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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Demanding parents at this time of year! Can I rant please

50 replies

Needtochangemymindset · 20/12/2019 09:45

My parents live an hour drive away, I have a very good relationship with them BUT I'm finding my mum is increasingly becoming 'that parent' and I never thought she would.

They're retired, my mum fills her days pottering, knitting and has been out Christmas shopping virtually every day for the last month.

I have a baby, 3 year old and 4 year old, they are all at home with me all day, every day (3 year old not entitled to funding yet, 4 year old has some additional needs).

I am so far behind with Christmas it's ridiculous.

Just had my mum on the phone moaning that they haven't seen me for over a week, that I haven't been to them, they're always ringing me and I don't answer, I spoke to them on the phone for ages on Monday and again on Wednesday! But they ring me several times a day!!!

I have 3 small children at home! I don't have time to spend an hour on the phone twice a day discussing what was on tv last night which I wouldn't have seen anyway.

Aaaaargh!

I just needed to vent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needtochangemymindset · 20/12/2019 15:00

I have told my mum how I feel, I really don't think she gets it.

And I wish it was as simple as saying 'Come to me and help, have the children for a few hours/the day so I can get stuff done'.

By the time my mum has sat and stroked the cat for at least an hour in the morning, then had a bath and washed her hair, she eventually will get to me for about 1,30pm. My dad will park his bum on the sofa, he has to come too because she doesn't like driving the car they now have), my dad doesn't like me leaving the children with them and will spend the next few hours telling the children to stop doing this and that and stressing until he starts nagging my mum about when are they going home? My mum wants to talk constantly about everything and anything which is really hard with the children here too.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 20/12/2019 15:57

That sounds rotten. My late DM and DMIL were great. Happy to help if they could, but with busy lives themselves. They also remembered/understood what life with DC was like!

Would your DM be any better if she visited alone? Could your DF drive her and the n go back home for a few days? It sounds like he is part of the problem.

billy1966 · 20/12/2019 18:28

OP, it doesn't sound as if your parents are willing or able to help.
Not a lot you can do about that.

However, I certainly wouldn't be allowing myself to be stressed about being able to give your mother the attention she requires!

You are very busy. That is it.
You have enough going on without allowing yourself to be guilted that you have little children.

Ignore your mother.

"Mum, I've told you I am very busy with our 3 small children". And repeat.

💐💐

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 18:31

Jelly “ One day they won’t be there anymore and you’ll be heavily wishing to speak to them just once more.“

There’s always one. le sigh.

OP, be blunt, tell them you don’t have time for their constant need to chat.

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:00

Yeah sorry @AutumnRose1 for losing my parents recently which has changed my perspective.
As long as you feel good after your sigh though.

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 22:11

Jelly it’s one thing to have your perspective altered and another to try and guilt trip OP.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 22:22

Have you not read the op? @Christmasgravy ?
They're retired, my mum fills her days pottering, knitting and has been out Christmas shopping virtually every day for the last month.’

I have indeed read the OP Jelly.
I don't hink that the OP's Mum sounds lonely. Bored maybe but not lonely.
But don't let a different interpretation of the OPost stop you writing grumpy replies to everyone's comments.
Goodness me,...what a bad mood you must be in.

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:24

What delightful people you both are.

I’ve made it very clear I’m grieving. Thank goodness I’m in a good enough head space to deal with the delights of you both.
Not everyone is so lucky.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 22:28

I agree Autumn.

It's obviously a shit time for you Jelly, Really shit. But people have different lives. The OP feels guilty enough.

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:33

Yes they do, but even so. We often take people for granted and get annoyed at things we often regret.
Our behaviour towards the now can be changed but our behaviour in the past can never be taken back.

I offered a different perspective, it is raw for me but I stand by it.

It might be annoying, but if you take a moment to think that yes, it’s annoying but not something they’re doing to be malicious.

I may be ‘that one’ right now but we are all in this situation at some time or another.

I dont think the way I’ve been spoken to here is necessary- it’s actually quite nasty tbh.

Trying to pick at me even though I’ve made it clear I am grieving.

I don’t get it?

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:34

‘the op feels guilty enough’

My point exactly?

Imagine how she’ll feel when they’re gone.

Op I’m sorry to talk like this but you can change it all, so you’re all happy I’m sure.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 22:34

Jelly I honestly not know what you want.
I have also lost too many people this year. 2 to cancer, 1 heart attack and 1 suicide. I lost my Dad at 23.
It is still possible to feel annoyed when people behave selfishly. Even when you love the person.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 22:36

I dont think the way I’ve been spoken to here is necessary- it’s actually quite nasty tbh.

Please read back your responses to my posts.

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 22:36

Jelly I apologise.

I’m probably in an odd head space too. There is always one, at least, on these threads, and staring down the barrel of elder care has terrified me to the extent that I’m making very odd choices.

I think it’s strange to frame any relationship with “how will you feel when they are dead”. I think certain subjects are taboo, and I’d like to break that taboo. So I’ll say here, I don’t regret anything that happened between me and dad before he died. But I do regret not moving further away because now I feel I could be stuck with an elderly parent for years.

And I’m feeling super thick because everyone on the Elderly Parent board told me to set boundaries etc and I didn’t listen.

To me, OP mum sounds like she’s having a nice time, doesn’t want to help with the kids but wants a lot of chat. She should not be stressing her daughter out with that. Plenty of places she can try for chat.

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:40

What do I want? I dunno.
You chose to reply to me in an unkind manner. There wasn’t a need.
It makes it even worse that you’ve been in a similar situation.

Empathy,
Compassion... I don’t know

Of course death shouldn’t shape the relationship with the living, but we’re talking about ops mum being overbearing.
It’s understandable, it’s not like she’s being malicious. It’s just one of those things in life you just have to put up wirh, some way or another. Isn’t it?

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 22:41

Jelly “ It’s just one of those things in life you just have to put up wirh, some way or another. Isn’t it?”

I’d say, you don’t have to put up with someone being disrespectful of your time and stress level.

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:42

Thank you @AutumnRose1

Jellybeansincognito · 20/12/2019 22:43

I appreciate that, however I do think it’s different if someone isn’t intentionally trying to be disrespectful.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 22:49

Your comments reminded me of one of the last times I saw/spoke to my Dad Jelly.
He'd been teaching me to drive and we argued and shouted at each other. I went back to Uni and he died the following week. He died very suddenly and unexpectedly.

We come at things from different perspectives. I haven't carried guilt around with me for 25 years and neither should I have.

Yes, we left each other on bad terms but disagreements are part of life and there was way more to our relationship than that.

I also haven't tiptoed around selfish people in my life keeping the peace because one day I'll lose them. Live for the moment, don't fear the future or regret the past.

Mishappening · 20/12/2019 22:55

Sometimes it is hard for retired parents to get things right. That does not mean that I cannot see how difficult this is for you.

I remember when my grandma used to complain about the winter with the long dark evenings and I did not feel wholly sympathetic - but now that I have reached grandma age I feel exactly the same way. I suppose it is a bit like when you have your own children - you suddenly realise what your parents did and why they behaved/thought as they did.

I am on my own now as my OH has had to go into a nursing home - he is very young to have done this, so it is doubly hard.

I have a very full life, but sometimes I have the urge to phone one of the DDs to talk, then I remember how busy they all are and do not pick up the phone. It requires will power!! But I have a good relationship with them all and do not want to become burdensome or demanding.

One thing that is particularly hard is the loss of role, having been the hub of a large family (just as you are now) - it is seriously weird when that goes!!

I hope that you can find a happy balance in your relationship with your parents - it is a time of adjustment on all sides.

Christmasgravy · 20/12/2019 23:05

mishappening
My Mum is 70+ and she could have written your post.
Our relationship has changed with age and despite all good intentions and efforts on both sides we are out of sync.
I wish it were different. It takes a lot of effort on both sides to understand each other's lives!

You sound lovely and insightful btw.

billy1966 · 21/12/2019 09:12

@Mishappening

Lovely, thoughtful post, and wise.
Wishing you well.

Mishappening · 22/12/2019 09:41

Thank you.

Nodancingshoes · 22/12/2019 09:54

My mum dies when I was a teenager but my nan is like this. She is in her 90's and I see her a couple of times a week and usually have her over for tea on Sundays. She rings constantly - sometimes whilst I'm at work and gets very moody when I can't talk for long... It's usually to moan about the doctors surgery or her repeat prescriptions so I have to cut her short mostly as I have a job, husband and 2 children at my end. I suppose if my mum were alive, it would be her getting all this . I know she is lonely though so I will always put aside one phone call a week where she can talk at me for as long as she likes 😂 feeling your pain op

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 22/12/2019 10:01

OP, if you are still reading this, if they are an hour away, can you call your mum now and say you are struggling to get everything done for christmas, could you ask her to look after the older 2 tomorrow for the morning so you can get on with some jobs? You can take the dcs to her for 9am, will pick them up at 1ish, unless she wants them a little longer to do lunch with them. (Youd be home for 10am, need to leave again at 12, but would get 2 clear hours with just the baby.)

It might just take the pressure off.

Not everyone can help the way we want them to, this doesn't mean they cant help at all.

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