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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Demanding parents at this time of year! Can I rant please

50 replies

Needtochangemymindset · 20/12/2019 09:45

My parents live an hour drive away, I have a very good relationship with them BUT I'm finding my mum is increasingly becoming 'that parent' and I never thought she would.

They're retired, my mum fills her days pottering, knitting and has been out Christmas shopping virtually every day for the last month.

I have a baby, 3 year old and 4 year old, they are all at home with me all day, every day (3 year old not entitled to funding yet, 4 year old has some additional needs).

I am so far behind with Christmas it's ridiculous.

Just had my mum on the phone moaning that they haven't seen me for over a week, that I haven't been to them, they're always ringing me and I don't answer, I spoke to them on the phone for ages on Monday and again on Wednesday! But they ring me several times a day!!!

I have 3 small children at home! I don't have time to spend an hour on the phone twice a day discussing what was on tv last night which I wouldn't have seen anyway.

Aaaaargh!

I just needed to vent.

OP posts:

MrsBricks · 20/12/2019 09:50

Can't you invite your mum over to watch the children while you get on with Christmas stuff?

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2019 09:51

I never have my ringer on the phone, can’t have it at work and always forget to turn it back on. I just phone my mum once a week, she knows she can get me if she’s desperate, but I don’t want an hour about how she’s got a load of prawns and sprouts in for my coeliac nephew, again!!

You can be brave and tell them you don’t have time or just ignore their calls/screen.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 09:54

Did she ever work? My DM worked full time but retired early.
She has all but forgotten how busy life is with young DC and a demanding job.

I remind her how little free time she had when we were young and how seldom she saw her own parents/friends.

If your DM never worked you have a tougher problem. If she's been a lady of leisure all her life she might not begin to understand how things are fir you.

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2019 09:55

Get your mum over twice a week to help. Whether that's to hold the baby while you do stuff with the older two (swimming, play group, craft stuff) or she can take the older ones out while you do house work and baby sleeps. Let her share the load. Or give her a shopping list and cash and ask her to buy and wrap gifts for you. Just let her help.

billy1966 · 20/12/2019 09:56

Vent away. I remember when mine were small and I found being on the phone stressful during the day.
I just didn't have time to chat.

Try and explain to your mother once just how busy and under pressure you are.

If she chooses not to hear you or offer a bit of help.
Ignore her.

Mind yourself OP, Christmas is very challenging shopping wise for women with small children. I did the entire Santa run one year at 11pm. It actually worked quite well.
💐

Strugglingtodomybest · 20/12/2019 10:07

Sounds like my mum, except I never had a good relationship with her.

I agree with the pp. Explain to her how busy you are, and if she doesn't listen, just ignore her and don't feel guilty about it.

scaryteacher · 20/12/2019 11:12

My DM now lives about 15 minutes away, as opposed to the 12 hours when we were abroad. Even when we lived abroad, I was expected to drive back and collect her for Christmas, and drive her home in January.

Since being back, we have had to change lightbulbs, change her sheets, take her to hospital, and sort various other things out. I knew I was heading for being the sandwich generation (adult child and elderly parent), I just didn't expect it quite as soon as we were back!!

Lonesome54321 · 20/12/2019 11:17

Ask your parents over a couple of times per week to help with the kids! Win-win

Lonesome54321 · 20/12/2019 11:18

Or even for a full day if they have to travel far?

HavelockVetinari · 20/12/2019 11:21

How come they don't come to you?

PepsiLola · 20/12/2019 11:24

You need to be frank "mum I'm actually struggling right now, it would mean a lot to me if you could come to my house and help me"

nowaypose · 20/12/2019 11:24

My Grandma is like this. She was a teacher for over 40 years before retiring so her mind used to be constantly kept active. Since retirement I think she just has far too much time on her hands so sits fretting about things then will call you three times a day to rant about whatever it is. She forgets everyone else still goes to work I think, I’m not sure but I understand your frustration.

nowaypose · 20/12/2019 11:25

I should add I’m a teacher so you’d think she understood how busy the career is especially with young children at home too but I think she has forgotten. She calls me at work sometimes and gets offended when I can’t answer .

Winterdaysarehere · 20/12/2019 11:26

Remind her the journey runs both ways...

VeThings · 20/12/2019 11:30

I echo PepsiLola. Tell your mum you’re feeling frazzled and could do with a hand. Stop answering the phone so often - you have to wean her off.

BarbaraFromOopNorth · 20/12/2019 11:31

This is my Mum.

She wails that she hasn't seen me but rarely bothers to ring me these days and never suggests doing anything. She just expects everything to come from me.

I don't have children but work full time hours (and more) doing two part-time jobs.

I used to feel guilty but just ignore her now. I realise now that I never really had a brilliant relationship with her as she has never ever made that much of an effort for me. We are very different personalities and she's never really got over the fact that I'm not her.

sarahjconnor · 20/12/2019 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 11:46

They sound lonely.
I know it’s frustrating but try and appreciate where they’re coming from.

One day they won’t be there anymore and you’ll be heavily wishing to speak to them just once more.

(I know that’s really morbid but I’ve recently lost my second parent and I’m only 28!).

TabbyMumz · 20/12/2019 11:57

Honestly with a bang, 3 yd old and 4 year old, you need to get them and yourself out a bit. Go for a walk, or to the local park or something. Join some groups. Not healthy for you to be in all day, every day.

MsPavlichenko · 20/12/2019 12:04

I lost my Dad when I was eighteen and my Mum when I was forty one. Still I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 12:19

They sound lonely.
I know it’s frustrating but try and appreciate where they’re coming from.

Not necessarily. Many of my older relatives (60s/70s) have a very busy social life. They travel often and are always having lunch out or afternoon tea or tea & cake ... Lots of friends. A range of interests and a leisurely, indulgent lifestyle.
They are used to their way of life & have healthy incomes (pensions/rentals).
They have forgotten anything else and I get confused looks when I say I haven't had time to cook/clean/go shopping/wrap presents bake and 'feed' a Christmas pudding or cake. order a turkey...

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 12:24

And before anyone says anything... yes, I am envious. I'd love the slow leisurely life. I'd love to spend hours planning what we're having for tea or what holiday to go on next, I'd love to spend days crafting and baking or chatting for hours on the phone.about the above.
Our life's are sadly out of sync.

BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 20/12/2019 12:33

I agree with pps about asking your mum to come and help out. It sounds as if she’s bored and lonely.

goldfinchfan · 20/12/2019 12:39

Why haven't you told your mum how you feel?

and why don't you ask her for some help?

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 14:09

Have you not read the op? @Christmasgravy ?

‘ They're retired, my mum fills her days pottering, knitting and has been out Christmas shopping virtually every day for the last month.’

Good for your relatives for getting out there, but ops mum sounds lonely, echoed by the fact she is constantly wanting a natter.

Goodness me.

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