AIBU?

[prayingfortime]

Big argument with DH yesterday

He called me during my work Christmas party and basically ranted down the phone about his ex and the way she wants the holiday contact with his DC to go.

I left the party to read the email she sent, he got upset with me because I told him I couldn't listen to him ranting and read the message at the same time, and as such I said goodbye and told him I'd call him back. Please note that at this point I was shaking and panicky because of his irate tone...I know this seems irrational but raised voices are a trigger for me...even though he wasn't angry AT me, if that makes sense.

I read the email, and yes, the ex isn't sticking to the court order, however, her version of the holidays actually makes more sense.

I called him back and told him I thought her proposal seemed okay. But he just got hugely offended that I wasn't siding with him and didn't have his back about it. She has form for creating drama and dictating dates and time and locations etc. and this is just the latest example of this. She has breached the court order several times now and he is sick of it.

The argument escalated because of the way he was ranting at me, I told him how it made me feel, but he continued and I ended up hanging up and going back to the party. I largely ignored his texts during the evening and ended up staying at my mums.

This morning I have told him I don't want to hear from him. The way he spoke to me last night has really badly affected me and I don't want to see or hear from him.

AIBU and over the top about this? Not sure how to progress from here, any advice welcome. Please try to be kind as I am fragile atm (and hungover)

I told him that I didn't like being shouted at, and that if he didn't want to hear my opinion, why call me at all?

That's a fair point.

He is not unreasonable to be upset, but he is unreasonable to have ranted and shouted at you.

Also totally inappropriate to call you with this when he knew you were at the party.

But... I would imagine he felt unsupported. So maybe you need to apologise for that. He does need to really apologise for the shouting though.

Agree to just let each other cool down for a bit. Hopefully you can sort it out.

I can't believe he called you while you were out at your Christmas Party.
That is fucking selfish and he knows it.
That could have waiting until the morning when you were home.
He wanted to shout and he used you to do it.
Not OK!
None of this is your fault. You do not deserve to be shouted at while you are out trying to have a good time.
Stay where you are for now.
Chill out. Recover. Have a chat with your mum then decide on next steps.

Technically the party was only just about to start and I was the one setting it up, I was extremely busy and it was just me and my boss. He knew this.

Sorry if I was misleading in my posts, I didn't mean to be, and I'm not sure if it makes a difference??

Look. Ignore all the other bits, as yiou will be able to square them away with "He was so supportive to me and I failed him"

He rang about something that could have waited

He was immediately angry when you tried to defer the conversation

He ignored your feelings and your explanations, just pointed out what you had done 'wrong'

He got more and more angry as you ignored him, despite him knowing you were at a works do

He s now telling you he won't be at home

Can you recognise the escalation in all of that?

Tbh, I agree with CuriousaboutSamphire. And, he actually was angry with/at you - not just angry about his ex.

You are always anxious about a night out, because of him.
What would you say in your professional role with WA?

I think that’s just as important as the details of this specific incident.

Yes I can see the escalation. Do you think it's abusive behaviour? I don't think it is but am willing to discuss it.

Actually I do remember something similar happening a while ago in reverse. I called him at work, really upset at something ex was up to, I was ranting and raving. In my anger I said I was going to go round to my exs house to confront him. He told me that wasn't a good idea and I absolutely lost it with him. It was heightened emotion and I had tunnel vision and couldn't believe he wouldn't agree with me. After I had calmed down I knew what he had said was right.

So I can relate to him somewhat.

Yes I am anxious but I think it's more about my excessive drinking tbh. He gets worried about me because I experienced a rape years ago when I was drunk. I do drink too much, and when I'm out he (rightly so) gets worried. My mum is in Central London so it's better and safer for me to stay with her when I'm out. I don't think that's abusive behaviour on his part?

He sounds controlling. Im very surprised you can’t see it. He absolutely should not have rung you at a party and ranted. Totally selfish behaviour. I wouldn’t be happy at all OP.

Controlling... There's that word, that word that terrifies me. I honestly don't think he is, maybe I am blind in love, but I don't think he is. There are no other behaviours that would suggest he is. And I am always observing his behaviour, almost obsessively.

I don't think he liked you being at a party at all and exploded because you did not run home.

I know this is adding 2 + 2 to make 50000, but... is your boss - who you were setting up
the party alone with - male?

So I can relate to him somewhat. So there you go again, 'relating' to him, giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Only you can know but yes, without any of your personal knowledge he does sound controlling!

Maybe use this as an oportunity to test the reality of your rlationship. Tell him plainly how he made you feel and how his continued behaviour makes him seem to be! Ask him if he will join you in a quiet, contemplative chat about it!

And then:
a) Stop blaming yourself for being raped. Being pissed is not an open invitation.
b) Stop allowing him to blame your behaviour for your being raped. He has no right to police yuour behaviour dressed up as being worried for you
c) Talk to someone, a counsellor about how 'infantilised' you feel - not able to control yourself when out, drinking too much etc.

If they agree you drink too much seek help for that too!

External help! Unbiased, unemotional help.

Best of luck!

It’s common for people to use their partner as a punching bag to vent their anger and frustrations which are caused by others. It’s really horrible and abusive.

You feel you drink too much because he's told you you drink too much.
Being drunk is not an invitation for someone to force themselves on to you and not being drunk wouldn't stop a rapist.

He's using that as his excuse to control you and limit your drinking.

Do you drink excessively ? Not that this excuses him ranting and shouting at you in any way, shape or form but is he concerned about that ?

No that's not right at all. I think I drink too much. He doesn't think I do. He's not bothered when I'm out he just worries about me getting home safely.

Yes my boss is male, but he didn't know we were setting up together. I honestly believe he just needed to rant about the latest bullshit from his ex. He is very much a "now" person and he needed to talk about it the moment he got the email.

It was a daytime party which started at 1pm. I was planning to get home for 6ish and we were going to go out after that.

I don't blame myself (anymore) for the rape, and he never mentions it unless I want to talk about it.

Yes I probably should look at my drinking. I stopped for all of September and he supported me in that by not drinking too.

He really is a kind soul usually. This is an isolated incident and that's why my alarm bells started ringing. He doesn't ever step over my boundaries, he knows where they are and he is respectful of them. This is really out of character for him.

He knew you were at the Christmas party, he really shouldn’t have tried to spoil your evening and he definitely shouldn’t shout at you down the phone when you had done absolutely nothing wrong. He shouldn’t really shout at you at all, it’s disrespectful and unnecessary but this was a situation which really doesn’t have much to do with you. Only he can resolve the issues with his ex, it’s not your place to wade in.

You seem a lot calmer now OP and thinking rationally. I hope he's calmed down too and you can have a rational conversation and get back on track x

He's messaged saying he loves me and misses me

Just an update for anyone interested. We spoke, and he accepted and acknowledged that he shouldn't have called when he did and shouldn't have shouted at me. He apologised. He said he was just so angry with his ex he needed to just blow off some steam and that all he wanted from me was to listen. He felt I wasn't interested or listening to him to and rejected by my reaction.

I told him it was unacceptable and that it will never happen again, he agreed. We talked through it all at length and we are sort of past the worst of it. He made all the right sounds but also maintained that he just needed to be listened to. We agreed that if there is a next time, before he calls me, he will check I'm okay to talk and also let me know that it's just to let off steam and I don't need to try and find a solution with him.

I am still at mums and we have agreed I will go back home tomorrow. I have another party to go to tonight with my girl friends and its better if I stay here anyway. He's fine with this, let's see if he tries to jeopardise it later on!!

I have done the freedom programme a number of times over the past 8 years and I revisited it last night to refresh my memory. I read about the dominator and the decent human being. I can honestly hand on heart say that he ticks every single box in the decent human being model and absolutely none on the dominator one. The way he acted yesterday was totally out of character, that's why I was so panicked. He seems to be back to his calm self now.

This episode has left me reeling and now I have a wary eye on him for sure. Let's hope it was a one off incident and never happens again. I have no fear in leaving him and being alone with my dc, I've been through far far worse. If something like this happens again I will definitely be thinking about whether we would be better off without him.

Good outcome OP

Thank you, I am very relieved.

I love this man so much. Sometimes it worries me because I was also in love with my ex, and couldn't see he was abusing me for 12 years! I worry that it will happen again. I am hyper vigilant with observing his behaviour, probably too much really. I've never had cause for concern before yesterday. Some PP has said his behaviour was controlling, and I take that on board, and carry it with me. Thank you to everyone who posted and for your words and thoughts.

I am looking forward to going home tomorrow and getting back to out normal, lovely, happy life. I really hope this doesn't turn into something more sinister, I don't think it will, but I won't take anything for granted. That's just not me. My priority is to protect myself and my children at all cost and it would be ridiculous of me to divorce my gorgeous husband because of an isolated incident.