AIBU to find the school gates intimidating?

[Oasis22]

My son started reception in September and I guess I had a rose-tinted idea that I'd get to know the parents in his year and it would be a friendly 'in it together' attitude at the school gates, where everyone would mingle and make new friends, but I was obviously a bit naiive. For starters, they all seem to know each other already. We don't live in a small village where there's only one school or anything, so I found this a bit surprising. And much as I try and make small talk to be friendly etc and get a conversation going, people are happy to exchange pleasantries, but don't seem particularly interested in chatting, and just go to the person they're already good friends with. I only moved to this town two years ago, and whilst I've made friends through work, I was hoping the school gates might be a chance to get to know people, but it's not what I expected. Admittedly, I don't drop off and collect every single day like some mums do as my partner and I share it.

I was also slightly annoyed today as a parent-organised event the whole class had been invited to was cancelled, and the only reason I found out was I overheard a mum telling someone, and that the cancellation had been announced on 'the Facebook group'. What FB group?! Certainly not one I or this other parent were a part of.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? I know I shouldn't care but it's a bit crap.

[ShamblyChristmas]

It can be daunting and it can be a hard place for conversation with DC interrupting and the chaos of the school bell etc. But like every other social situation, there are always one or two people who are nice and that you will get on with.

In my limited experience (one child) like anything else, you get out what you put in. So host class parties, volunteer at the school, and you will then meet other mother's one-to-one and some teachers/support staff and you will start to feel more at home.

Why not find organisers of PA -led event and say (politely) that as you only found out by chance that event was cancelled this time, how do you keep in touch in future?

Good luck!

[Waxonwaxoff0]

YABU. I never get why people are so bothered about the "school gates" thing. My DS is in Year 2, I'm not friends with any of the school mums beyond a hello and a quick chat with a couple of them. I do chat with the parents too when DS goes to parties but I don't socialise with any of them outside of that.

I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to pick up DS.

I am in the school Facebook group and class group chat as the PTA mums add everyone. Mainly used for discussing and of year presents for teachers, "is it mufti day tomorrow" type conversations.

It doesn't affect party invitations, DS has lots of friends and there is no cliquiness at the school. The children decide who they want to invite to parties, not the adults.

[MonkeyBaublesOfFestiveDoom]

Fuck em.

That's my attitude. My daughter goes to school to learn, not facilitate my friendships.

[Notonthestairs]

Those mums may have gone to school together or met through other interests - or they may just have older children who know each other.

I've been standing at the same bloody school gates for 7 years. I'm probably in the group chatting incessantly. I freelance and work from home - aside from the school gates I don't get to see a lot of people!

Friendships take time. If you want to make friends there (and you definitely don't have to) invite them for coffee. Don't worry about the Facebook thing - ask to join, it will be useful for school events and reminders.

My kids will socialise with the kids they like regardless of who I know. I did always help out at parties and that meant I got to know a lot of parents (one disabled child so I had to stay as I didn't want to push the responsibilities on to others).

Hang on in there - I'm sure there are other parents feeling as you do.

[PositiveVibez]

I think some people are paranoid. I hardly ever drop off/pick up DD at the school gates.

I am in the WhatsApp group. Because I asked to be added. Everyone gets invited to nights out.

Whilst I'm not bezzies with any of the mums, I say hello and exchange pleasantries on school events etc.

Just say hello. Bit of chat about the kids, Xmas etc. Ask who is the admin for the FB group, and message them to ask to be added.

No need to stress.

[SimonJT]

I’m not a fan of it either, my son is in reception but he attended the pre-school so around 12 of the parents have seen me doing daily drop off and pick up for around a year.

There are two distinct friendship groups, then there’s me! They probably think I’m some sort of monster as my son screams and cries at every single drop off, he also cries when I pick him up. I have only had one parent talk to me beyond good morning, good afternoon etc. She wanted to ask for my wifes phone number so she could arrange for my son to go round and play. My imaginary wife doesn’t have a phone number, she text me a few times so we could find a good time but before my son could go round I got an abusive phone call from her husband as he thought something was going on. Barking up the wrong tree there mate. She is very solitary at school, I do worry about her as her husband is probably a bastard.

[Vulpine]

I have made good friends from all stages of my life, from school to college to work to school gates. I think its all part of life's rich tapestry, not really sure why school gates are any different. They're just people.

[golfbuggy]

I think cohorts of parents vary wildly. You seem to have got in with a tough crowd. Don't take it personally - most people just find it easier to talk to people they already know rather than try to get to know others - particularly if they are only getting to know others to make small talk in the playground. Definitely ask to join the FB group (just say "oh, I didn't realise there was an FB group- can I be added?" ).

Remember the other parents just happen to have a child the same age as you - there is no particular reason why you should become friends. In fact, if you only see them sometimes at the school gates and no other times, it would be quite unlikely that you would become friends. i would take comfort from the fact that your DC was invited to the event - so there's no sign that you are being deliberately excluded.
I think once your child starts making proper friends and you have playdates it's easier to get to know other parents.

My experience with my DS's year was that the parents were as describe, but in DD's year they were much more friendly. As my DC are 2 school years apart there was a fair cross over of parents, and I still find it amusing (because if I didn't laugh I'd cry) that mums who had pretty much ignored me in DS's year, suddenly wanted to speak to me in DD's year, when their younger children became friends with her.

[Shoxfordian]

All you're actually there to do is drop your kid off and pick them up. Stop being so sensitive

[lazylinguist]

All you're actually there to do is drop your kid off and pick them up.

^ This. If you regard it as a social event or a kind of friends dating pool, you're going to be disappointed. If you're already friends with someone there, then of course you'll have a proper chat if you have time. Otherwise it's maybe a few polite hellos, get your child and go.

I made friends with two mothers of girls in my dd's year when we moved here, but not by chatting with them at the school gates, by bumping into them in the village, chatting about our dogs and ending up walking them together.

[Besidesthepoint]

Why don't you try making friends somewhere else? I've seen plenty of "friendship through kids" die out when kids grow up. It's seldom a friendship, more a convenience. And non parents can be your friend too 😁

[Ozzie9523]

It's still early days. Go to all the parties (without your other half, will give you more opportunity to chat). Also when it's your DC's birthday perhaps try to have a whole class party. In a few months maybe organise some play dates with his favourite friends. It does take time.

[LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses]

I rarely drop off or pick up DS, I know a few of the parents by sight but don't know any of their names, most of them seemed to know each other already.

I moved into the area shortly before DS started nursery, we did go to toddler groups but it was mainly grandparents and child minders there and DS was an overactive handful at that age so I spent most of my time stopping him running into children smaller than him rather than chatting.

[Alanna1]

It’s only been a term - don’t take it personally. As others have suggested, ask to join the facebook group. These things are usually informal. You could also set up a class whats app group if this isn’t one or ask to become a class rep for your PTA. You could also offer to host some drinks in Jan? But don’t take it personally if not many people come!

[Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze]

Just take it really slowly. You won’t make close friends while your first child is in reception. Take it bit by bit, be friendly not needy, respect the fact that people have long standing friendships and don’t worry about it. By the end it will come!

[Tensixtysix]

I started off being the first one there at reception and by year 6(with DD2) I was one of the parents who sat in the car until the last minute.
There's only so much 'chatter' you can put up with after almost 10 years of being at the school gates.
Secondary school is bliss!

[AlpacaGoodnight]

You will get there! Ask someone about the facebook group. Keep saying hello and muscle in on random conversations. Once the parties start it gets easier and you starr chatting more. I found as I didn't do many drop offs it was hard at first but I just kept at it and now I love the school run.

[homeishere]

Why do you have to be best mates with the other mums? Just drop your kid and crack on.

Don’t project on to your kid or they won’t make any friends.

[Nat6999]

I can't understand all this thing about appearances in the playground. The bitching, the cliques, most of the mothers act just as childish as their children. I saw so much bullying & intimidation going on at ds primary school between mothers. I came to the conclusion that if it wasn't for school I wouldn't choose to have anything to do with these women in ordinary day to day life so applied the same principal to the playground after seeing a group of mothers getting physically & verbally aggressive towards another mother.

[Oasis22]

So good to hear all these perspectives, thank you. And it's actually got me thinking. However self-conscious I feel, what about all the dads and grandparents? You never see big groups of dads nattering away, they're always on the outskirts (like me!), waiting patiently.

I was at a kids party recently and a dad was standing alone near me, whilst everyone chatted around him. I started talking to him and the first thing he blurted out was "I dont know anyone here!" , clearly terrified! He was a single dad and a nice guy, for whom socialising with a bunch of mums was even more hard work.

I totally get that some people don't care/find it easy/don't give it a second thought, but we're all different. It's not 'important', but I've found it an eye-opener.

[Thestrangestthing]

Sounds great to me. I'm not part of rh class fb groups or WhatsApp groups, not interested. I don't try and mingle with people. I'm just not interested in making new friends. I reise that makes me sound like a total bitch, but there we go 😂

[Pfefferkuchen]

I found that people complaining about drama usually ARE the drama. Most parents just get on with it, exchange a few words, but are usually rushing from and to somewhere and pay next to no attention to anything.

[Talkingmouse]

Don’t take it personally. It takes time. Get there early. Don’t rush off. Go to after school fairs/events/etc. Ask a friendly sort about the Fb group. Who does your dc play with? Invite them for play dates. Organise a class party when it’s your dc birthday. Go to the park after school etc etc.

[Pfefferkuchen]

I'm not part of rh class fb groups or WhatsApp groups, not interested.

I genuinely cannot understand this attitude either. It's not about trying to find a social group, but how you can you reject everyone and be bitchy when you don't know them, and not be interested by anything that concerns your child?

[MonstranceClock]

Oh god I hope you’re not the woman I keep having to avoid at school