To think I buggered up with neighbour

[Clappingforjoy]

Go easy please but I am contemplating on apologising to my neighbour for been a knob yesterday.
My neighbour in flat above is sort of the fussy sort she hasnt complained excessively about things that me and dp may do or dont do we have had things such as banging on the ceiling at night if we chat and it's quite late and then yesterday she complained about my dp leaving dusty footprints outside her door and down footprints he is in building trade so things can get messy.
Her door is on the side thru a doorway and our shed is thru this door so it's like communal access. Yesterday she opened the door and said she is fed up of dusty footprints and to please clean up and that do knows he is doing it and doesnt offer to clean it.
I feel I handled it wrong as I told her that we need to try and give some leeway if in a communal setting and she ranted at me that she was giving a simple request to clean up ourselves and that she never complains about other stuff like the door banging shut and the mess in our garden caused by when dh removed old cupboards removed from the shed which we hadn't of yet managed to dispose of.
I feel aibu and feel that I need to apologise.

Kill her with kindness. Pop round with a card and say you are very sorry and from now on you will clean up afterwards.

If her husband hadn't have come shouting about another subject I would have gone straight round to apologise
We also got heated up about the lack of noise insulation whereas she said let my dp RIP out our ceiling and put insulation in and she will go 50 50 on it

Given the exchanges that have taken place, it seems to me that the best way is to adopt a policy of 'least said, soonest mended'.

Either you or your dp should get into the habit of cleaning up any he tracks through the communal area, or he should change into trainers or remove his shoes before entering the building as this will demonstrate that you are being considerate neighbours.

Fit a restricting gadget to the banging door as a matter of urgency - i.e no later than this weekend as it sounds as if that will go a long way to appease them.

I would also suggest that you pop a Christmas card through their door on Monday or Tuesday without making any reference to this matter. If you don't know their names, just a simple 'to our neighbours at flat (insert number)' will do. They may bin it but at least you will have tried to pour some festive oil on troubled waters.

I agree with most of the posts, but make a few changes to ensure you dont leave it looking messy. No need to apologize as actions speak louder than words. Think about moving if your neighbour can hear you talking, it's all very well developers building places like this, and it does make economic use of available land, however they cause lots of conflict. Your neighbour could complain to the council, who would then insist on things like cupboards left in the garden, better to keep the peace. She may need your help one day.

Get your husband to carry a clean pair of slip on shoes, trainers or those plastic covers and get him to put those on before he comes into the building. He also needs to clean up any dust or mess he brings in with him just like he would in his own home. As he is a builder get him to fix the banging door immediately. Put card through neighbour's door and apologise for any mess and say your DH will be more careful in future.

We are rental and she owns hers by the way.
Also I have issues with thier guttering leaking and getting wet whenever I go out the back door and she said how often do I go out the back door and that we are also responsible for the guttering and that she keeps sweeping leaves off the communal area but that they keep blowing over from.our side so I offered to put a fence up

I was sort of on the fence until you referenced she could have any old riffraff move in family of kids etc etc and she would get worse than footprints + the wheelbarrow (ffs)!

Yes - a Christmas card with apology and confirmation DH will take shoes off before entering.

I told her that easiest solution is if she claims the whole land and building as her own problem solved

Their guttering leaking isn't really on a par with your DH trampling through the communal areas in dirty boots

OP - the more you say, the worse you sound . But you have the endearing good grace to recognise this (I think). So stop acting like riffraff , apologise and mend your ways

Well thank you Arid

People say all sorts of things in the heat of the moment but, as I've said, 'least said, soonest mended' and if you remove, wherever possible, their bones of contention and demonstrate that you can be considerate neighbours, you should be able to calmly discuss the guttering and other issues in the not distant future without stirring it all up again .

There is no sound insulation at all it's just like been in one house. I can hear her dh snoring

I have taken all advice on board so thank you

Sorry OP can't help but chuckle as you obviously know it went too far in the heat of the moment.

They are obviously VERY upset about it all. I think all you can do is offer to meet, write down any problems you have that pertains to their property, say you will ask your DP to take shoes off at the door ( or whateve is easiest) or suggest a shared cleaning rota for the communal area perhaps. Allow her to do the same and attempt to reach resolutions. I would apologise for having said the things you said, but I would also explain that you were caught on the back foot by her DH shouting, which upset you and was not appropriate- there are ways to communicate things.

No don’t apologise...

It’s a bit of dust FGS !! Some people are so petty and will make a mountain out of a molehill.
If you want, clean up the dust but she needs to remember that she isn’t the only one living there. If she doesn’t like neighbours or hearing people talking - she should move to a deserted house with no neighbours. Simple

OP, like it or not your neighbor has more investment in her living environment and she is right to protect it. Her actions/opinions with regards to the communal areas will also mean that you get to live in a nicer situation. Obviously, as you are renting, you cannot rip down the ceiling as it is not your property and she should be able to understand that. Any noise nuisance that you make will probably become less important if you do not cause mess and dirt. So not leaving dust and clearing up leaves is reasonable and normal.

She sounds like a piece of work.
I wouldn’t apologise to her, it will only make her feel right to do things like banging on the ceiling at night. There’s no excuse for that, completely batshit behavior.

Just keep the communal area clean and keep a log of her rude behavior as the banging on the ceiling. Someone who did that would immediately lose all credibility with me. Starting to make a lot of noise and possibly waking up others with agressive behavior directed at one neighbour because you feel they’re a nuisance is incredibly hypocritical and selfish behavior.

It reminds me a bit of a crazy lady who lived in my flat and who came to my door one day to accuse me of letting my dog pee in and near the elevator on the carpet even though my dog didn’t. Her stupid reasoning was: but you’re the only dog owner on this floor. She kept accusing me in a very agressive and hostile manner (she was clearly frustrated about it) even though it absolutely wasn’t true hence she had no proof and I pointed out that relatives of one of my neighbors visited every week at least once, bringing their dogs with them.

When she kept repeating her accusations, I told her very clearly that if she wouldn’t stop bothering me with her false accusations, I would report her to the police and the same thing would happen if she would badmouth me towards others re this matter. As soon as she left, I wrote a complaint about her behavior to the owners council of the flat (she was the chairwoman of the council!) and told them I would expect better behavior from someone in her position and trust them to not let her abuse her power to falsely accuse people.
They apologised and she never bothered me again. Sometimes people just need someone to act out their frustrations on and though you should stay polite at all times, it helps if they know you’re not a pushover.

Their guttering leaking isn't really on a par with your DH trampling through the communal areas in dirty boots
Well, it is, in that it causes problems and needs sorting.

dh works with plaster and it drives me nuts when he comes home with it on his boots as it is in the driveway and he brings into the house. It builds up on the driveway and I or ds also walk in it and bring it in, and its just horrible, white when dry and grim when wet.

But, that is our private driveway, our problem and I will continue to nag dh. YABVU to cause that issue in a shared space and it must be frustrating for your NDN to have a regular mess not of their making. This is not a give and take type situation. Tell your dh to remove/change his boots before coming in or if he does make a mess clean it up immediately, it is simply considerate when you make a mess.

In joint properties the roof/guttering is usually joint responsibility so get onto your landlord to resolve.

If it did get heated and you were rude, apologise and try to come to some amicable compromises over the noise issues.

I'd just ignore her - obviously your dh needs to be more careful about not tramping dust through but she sounds like whatever you do will be wrong. If the cupboards were in your garden then tough.

The guttering probably needs to be reported to the leaseholder/management committee or via your landlord to fix.
But you being tenants and her an owner speaks volumes. I suspect that whatever you do will be wrong in her eyes as she sees herself as superior

Well you sound like a decent neighbour.
She is probably very fussy though when it comes to nightmare neighbour's it is not the worst kind.
I know the cupboards are in your own garden though if it is in front of her window it probably irritates her, rightly or wrongly.
My old neighbour use to leave any old shite broken bikes and washing machine it was irritating.
I never said anything but did give her the odd scowl stare.

I mean you sound like a decent neighbour by apologising.
I'd get the shite in the garden sorted too.
I know people say it shouldn't bother you if not in their garden, who wants to pay good money to live looking out at a filthy garden even if it is next door.
Buy those shoe covers for DP or shoes off and the main door, put tea towels over the doors to prevent banging until you are ready to close them for sleeping.

My dad had a messy job and would take his work boots off and leave them in his van, changing into trainers to drive.

I would be pretty annoyed if a neighbour constantly left mess and didn't clear it up. Who do you expect to clear it up.

Also you don't 'fly tip' your stuff into a communal garden you dispose of it straight away.

Your household is in the wrong.
Apologise, do better, move on