AIBU about my dad

[LovemyDDxx]

I just want people to tell me if I am being ungrateful or not. And please be honest.

I am a single mother to my nearly 6 yo DD. Her father not around, don’t get child maintenance. I can’t go there for money as that’s a whole other stressful story.

I am in shared temporary accommodation, recently last month moved here, hopefully getting a council house by end of 2020 / start of 2021 as I’m high on the list now. And it’s what the council and my support worker who works for the council have told me. I used to privately rent but landlord wanted to sell. When I lived here I lived walking distance to my DD’s school. I now live 4 miles away from it. I refuse to move her school as she has lots of friends and she’s already been through enough regarding moving house and her dad. And I don’t want to put her through moving schools.

I was given my my dads car in 2015, which has always stayed in the family so it was very decent. But someone rear ended me and it got written off. Around the same time, my dad inherited a lot of money from my grandad and my dad told all his children he would give us a few thousand each. He told me mine had to go towards a new car, I said that’s fine by me. He found me a car and said it was decent, full service history no problems. I didn’t view it before hand as I trusted my dad and he fixed cars years ago as a job. When I got it a few months ago I noticed straight away there was noise which was right and my dad denied hearing it. Fair enough he may not of but I took it to the garage and it was something to do with the ball joint. I didn’t quite understand it. But my dad got it fixed and paid for it. I am very grateful for it. Without asking me he got the water pump and something related to it done too. It didn’t need doing but I thought fair enough so what he needs to do and he said he’ll take it out the money he was giving me. Fair enough. Altogether it was £600 more or less to fix the car. Now my cars engine has a hole in it I noticed yesterday cos of the new noise, and last week it has been squeaking loudly just driving on normal roads no bumps. When I brake suddenly I feel like something is hitting against the pedal from underneath the car and the revs sometimes are low when I’m stationary.

I called him just now to say I’m taking it down the garage but worried how much it’s going to cost because it a lot of stuff happening. Bare in mind he has always told me if I need help with money with the car to ask him. He told me he’s skint. Yet he takes my step mum on holiday 2-3 times a year, him and my step mum have 2019 cars, one of which my dads is a sports car. They constantly go out for meals and they live in a massive house by the beach. They’ve taken early retirement, because they can afford it, and my step mum gave a load of my grandads inheritance to her two sons (my step brothers) so they can put a mortgage down for their houses. My grandad never met them as when he died my parents were still together. My dad only recently got this money as it was all tied up. I’m in shared accommodation where there’s antisocial behaviour, on food banks, whilst my dad lives the high life. I’ve always had a relationship with him so it’s not as if I’m just after loads of money. I just feel annoyed he got me a rubbish car that is breaking so much.

I get a feeling loads of people are saying to move her to a walking distance school but as I said earlier I can’t and I’ve been advised by professionals not to as it would break my daughter. I just feel like my dad doesn’t care. I know I shouldn’t rely on him but he has given us all money, but didn’t give me mine cos he was sorting a car for me. So I trusted him with it. I’m like lost for words. Please be kind :( my mum hasn’t got any money, I’m borrowing her car tomorrow for the last day of term. I work but it doesn’t cover.

Sorry might be some spelling mistakes!

So sorry to hear about your predicament. Can you have a heart to heart with your dad and let him know that whilst you’re grateful for the car it is causing you many problems and can he get you something more reliable and spend the equivalent amount of money on you as your other family members have had. When he says he’s skint you might have to say whilst it’s totally his choice wouldn’t he prefer to have a less expensive holiday and have the peace of mind instead of knowing his daughter and grand-daughter are in a roadworthy vehicle. Of course if he refuses that’s entirely up to him but it’s also up to you how much contact you have with him as it sounds as though he’s treating you very unfairly. Is there any back story as to why he is behaving this way?

@Baileyscheesecake My dad cheated on my mum with my step mum if that’s what you meant by back story. He wasn’t the best father, was slow with payments to my mum when I was younger etc, but he’s not in any debt. If my mum had the money she wouldn’t of done this. In fact if anything my mum is actually meeting me down the garage after school today. I’m sitting in my car atm waiting outside my DD’s school which is also my work.

@LovemyDDxx When I said backstory I was thinking more along the lines of has he helped you a lot financially in the past and that's why he's now saying he's skint rather than getting you a decent car. It seems very unfair to give your step mum's sons money when they never even met your grandfather but he's probably more vested in keeping her happy than he is in looking out for you by the sounds of it. I do hope you can get him to change his mind. Hang in there and I hope you get a house near to your daughter's school in the new year. You sound like a lovely mum. I wish you well

Obviously he isn't obliged to do anything but I know for a fact I could never go on nice holidays and drive round in sports cars while my child and grandchild lived in rubbish shared housing and struggled to fix a car I lumbered them with.

Is there a bit more to this? Has he helped you previously with debts etc?

It's very similar to a situation in our family where a sibling had got into gambling debts and had pretty much used up a lot of good will by the time an inheritance came along. He was given the money to buy a car and pay for insurance etc. In one year he visited his parents twice in the car and lives 15 miles away from them. He now claims the car has broken down.

It must be difficult for parents to try and be fair to all children if they have different financial needs.

@Baileyscheesecake My birthday is around Christmas so for my birthday and Christmas combined, in the past he has paid for my car tax, but I would get nothing else during the year and no other presents, fair enough I don’t expect it cos I’m at that age where I need things rather than want things. He doesn’t give my daughter pocket money or anything (not that I expect him to). He will give me a gift card for a clothes shop for her birthday. When I was growing up he would never contribute to my school trips, my mum would have to pay, and when I did some courses at college it was my mum who got my bus pass. My dad refused to help. He expects me to work like 60 hours a week so I can afford a mortgage?! I want to do a degree so I can be a teacher when my daughter starts secondary school, and he told me to do all these courses which I want to do, but comments when I tell him I can’t afford them.

@NomNomNomNom you’ve made a really valid point which has opened my eyes a lot about him.

@AppleJane I’ve never been in any debt at all.

I was 16 when I went to college and needed the bus pass just to clarify.

Rather than the car, the money would have been much better placed finding you and your dd a home surely?

Hi OP..just a thought and I am playing devils advocate here..maybe your dad feels it is up to you to sort yourself out.Not saying I agree with him but maybe he thinks if you are old enough to have a child and a job then you should stand on your own two feet? I get you are in shared acommodation and are waiting for council housing and nothing is going right for you at the minute but it is your problem not his. I personally couldnt do what he has done to my kids.Mine is 29 and is still my kid.I do all sorts for him still. He is leaving home soon and I paid his flat deposit and bought him things he needed and he earns more than me but I do it cos its a mum thing! and I like to see him settled. Could you move in with your mum or your dad for a bit maybe? Thinking that could help to get you out of where you are and then you could save to get your own place a bit quicker? A place of your choosing? Does your dad really know how hard life is for you at the minute? Maybe if you could have a coffee with your dad on your own and explain he might be more willing to help you out? I am sorry life is so tough for you and I really hope it wont be too long before you are settled and happy.If I was your dad or your mum I just know I would bend over backwards to help you more so if you were doing everything you could to try to do the best for you and your daughter....I am sorry you are going through this,life is so not easy sometimes and when you are at a low life tends to kick you harder....Hopefully this new year will bring you more happier and settled times. Have another chat with your family...ask them to help ..you have nothing to loose...

From what you say you are not being unreasonable at all. I agree with @nomnomnomnom It sounds as though he is very selfish and inconsiderate. Stay strong, You have great plans for the future and I wish you lots of luck and success. I really hope you get where you are aiming for. And when you do get there and he needs your help in the future when he is old and infirm I hope you'll remind him of how mean he has been to you!!!

I suspect he is a bit of a snob and doesn’t like your current situation.

Sally my mum is in a 2 bed house, she has cancer and my sister lives there. My dad lives 2 hours away. I know my mum would help if she could. I understand your point and I am standing on my own two feet. I’m saving for a course, I’m on the council housing list, because as much as I am working, I still get universal credit to top it up and no privately rented places accept that, I work as many hours as I can. But it’s more that he promised he would sort me out a reliable car in his exact words, but it’s not reliable at this point. Maybe I will have a more in depth chat with him when I next see him. He doesn’t seem to listen over the phone and butts in. You sound like a fab mum, and your son is very lucky to have you

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude funny you should say that, my step mum once said to me “next time you have a child get married first”. if it adds to the story my daughter’s father is an abusive and violent man.

You know what OP regardless of your dad I just know you will be ok,things will work out for you cos you sound such a smart cookie. You can only do your best and when you get to my age you learn really that the only person you can rely on is yourself! I think you sound like you are doing everything you can and one day hopefully not too far away you can look back and realise how far you have come and how much of an inspiration you are to your daughter as she is growing up. I send you nothing but continued strength and best wishes. Keep battling on it will be worth it one day I promise you.

Thank you Sally

Moral of the story is he's helped you in the past and isn't going to now. Rightly or wrongly you are going to have to work this out on your own

And don't EVER ask him for anything again

How did you get on at the garage. Does the car need much done?

@Elieza it needed a new exhaust, it was rotting loads, and something to do with the fan belt and some heater thing. I just hope that nothing else goes wrong now 🤞

@Elieza also what is annoying is, when advertised it said it had a fairly new exhaust on it....

So am I right in thinking that your step brothers that bare no blood relation to your dad or your grandad (who they also never met) were given money to put towards deposits on houses and you're in shared temporary accommodation and were given a car that needs constant work?

YANBU and in fact I'm picking away at this... so he's shared a portion of inheritance equally amongst his children but he's decided to take control of your share. Why? It doesn't really sound like you got a say in this so I feel he's not really treating you as an adult who is capable of making her own decisions. He's chosen a car, and then repairs which he took the car to have done have again come out of your share, so in that sense its not cost HIM a penny. That's now. Then I see your back story, cheating on your mum, being slow with payments and generally not helping you financially, and how I read it is that he is a man who heavily resented having to part with a penny for your upbringing that he probably felt should no longer be his responsibility, or at least regretted that he had to pay out for having had children with a woman he no longer had a relationship with. This is not your fault, and I'm sorry that you have a F who is like this, you deserved better. I would stop asking going forward however hard that is, as to owe him for anything will just give him a hold over you which you really don't want. I'm sorry about your current situation and I really hope things improve.

Where did you buy it from? If a garage you can go to trading standards. It could be he’s been in trouble multiple times for lying about cars. There could be some recompense. However if a private sale you’ve had it.

Re all the stuff you’ve had done, it sounds like it’s an old car. Has it had its timing belt done? Some cars have a timing belt, some a chain. Chains last forever. Timing belts need changed according to manufacturers recommendations which you can google, (also google to see if belt or chain). Usually around 70-80k miles. If that’s what got done (not the fan belt, that’s different) then that’s expensive and good to do.

I’m surprised that your dad, having worked in the trade, bought you such a rubbish car. He doesn’t appear to have spent much time on this matter. He probably feels bad that it’s crap and it’s guilt that’s making him try and fix it for you, tempered with the wife nipping his ear. She may give him grief for spending any money on you at all and be after his money for her own children.

I’d still be on to him for help. It’s all very well walking away and keeping your pride intact but you have a child and you need to be sure the car is in good nick. As what will happen the next time a bit falls off? He will probably say that he bought you a car and you should be grateful.

I think we should all stand on our own two feet but this man hardly spent any money on you during your childhood, like so many fathers, so I feel you should get that money off him now when the car needs stuff kinda thing.

However you do need to stand on your own feet too. Perhaps if you ask his advice and tell him all the barriers you face he could more easily see how much you struggle, and come up with solutions? At least if none are found then he will see why you struggle, just in case he thinks you are lazy or stupid or somehow it’s all your own fault you can’t go to uni etc.