AIBU to find the school gates intimidating?

[Oasis22]

My son started reception in September and I guess I had a rose-tinted idea that I'd get to know the parents in his year and it would be a friendly 'in it together' attitude at the school gates, where everyone would mingle and make new friends, but I was obviously a bit naiive. For starters, they all seem to know each other already. We don't live in a small village where there's only one school or anything, so I found this a bit surprising. And much as I try and make small talk to be friendly etc and get a conversation going, people are happy to exchange pleasantries, but don't seem particularly interested in chatting, and just go to the person they're already good friends with. I only moved to this town two years ago, and whilst I've made friends through work, I was hoping the school gates might be a chance to get to know people, but it's not what I expected. Admittedly, I don't drop off and collect every single day like some mums do as my partner and I share it.

I was also slightly annoyed today as a parent-organised event the whole class had been invited to was cancelled, and the only reason I found out was I overheard a mum telling someone, and that the cancellation had been announced on 'the Facebook group'. What FB group?! Certainly not one I or this other parent were a part of.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? I know I shouldn't care but it's a bit crap.

[MerchantOfVenom]

I have made good friends from all stages of my life, from school to college to work to school gates. I think its all part of life's rich tapestry, not really sure why school gates are any different. They're just people.

Yes, this.

And I also don't understand this sort of comment, which always comes up on threads like these...

Remember the other parents just happen to have a child the same age as you - there is no particular reason why you should become friends.

...and...

having kids the same age doesn't mean you'll have anything else in common^
^
On that basis, why would children make any friends, if the only reason they're lumped in the same class is purely because they're the same age as everyone else?

Having kids the same age of course doesn't mean you'll have anything in common, but it is the reason parents are thrown together, and so it's inevitable (if you're not anti-social) that as you spend time with these people, you get to know some of them, and perhaps make friends.

I mean, people make friends with work colleagues. You could equally say, ' just because you work for the same company, doesn't mean you'll have anything in common'.

If you're continually thrown together with people - for any reason (and again, the ongoing caveat: if you're not anti-social) - you will get to know some of them, and likely make a friend or two or three. School, university, hobbies, work, school gate. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP - it can take time. Because the interactions are often very short, it does take time to build up a rapport with people, and really get to know them. Definitely invite kids over for play dates, and keep being friendly.

It's great to go beyond the small talk and make actual friends - you have a network of light relief, laughs, and back-up for each other in emergencies.

[MonstranceClock]

On that basis, why would children make any friends, if the only reason they're lumped in the same class is purely because they're the same age as everyone else?

What a stupid analogy. When are parents spending 8 hours a day together for 16 years of their life? Kids are friends because they have to be. I’m at school for 4 minutes a day.

[MerchantOfVenom]

The point remains - you're thrown together for an 'arbitrary' reason, in this case: age.

Being the same age as someone doesn't mean you will have anything in common with them. It's just the reason you've been thrown together.

You will then get to know people, and make friends with the ones you do have things in common with, or just plain old-fashioned get on well with.

[TwoOddSocks]

I think the school gate social scene is different from others because I literally have nothing in common with lots of them unlike at work/uni/hobbies/parties.

[MerchantOfVenom]

OK. But that's you.

Clearly lots of people do meet people at the school gate, get to know them, and find they do have things in common with them / get on well.

[Emeeno1]

My son has just started school and I have made a conscious decision to be as smiley and friendly as I can. I've suffered a mental crisis before and if I can smile at just one mum or dad or grandparent who might, just might be having a shit day then I will. They probably think I'm over friendly but I don't particularly care.

[AdoptedBumpkin]

That sounds a bit crap. I was very slightly intimidated when my daughter started a new school after we moved only this autumn.

[golfbuggy]

Merchant - And I also don't understand this sort of comment, which always comes up on threads like these...

"Remember the other parents just happen to have a child the same age as you - there is no particular reason why you should become friends."

What is there not to understand? If you meet a random person through knitting class or running group or even through your workplace you know you instantly have something in common. Yes, you might not become friends but having a shared interest is a good start. Having a child of the same age as the only thing in common means you potentially don't have any common interests. Yes, you might find someone with whom you totally get on, but you equally might not.

the children in the same class analogy is rubbish - the children have to get on because they spend 6 hours a day, 5 days a week together. And actually, there are plenty of children who never find friends in their class.

[yellowallpaper]

School mums are the same everywhere. Superficially pleasant, but very little deep friendships unless you know them from other areas. Personally I just don't bother with more than the odd nod and smile. When the kids get older and go to different schools these minimal friendships usually end anyway.

[Nat6999]

At ds school most of the parents already knew each other as they were either former pupils of the school or went to the same church. As a parent who wasn't a churchgoer or who attended the school myself I was an outsider as soon as ds started school, it was like a closed shop, you could never get in the circle.

[SellFridges]

I’m basically ignored by reception parents. It’s weird because I made some good friends when DD was in reception but this time round I may as well not exist. Meh.

I don’t mind really, but I do hope the fact they’re ignoring me doesn’t mean DS will be excluded from parties etc.

[ButtercupGirI]

Yes it's awful, we see posts like this on mumsnet quite often.

It's like everyone is climbing the social ladder. People will avoid you if you are billy no mates.

Being a introvert foreigner, what chance do I have? I stopped wasting my energy on making eye contacts or small talks to other parents a while ago. I know no one will be interested.

[Lizzie0869]

What's probably the case is that a lot of the parents have older children in the school, and this is why a lot of them know each other. It takes time to become part of things at the school but hang in there. And ask to be added to the Facebook group; it really helped me no end to know what was going on.

Your DS will make friends and get invited to parties, that's also a way in. And you'll be able to arrange play dates with his friends' parents. It will lead to friendships in some cases or at least cordial relationships where you can liaise together to arrange pay dates for your children.

Give it time, it's still early days!

[Elfnsafe1y]

Is there no one standing on their own?
I must admit to wanting to be in the fun group and ignoring the chance to get to know the outliers. With hindsight that's what I should have done.

[bakingcupcakes]

I used to feel like this when DS was in nursery - partly because he only went 2 days, the other 3 were in a nursery that provided wrap around care so I could work. I'd always be last to drop off because he'd cry and I'd feel embarrassed. Then I'd be the last to pick up so I didn't have to stand alone but gradually at parties and stuff I've started talking to the other parents and it's all kind of come together. I just talk to whoever's there now. It's funny because I've come across some of them at other things I've been at without DS and we've chatted. I quite like the school run.

I'm a firm believer that you can pick up friends anywhere though and quite often from unlikely places. I'm good friends with a mum I met when DS was a baby through nursery even though our kids aren't really friends now. They're the same age but go to different schools, have different interests etc. We definitely get on better than the kids do.