AIBU about my dad

[LovemyDDxx]

I just want people to tell me if I am being ungrateful or not. And please be honest.

I am a single mother to my nearly 6 yo DD. Her father not around, don’t get child maintenance. I can’t go there for money as that’s a whole other stressful story.

I am in shared temporary accommodation, recently last month moved here, hopefully getting a council house by end of 2020 / start of 2021 as I’m high on the list now. And it’s what the council and my support worker who works for the council have told me. I used to privately rent but landlord wanted to sell. When I lived here I lived walking distance to my DD’s school. I now live 4 miles away from it. I refuse to move her school as she has lots of friends and she’s already been through enough regarding moving house and her dad. And I don’t want to put her through moving schools.

I was given my my dads car in 2015, which has always stayed in the family so it was very decent. But someone rear ended me and it got written off. Around the same time, my dad inherited a lot of money from my grandad and my dad told all his children he would give us a few thousand each. He told me mine had to go towards a new car, I said that’s fine by me. He found me a car and said it was decent, full service history no problems. I didn’t view it before hand as I trusted my dad and he fixed cars years ago as a job. When I got it a few months ago I noticed straight away there was noise which was right and my dad denied hearing it. Fair enough he may not of but I took it to the garage and it was something to do with the ball joint. I didn’t quite understand it. But my dad got it fixed and paid for it. I am very grateful for it. Without asking me he got the water pump and something related to it done too. It didn’t need doing but I thought fair enough so what he needs to do and he said he’ll take it out the money he was giving me. Fair enough. Altogether it was £600 more or less to fix the car. Now my cars engine has a hole in it I noticed yesterday cos of the new noise, and last week it has been squeaking loudly just driving on normal roads no bumps. When I brake suddenly I feel like something is hitting against the pedal from underneath the car and the revs sometimes are low when I’m stationary.

I called him just now to say I’m taking it down the garage but worried how much it’s going to cost because it a lot of stuff happening. Bare in mind he has always told me if I need help with money with the car to ask him. He told me he’s skint. Yet he takes my step mum on holiday 2-3 times a year, him and my step mum have 2019 cars, one of which my dads is a sports car. They constantly go out for meals and they live in a massive house by the beach. They’ve taken early retirement, because they can afford it, and my step mum gave a load of my grandads inheritance to her two sons (my step brothers) so they can put a mortgage down for their houses. My grandad never met them as when he died my parents were still together. My dad only recently got this money as it was all tied up. I’m in shared accommodation where there’s antisocial behaviour, on food banks, whilst my dad lives the high life. I’ve always had a relationship with him so it’s not as if I’m just after loads of money. I just feel annoyed he got me a rubbish car that is breaking so much.

I get a feeling loads of people are saying to move her to a walking distance school but as I said earlier I can’t and I’ve been advised by professionals not to as it would break my daughter. I just feel like my dad doesn’t care. I know I shouldn’t rely on him but he has given us all money, but didn’t give me mine cos he was sorting a car for me. So I trusted him with it. I’m like lost for words. Please be kind :( my mum hasn’t got any money, I’m borrowing her car tomorrow for the last day of term. I work but it doesn’t cover.

She may give him grief for spending any money on you at all

But this is the thing, from reading what the OP has put, it seems to me that he hasn't, he's used the inheritance and OP is trusting that its in line with what he's given the other children (which aren't his but let's just say for this that he thinks of them has his own). While I absolutely agree he SHOULD be helping his own daughter, I am seeing a selfish man who is doing his duty as a F to the absolute minimum so he can say to others he did what he could, and for the OP's MH in the long term, the quicker she has zero expectations of him, the better. I see a man who is having zero empathy for his own daughter's very difficult situation, having left her mother struggling to bring her up on her own with little financial support given. He is accepting no responsibility for his part in creating this situation when I think its arguable that OP's life probably took this course (abusive ex-partner to boot) very much BECAUSE of the way her own father, the first man in her life, behaved towards her and her M when she was a child. I feel very sorry for OP and angry towards her F.

LovemyDDxx I'm not sure you're going to come back now but been thinking how I would love you to return the car to your F in person on Monday morning and say that on second thought you'll take the money to the same amount as your step-siblings and you will decide how best to spend it, then refuse to leave until he's transfered it into your account. He can sell the car, his responsibilitt, not yours. I would actually love you to think about how much your step-siblings have benefitted from their upbringing while you've struggled. Your F is being extremely controlling and not treating you as an adult. He's not providing you with emotional or financial support in any real sense, and it doesn't sound like he ever has. He's conditioned you to feel grateful for anything he has provided, when actually he owes you so much more for all those years ago when he decided to stop behaving as a parent should.

So I first wondered how much was the car? My logic being I have a £3k car that goes like a workhouse so I know they are available out there. If yours is this problematic and he knows his cars, I’d guess he hasn’t spent a few thousand on it. This would also match with him being able to spend £600 out of your money on it.
I can’t fix your dad problem and suspect much the same as other PPs. However, I’d ask your dad for the car receipt and all the car related documents (I suspect he may have kept them). You can see how much it was, plus the £600 and ask for any money left outstanding to you. I have a nagging feeling you haven’t had your full share and there’s at least another £1k there, unless he’s paid for something other than the car stuff?
Tell him something about being independent which is why you want this.
Find a small local independent garage and ask what they can do to keep it going and ask them to assess the extent of the issue/s.
What I would hope for is that you can do a “quick fix” and sell it part-ex against another car on something more reliable like a Honda or Kia with the rest of your money. Never be tied to a bad car. Life's too short for unreliable rides. (And yes, that can be meant another way too with same sentiment)

@Baileyscheesecake Would you like to read your comment of 19 12 19 at 16.10. That is very much like blackmail and more likely to get OP cut off completely if I was her Dad

Shewhomustgowithoutname And...? Not sure being cut off completely by a F who behaves in this way is any bad thing. To stay in contact just for financial gain is not a good reason if it causes undue anxiety IMO. Been there. It is very sad to get to that point but necessary if its having a negative impact on your own MH. That said, I think its very unfair if OP doesn't get her share of the inheritance now (not a clapped out rust bucket), when she desperately needs it and step-children got theirs towards house deposits.

@FreshStart01
It is grabby to expect money from F's inheritance. It is not nice to demand money with a threat of not seeing the DGC if money is not given. It is not the purpose of a DC and DGC to be used as a stick to beat a DGP. The F is retired so not meant to be threatened into parting with money.
None of this is very pleasant.

Around the same time, my dad inherited a lot of money from my grandad and my dad told all his children he would give us a few thousand each

This.

OP is not being 'grabby', in fact she sounds overly grateful when he's done the bare minimum the whole of her life. And seeing your GC is not a right of passage if you do not behave like a loving, caring GP should. I am just suggesting OP should think hard about whether continuing a relationship with a selfish, controlling man is actually going to be goid for her DD' self-esteem as well as her own MH. I don't think she should try to blackmail him, and doubt very much that would work anyway if he's the kind of person/P/GP he sounds like to me.

@Shewhomustgowithoutname I am really sruggling to see in the post yoi direct us too anything that suggests OP should use her DC as blackmail for ensuring inheritance....?

Just how much of the inheritance went to the stepsons? You say “a lot”, so it sounds like more than the “few thousand” promised to each child.

If it’s a penny more than you got, and there is no backstory of you having more in the past or pissing away his cash (and it doesn’t sound like there is) I would phase him out.

He wouldn’t pay your bus fare in college? Leaving it all to your mum?

I’m sorry, but he’s just an arsehole. Unless there’s a backstory.

I disagree with trying to move in with family - if you’re a year away from secure housing, stick with the temporary accommodation if you possibly can.

You’re doing a lovely thing prioritising you’re daughter with the school run.

Save your attention for you mum, fuck your dad.

OP, just a thought because something doesn't sit right with me in this story... have you seen your grandad's will? Is it the case that he decided that your father would execute it and X amount would be paid out to each of the grandchildren? If that's the case then sorry to say but I don't see how your father would be able to make a decision as to how to dispose of your money (i.e. your share of the inheritance) because it is owned by you. As I said not sure of what the full details are, and my though may be completely wrong, depending on the circumstances, but nevertheless decided to reply in case it is in fact relevant. Best of luck and sorry you're going through a tough time, parents aren't always supportive or reasonable (from experience) xxx

@FreshStart01 "If he refuses (to make the car roadworthy) that is entirely up to him but it is up to you how much contact you have with him."
That is the sentence I think sounds like blackmail. Fix the car or I dont have contact with you. As child is 6 she can hardly travel on her own to see the F.
What other way could that be read?

@Shewhomustgowithoutname I would read it as If he refuses... then he clearly isn't all that concerned for the well-being of you and your child but it is up to you how much contact you have with him because to be in touch with an uninterested P/GP can be more damaging than no P/GP at all. No suggestion there that she should blackmail him ysing her DC, and no suggestion anyway that he's tried very hard to build a good relationship with his GC. He made his bed.

@FreshStart01 we dont really know the whole story and perhaps both of us are looking at this through our own perspectives. It is nice if family members can help each other but my view is from the position of my experiences. I see a lot of situations where DGC are as another person on Mn described "pay per view". It is horrible