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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mean approach to gift giving?

30 replies

CadburyFestiveFriends · 20/12/2019 07:57

This year has been unusually busy.
Several big life events have happened.
We now have a baby due and are moving house in the new year. I made an effort, despite being quite unwell and on a budget, to get nice family gifts.

My grandparent has decided since there’s ‘so much going on’ they’ll ignore my graduation, mine and DH’s birthdays (both next month), Christmas and the birth of baby in favour of ‘getting us something nice’ for the new house at Easter.

I feel really put out and a bit hurt. I’m the youngest of 4 GC and all had their life milestones celebrated by GP. I’m substantially younger so by the time I get there it’s like they CBA!

Grandparent always seems to over complicate gifts for me, never forthcoming or easy (same thing happened for my wedding). They’re now making the usual effort for other grandkids/ great grandkids and just ignoring DH and I until Easter, months after the events! I’ll also be expected to ‘remind’ them. Which I won’t because it feels like asking for money and I hate that! (They are very well off).

My parents have a strained relationship as feel they’ve been emotionally manipulative in the past but this has never extended to me. This year has just felt odd and a bit mean.

AIBU to think DH and I shouldn’t have so much ignored and that gift giving should be done easily and at least around the correct times?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/12/2019 08:01

Don't get them anything or remind them at Easter
They're not nice people

Original poster
CadburyFestiveFriends · 20/12/2019 08:04

I said to my DM yesterday I’d be happy with a box of bloody chocolates - it’s the thought and effort that matter but it’s just so obvious I’m being treated different to the other GC’s it sucks.

Makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong.

OP posts:
Garlicinyoursoul · 20/12/2019 08:06

They seem like arses, I hope you kept the receipt for their gifts, as I’d be giving them diddly squat.

If they ask why just go doe eyed, and say you didn’t think you were doing gifts anymore, as you’ve been left out.

youcancallmequeenE · 20/12/2019 08:06

I think it's sad but it sounds like they're going for a purely pragmatic approach of maybe spending the money when more is available rather than all at once if that makes sense?

Yes, it doesn't take into account any feelings of the person who's birthday it is and that's rubbish. I have a December birthday too as does one of my children and you just have to accept that people have less money/other priorities at that time of year. If you don't you'll forever be bitter.

Speak to your grandparents and say something like "good idea. we will move our birthdays to 20th March or whatever and so we will look forward to celebrating with you then". That way, they will have their date and won't need to be reminded and you will have the benefit of another birthday cake and a second birthday. Just like the queen. Winner all round!

GertrudeCB · 20/12/2019 08:07

I had a great Aunt and Uncle like this. In their case it was all about control and manipulation. Congratulations on your graduation and your baby Flowers

Thestrangestthing · 20/12/2019 08:11

Let's be honest, there is no thought or effort in a box of chocolates. You don't know what they will buy you next year for your new house. What if they buy you something that costs quite a bit?
Sorry but I think you sound a bit spoiled. The only one I would be annoyed about them ignoring would be the birth of your child

Beautiful3 · 20/12/2019 08:16

Maybe they mean they want to pool all of the money together to give you a lump sum for your new home? Might be better off for you?

flouncyfanny · 20/12/2019 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/12/2019 08:23

That's really mean of them. It's not the gifts or money it's the excitement and interest they took in the others that they should have for your big milestones too.

PersephoneandHades · 20/12/2019 08:30

Don't give them anything and don't ask for anything either. Seriously, they sound rude and I wouldn't waste my time on them, just enjoy your new house and baby!

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2019 08:33

Return their gifts and withdraw a bit. You don’t need to cut them out or anything dramatic, just start treating them exactly how they treat you.

Don’t say anything, just feign surprise if they bring it up:

‘Oh, I though we were leaving presents this year? You said you weren’t getting them for us... surely you wouldn’t expect gifts if you aren’t giving them?’

Frenchw1fe · 20/12/2019 08:33

There's not a lot you can do unfortunately, I've had this all my life.
My mum generally buys my 5 siblings something really thoughtful and shoves a £20 In a card for me. I'd sooner she spent less but put some thought in.
It's worse now because I have her gmail account synced to my phone( at her request when she needed help). This morning John Lewis informed her that an expensive cashmere sweater had been sent to my db.

Winterdaysarehere · 20/12/2019 08:35

Please donate your gift to them to the food bank /charity.
Would make me feel better.

bananacakerox · 20/12/2019 08:37

I'ld leave them to what they "plan" to give you later on in the year - it's their decision and saying anything alternative might not come across so well.

Are you close to your siblings? Would they be surprised at the GPs intentions?

Just be cool with it all. Will you see them on Christmas Day?

Good luck with all your 2020 happenings, it all sounds v exciting and congratulations on your graduation. Focus on marking these milestones with your DH, and put GPs present to the back of your mind.

RandomMess · 20/12/2019 08:39

I suspect it's about favouring the children of your aunt/uncle because of the strained relationship with your parents. Presumably your parents have stood up to their bullshit in the past?

Heihei · 20/12/2019 08:40

My mum doesn’t buy me much for birthdays or Christmas but she is very generous with practical gifts such as helping me furnish my new home, paying for my car to be MOT’d and serviced etc. These things have really helped me. Maybe your grandparents are planning to give you something big towards the house at Easter?

speakball · 20/12/2019 08:41

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/12/2019 08:43

It sounded reasonable until you said they were getting stuff for their other grandchildren. If they can be bothered to get the others something, then leaving one person out is nasty

Original poster
CadburyFestiveFriends · 20/12/2019 08:47

@Thestrangestthing
I love receiving chocolate/sweets. Grew up pretty poor so looker forward to birthdays/Christmas for sweets! Despite both having good jobs obviously baby/new house is a financially tight time so a little treat like a box of choc would go down very well👍🏻👍🏻

@Beautiful3
I’m sure that’s what they mean and yes we probably will do financially better out of it but I mean it when I say it’s not about the money. It’s about the occasion being celebrated. I’d much rather have less on the day and it be easy/forthcoming than have more months afterwards and have to remind them about it.

Doesn’t feel festive

OP posts:
Singsongbird · 20/12/2019 08:54

I think you have to just accept that this is the way it is. If they don't want to give any gifts thats their choice. I think its unfortunate that you are the youngest and they've probably given more to the older GC over the years but thats just tough luck.
Similar has happened in our family but i wouldn't be so cheeky as to raise it as it sounds very entitled.

Supersimkin2 · 20/12/2019 08:55

Hand GP Poundland After Eights and forget about it. At least you never have to buy them a present again.

If any explanation is required to others, 'They made a point of not giving us a present AGAIN' should do it.

GP are trying to manipulate you - don't let yourself be hurt (impossible) but see next year as a time to detach (doable. Very doable given they're unfair and tight).

Grieve for the decent GP you deserve and do not have.

onanothertrain · 20/12/2019 09:04

If they are planning on getting you something expensive for your new house all these PA responses being suggested are petty as fuck.

Original poster
CadburyFestiveFriends · 20/12/2019 09:07

@Winterdaysarehere

Already gave theirs and made an effort with it too!

@RandomMess

Yes, they essentially cut my parents off and shunned us because my other parent was from a poor family and they felt they were ‘beneath’ them 🙄🤔 it’s ok now and they all ‘get on’ but there’s a little animosity - understandably.

FWIW two of my cousins have not done well in life either (they’re not nice people) and I know this irritates my aunt/uncle! Feels like everything is a ‘one upping’ on that side of the family.

OP posts:
kemosabeimalive · 20/12/2019 09:15

Is there any way that they are planning something really big for Easter? With the timing it makes me wonder if it could be an ISA investment they have made for you that will come to fruition in April? I might be completely off the mark but could they be planning to help you with a nice payment towards the mortgage?

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 20/12/2019 09:25

Are they treating you as an extension of your parents if they don't get along? Is it another way for them to get one up on them, through you? Are the other grandchildren your siblings or cousins?

Either way, that's really unfair on you. Don't make an effort for them in future!