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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a family member always sends gifts for your child...

26 replies

SinkGirl · 20/12/2019 09:37

Is it not completely unreasonable to never reciprocate? It’s getting to the point I find it quite hurtful.

SIL has a DD who’s about three years older than our twins. When her DD was born we took gifts and have sent something for every Christmas and birthday. A few times I’ve made things for her (good quality, expensive things - I used to make these things and sell a lot of them so they’re not crappy).

When the twins were born I think she sent a gift but there’s been literally no acknowledgement of their birthday or Christmas ever since (they’re now 3) - on occasion they have sent a Christmas card.

DH decided not to send a gift for her birthday this year as he was fed up with it but I told him that’s out of order since it’s not DN’s fault and I don’t want her to think we don’t care. We’ve sent her something for Christmas.

I just don’t understand the mentality of it - I would feel awful if a relative always sent something for my kids and I never reciprocated.

We’ve had a really tough 18 months with both twins being diagnosed with ASD and one with multiple other disabilities - SIL hasn’t acknowledged it at all, no support or asking how we are doing. We do live several hours apart so don’t see each other often, but still.

AIBU to think this is just really rude and you don’t just ignore your nephews at Christmas and birthdays, especially when your own child always gets something from their aunt and uncle? I appreciate that they don’t understand what birthdays and Christmas are, but it still feels really unpleasant.

It’s not about money - they have plenty of it. Even a card would be something. I just don’t understand it, I couldn’t be like this.

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 20/12/2019 09:47

You sound lovely op. I think you need to stop the gifts to your DN. Maybe your sil just doesn't want to do gifts and is hoping you'll get the hint. I would just send DN a lovely card for Christmas and Birthdays from now on. I'm sure at age 6 she is getting a lot of presents and won't connect not getting any from you to you not caring.

juicylemon · 20/12/2019 09:48

I'd find this hurtful too. Maybe just send a card in future - by the sounds of it your niece isn't going to go without.

Sirzy · 20/12/2019 09:49

I would just stop the gifts. Don’t let yourself get wound up as annoying as it is

TulipsTwoLips · 20/12/2019 09:49

I agree, cards from here onwards.

Lllot5 · 20/12/2019 09:50

If this is DH’s sister I’d let him worry about it tbh. Not your problem if he doesn’t want to then don’t.

TheTrollFairy · 20/12/2019 09:51

I would be annoyed by the lack of thoughtfulness but not by the fact of not receiving a gift.

You are right though, it’s your niece who would lose out. Maybe just send a birthday gift and don’t do Christmas? I always think birthdays are the ‘more special occasion’

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 20/12/2019 09:51

Can you not just have a conversation about it? Eg would you rather we didn't do presents? I had a similar conversation with SIL at the point we all had children, I said to her do you and DB still want to buy for all, like we've been doing or shall we just do presents for the children? It's pretty simple

twinkledag · 20/12/2019 09:53

Really rude and upsetting ☹️

Mrsjayy · 20/12/2019 09:53

Please stop sending her gifts they are never going join in with Christmas presents.

MrsBricks · 20/12/2019 09:55

She's not interested in a close relationship for whatever reason and doesn't want to do presents. I think you just have to accept that.

Only send presents if it makes you happy, not in the expectation that you will create a reciprocal relationship.

Strangerthingshere · 20/12/2019 09:55

You value them more than they value you. Stop.sending the gifts.

doritosdip · 20/12/2019 10:02

There's been lots of threads where people resent having to buy gifts for family that they barely see.
Could it be the environmental impact of the gift? They might prefer a simpler Xmas with fewer gifts but struggle to deal with the amount from friends and family?
I would send just a card in future. It sounds like your gifts aren't wanted or needed.

justilou1 · 20/12/2019 10:04

Fuck her.... she is not a nice person. Your hands and your heart are full enough.

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2019 10:06

Do you see them regularly? Do you see them at all? I've stopped buying gifts for people who can't spare a couple of days in the year to see us (either us go to them or they come here or meet somewhere). I am hurt by the fact some people have better things to do with their time and we are not a priority. So why would I buy gifts. Is there any of that going on in this scenario?

Kanga83 · 20/12/2019 10:07

How often do you see them? What's your relationship like? I have a niece and nephew younger than my eldest- I will send a card but I refuse to buy a gift for kids I have not met. They send gifts for ours despite me asking them to stop. Doesn't make me evil or a bad person ,the dynamics are too awkward with the in laws, but I think there's nothing wrong with you sending a card to them and no gift. I send to one set of niece and nephew as we speak with BIL but not the other.

Summercamping · 20/12/2019 10:11

My husband sends gifts to his niece and nephew who live overseas for birthdays and Christmas. Our kids never get anything from his brother but he continues to do it because he wants the niece and nephew to know he remembers them

When the family come over to visit they are perfectly nice and give our kids things then, but once they leave, nothing until the next visit, which could be years. It baffles me.

snowball28 · 20/12/2019 10:11

My IL do this, we send a Christmas and birthday gift and card down for DP sisters son who is 2. Never once received even a poxy text or anything, not even when they were born or on their first birthdays. I’d like to stop but DP says it will just give her another reason to be horrid to us and ultimately only his nephew misses out.

AlrightyyThen · 20/12/2019 10:15

I wish my Dsis would do this so i didn't feel obliged to send presents/cards, if she turned around to me and say "lets not do presents anymore". We speak occasionally and i love my DN's but there's 4 of them and xmas especially is so hard, I have 2 DC and would be happy for them not to receive anything.

Honestly kids get that much they have no idea what comes from who so they wouldn't know. I wouldn't even mind bunging Dsis' name on one of my DC's presents each every xmas/birthday just to save the fight stressing for months on end about what to buy kids i don't spend any time with Confused

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 20/12/2019 10:15

I've literally just posted this same advice on another similar thread. Either stop being the martyr about it and give the gifts gladly, or stop the charade altogether. Quite simple, drop the angst.

WhereverIMayRoam · 20/12/2019 10:19

Well, I don’t think you’re totally BU but actually I don’t agree with you. I can understand that you’d like the relationship to be a certain way and that involves acknowledging birthdays and Christmas but I think it’s pretty clear she doesn’t want to and she’s not actually obliged to.

Obviously it would be much better if she actually said let’s not and I think she really should say something rather than just accept the gifts but judging by MN a lot of people struggle to have even mildly uncomfortable conversations and prefer to squirm while hoping the other person takes the hint Hmm. I think you should take the hint and stop now tbh.

PersephoneandHades · 20/12/2019 10:20

Send a card for DN so that she knows you are thinking of her, she will be getting plenty of presents from your SIL and family, she won't miss out :)

Your SIL is being rude and you shouldn't pander to it, you sound very thoughtful

selmabear · 20/12/2019 10:22

Just stop sending gifts OP.

Thestrangestthing · 20/12/2019 10:31

My dp always tells me you don't give to receive, but I definitely do.

Butterfly02 · 20/12/2019 10:54

I have a sibling the same - I have stopped sending the parents presents and cards as they didn't have manners and say thank you. However I can't bring myself to stop sending dn gifts as it's not their fault. One of my dn loves a specific type of book and so I often will send one however dB sent a message back saying can you stop with the books as dB has to read them to him (I know dn loves and uses them as he tells relatives about them) so for Christmas he's got double books!

richteasandcheese · 20/12/2019 12:55

@Butterfly02 that is SO sad for your dn that your brother resents reading him a book

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