to rant about. HE should never have interrupted your Christmas party with it in the first place. Is he normally so irate?

No he very very rarely gets angry.

His ex has pushed and pushed recently with a number of things and I think he just exploded.

How long have you been together?

6 years

It's not what I'd have done in your place, especially if it's out of character for the other person.

It was a knee jerk reaction to being ranted at, plus I'd had some wine.

I told him that I didn't like being shouted at, and that if he didn't want to hear my opinion, why call me at all? I told him I would always have his back, but in this instance wouldn't it be easier to just agree to he dates she proposed?

He basically said he couldn't believe I was siding with her, after all the trouble she causes, after all the times she cites the court order but then doesn't stick to it when it suits her.

My argument was, I am allowed to think for myself, and I think this time, her way is actually better. He thinks they should stick to the order out of principal.

Anyway that's all by the by. It was the way he spoke to me that has stuck in my throat. And dragging me out of the party for it too? Then being aggrieved when I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear?

This morning he reiterated how upset he was with me, whilst apologising for one of the things he said.

I told him to leave me alone.

He really should have waited to discuss this in person...not calling you up at a christmas party and ruining your night out.

I don't think there was any reasoning with him last night so leaving him to it was probably for the best.

Are you at work today?

I'd consider sending him a message and explaining that his behaviour towards you was unnecessary and unreasonable, that you get he's upset and that if he's willing to have a sensible discussion about it, then you can do so when he gets home.
Make it very clear it's not about taking sides and if he's not willing to take your opinion on board you'd rather he sorts it with ex himself.

I don't think there was any reasoning with him last night so leaving him to it was probably for the best.

I thought this too, however this just made him more upset, that I was ignoring him.

I can't bring myself to message him just yet. I am too upset by it all.

Also, I did send him a long text after the call ended, explaining how I felt and that I understood why he was angry. I reiterated how I felt about him ranting at me, and asked him how we could resolve this as loving adult.

His response was more ranting about the holiday arrangement.

That's when I decided to put my phone away and try to enjoy the rest of the night. He kept on texting me and getting more and more upset with my non response.

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

It feels like it was more about the fact he wasn't your priority than the arrangement in itself that upset him.

In that case, I'd just leave him to it until he calms down properly.

It wasn't fair for him to try to ruin your night like that. Has he ever been like this before when you've been on nights out?

It wasn't fair for him to try to ruin your night like that. Has he ever been like this before when you've been on nights out?

Not as such. He does worry about me going out as I am a lightweight and always try and keep up with my friends, which ends up in me getting drunk. Doesn't happen often though. But I always have a sense of anxiety that a night out will end up in him being upset that I got silly drunk.

Although I guess that's my problem really.

There's your issue.
I think he created a mountain out of a molehill to encourage you to leave the party early.

He's not angry that you didn't agree with him because judging by what you've said, had you had that conversation at home, he'd have taken your point on board.

It sounds to me like he's angry that you didn't think "oh I best go home and make him feel better" like he wanted you to.

If you don't go out often you're allowed to go out and get silly drunk sometimes.

I think he created a mountain out of a molehill to encourage you to leave the party early - I think this might have an element of truth to it.

He's not angry that you didn't agree with him because judging by what you've said, had you had that conversation at home, he'd have taken your point on board - no, I don't think this is the case. He wanted me to agree with him, whether I was at home or at the party. Actually I'm not even sure he wanted my opinion at all. I think he just wanted to shout about her, and was upset when I wouldn't allow him to shout at me.

actually to be fair to him, this explosion has been a long time coming...I'm surprised its taken this long. The ex really is antagonistic and has ramped it up recently.

Yanbu

The stuff with his ex wasn’t your problem. You were kind to engage at all. He shouldn’t have bothered you with it during your party. Let alone ranting.

And you’re allowed to get silly drunk sometimes.

Is he always manipulate and controlling?

Is he always manipulate and controlling?

I am hyper vigilant when it comes to abusive behaviours. I volunteer at Women's Aid and am involved with training people in DA. I really hope I would notice if he was manipulative / controlling. I haven't noticed it in all the years I've been with him, although I recognise that I may be blind in love too.

He shouldn’t have phoned you and ruined your party but if I’m honest I do think you’re being a teeny bit dramatic.

The stuff with his ex wasn’t your problem. You were kind to engage at all

He has been immensely supportive to me during my rough times with my ex, I really couldn't have got through it without his emotional and practical help. All the stuff with my ex shaped our year, it really took over for a while. His support was unfaltering. I want to do the same for him, last night I failed to do this. But I refuse to just agree with stuff just for the sake of it.

I do think you’re being a teeny bit dramatic

TBH I suspect I probably am. And now I don't know how to fix it. Right now I actually CBA, I'm too hungover and tired. BUt I will have to sort it out sooner or later. Any idea how?

...it's not that I CBA...I just don't want to face up to it. I'm not afraid of conflict, but I don't feel emotionally ready for an argument, and I feel that this isn't over, that he's still angry. And I can't handle it atm

He was very unreasonable to phone you at your Christmas party, and to carry on ranting when you had made it clear that you were upset.

However, it sounds like he was very wound up by his ex and acted irrationally and out of character. I don't think this is a LTB situation - it's a time for sitting down and calmly discussing the situation like adults.

I don't think you hiding at your mum's is helpful here. Unless you are worried that he might hurt you in anger?

Oh god no, he's in no way violent or aggressive, this is the most angry I've ever seen him. I just don't like the way he was shouting and then the texting afterwards, telling me he was burning with rage... With his ex, and with me for not supporting him and then reading his messages but ignoring them. He was sat at home winding himself up.

In his text today he said he wouldn't be staying at home tonight (fuck knows where he intended to stay), but I told him not to worry as I wouldn't be either. I need to be with my mum right now and not have this confrontation. We both need to cool down.

"Yes darling, you're right. She's a selfish hypocrite. Tell her you need to stick to the agreement. Can you manage all the arrangements to do it the court-ordered way?"

Are you my DH?