To think he was being a knob?

[TotallyDoneWithThis]

My bf of a year and I recently went on a break due to problems with boundaries with his ex and him not putting my needs and feelings first.

Still on a break, we went out together last night. Had a brilliant night. He had loads to drink and got pissed out of his head. I remained sober. When I got home, he and I were texting and earlier in the night he had got upset (about his dd and Christmas arrangements) and later when we were texting he apologised. I told him not to be daft and that he’s a great person who is so caring and lovely. He later text back saying he was none of those things.

Later on he also text that his ex (who we have had loads of problems with, got another thread on it, and that’s the reason for our break) was a shit. I replied asking what she had been up to now. Now questions that he doesn’t like he doesn’t answer which is quite infuriating. I was thinking it had all been wonderfully quiet on the ex-front and there was a strong chance we were getting back together. As he didn’t answer but changed the subject several times I continued to probe but he still wouldn’t answer. Combined with that, me being very tired and him saying earlier that he wasn’t kind or caring was just making me over analyse everything. Still, he refused to answer and I ended up in a strop. All really silly but why mention his ex was a shit and not elaborate? After a really lovely evening, my night went sour.

When you say putting your needs and feelings first, do you mean before his dds? Are the issues with his ex in relation to his child or solely about the ex? There’s a big difference between the two.

Maybe as he was drunk he didn’t want to answer thinking it would cause an argument.

Are you hoping he had had some epiphany with his ex and are cross because your angry feelings have cropped up again?

What’s that phrase about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Maybe try picking up the conversation again when hes not drunk and you arent tired. If you are both treading on eggshells over ex because she was the cause of the breakup then drunk and tired maybe isnt the best combo to mix in with that conversation.

Brilliant night where he gets really pissed and you stay sober? And yes he is being a knob.

Perhaps he was testing you to see your reaction when he mentioned his ex. Having done so, he didn't feel up to dealing with the response (alcohol, feeling sleepy, want to mull it over, changed his mind).

Thank you for your replies. @jb1305uk, his dd absolutely comes first. The issues are in regards to the ex. She constantly oversteps boundaries, texting bf about her relationship issues when she left him for the one she’s living with now. Also if she knows that he is out with me (sees us out and about in town) then she starts texting him throwing a massive strop. If she knows we are on a weekend away she will phone him about any tiny thing just to get his attention. Last time it was about what time he was collecting the dd the following day when it’s always the same time and she was desperately trying to get in touch phoning him in the evening for that. He didn’t used to deal with her effectively which led to pretty much nine months of hell and me saying I’ve had enough and so we went on a break. When she found out about me, a few hours later in fact that my bf had put our first pic on Facebook, she text him saying she had made a mistake cheating on him and leaving him for the current man. It’s all a nightmare. He knows I’m very fraught about the ex now so we decided the less said about her the better (obviously I don’t mind the little dd talking about her mum) and still he decided last night to tell me she was a shit and then closed the conversation down completely. Doesn’t seem fair because then I’m wondering wtf she has done or said now and obviously I want to be there for him when she’s being a dick.

@NearlyOutedMyself it would be really insensitive if he did that due to all the shit the ex had caused. Things were going so well too.

It sounds like he wanted you to feel sorry for him (maybe lead to sex?) but didn't actually want your input with his ex.

From what you've said, he sounds like an immature person who is a bit weak and a lot of hard work. I'd be wondering what the redeeming features are rather than expecting him to change drastically any time soon.

@TotallyDoneWithThis

Yes I agree. It's irritating as when he wakes up, he probably won't remember the conversation or wish to revisit it.

@villamariavintrapp I do feel sorry for him with the ex, she’s a nightmare but because of the past I do get really pissed off when she’s up to tricks. Just really wonder why he wouldn’t tell em why she was a shit. It was all going so well too.

When people tell you who they are, listen. Common place for nasty shits to say 'I'm a bad person' ect...so that when they do something hurtful they can turn round and say 'well I told you so! So it is your own fault for hanging around'.

Having been in the opposite situation so to speak, I wonder what he tells his ex about you?

This sounds like too much drama. His ex is never going to go away if they have a kid together. Drunkenly telling you what a bad person he is is worrying. What do you get out of the relationship except a load of stress?

Stop wasting your time with him, he's an idiot
New year, new boyfriend op

I think I've read your other thread. The advice then and now was to end it.

This is going to be your life with him. Ongoing drama and a lack of proper communication. You will be constantly frustrated and resentful.

"it was all going so well too."

All you did was meet up for a few hours. That bit went well, but having a relationship with him is a no-no.

If it's a relationship that you want, why are you setting the bar so low?

@ponoko I met up with him throughout the week too which has been lovely and then this. It’s such shitty behaviour from him. When we said goodbye last night too he held my hands and really made me feel so special. Really thought things were changing.

You need to start wising up to a con when you see one.

Your problem is not that he doesn't respect your feelings, it is that you LET him continue to disrespect your feelings. Work on your own boundaries. If someone keeps hurting you it is not because they don't understand what they are doing, it is because they don't care. And why the fk would you want someone who doesn't care about hurting you in your life?

Time to take responsibility for what you allow.

@pinkbonbon I know. I just love him and I suppose I’m afraid of being single too.

Sorry OP but you seem like hard work.

At what point of constantly probing him did you think he would turn around and say "you know what OP, you are the love of my life, I wasn't sure before but you constantly nagging me like this has changed my mind".

Leave him alone. What is meant for you won't pass you.

He is a father, you will never come first.
If things with his ex are still shaky he isn't in the right place for a new relationship.
His priority should be coming to a mutual standing with his ex for the sake of his child before he is ready for a relationship.

As I said on the other thread, he chooses to answer his phone while he's with you (if the DC is with his/her DM, they don't REALLY need to communicate at all, do they, except under certain, very emergency, circumstances?).

He's not the one for you. He's high drama and high needs and I think you need to learn to depend on yourself for a while.

Not sure why you'd love someone who puts your needs and wants behind those of an ex.

Thank you for all your replies.

At some point I think you’re going to decide this is all much more trouble than it’s worth.

@recrudescence I really hope so. Can’t do this much longer :( it’s his refusal to talk about anything serious too, but the fact he actually brought it up last night then wouldn’t go into it just totally ignored me really got to me.