Offensive t shirt 'joke'

[suspended]

⚠️ Content warning- sexual violence

know I'm not aibu to be offended but should I feel guilty?

Today a colleague told us him and his brother try and get each other the most offensive T-shirt's for Christmas each year. He said the last one they got got him kicked out of a music festival by some 'annoyed feminists'. So I asked what it was. He said it was Michael winners face and writing 'calm down dear or this rape will turn into a murder!'

I obviously couldn't hide my horror at him finding this funny and as I was already stood
Up to leave I said 'and on that note, I am going. That's absolutely vile. Not funny' and left.

Had a text from another colleague saying they thought the guy 'felt really uncomfortable' but agreed with me that rape jokes are never funny.

Now I'm worried about going back in tomorrow and how I'll approach this man as he sits next to me. I even feel a little guilty as I think me walking out seemed harsh.

What do you guys think?

I'm used to coarse jokes normally but I just think it completely crossed the line.

Fucks sake let's not start on the "men get raped too derail" we all know this and this is not what the thread is about

It is a vile tshirt promoting rape and murder how could you be anything else but disgusted by it

Whilst rape is not a solely female issue the T-shirt is very clearly sexist and making a joke about women being raped and how they should react

It's a joke based on the '"calm down dear, it's just a commercial" advert from years ago. Agreed it isn't funny but I personally read it as taking the piss out of Michael Winners being a creepy fuck more than it is about the victims of rape.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable,
I read the full thread, thanks

I can read the OP’s take on the situation and I can also see how the other person could spin his version of truth and HR would be hearing two different stories.

That’s all.

He answered your question. The whole point of the discussion was " what is the post offensive thing you can think of" , pretty much. Next time walk out of the conversation before asking.
If you are allergic to peanuts, and you get the " may content peanuts" warning, why would you go near?
So yes Yabu.
If he was wearing the shirt that would be different as you have no choice but to see it.

Having said that, I don't think you should worry about how he feels. If he repeats something offensive surely it can't be that surprising that people find it offensive.
Like a pp said, conversation over.

Well done OP. He finally feels uncomfortable about something he should have felt uncomfortable about ages ago. You did really good.

Agreed, no need to make him feel comfortable. Don't go out of your way with him, just be civil. Have something prepared for if he raises the issue that will repeat your point with NO apology. The problem with seeking to be offensive is that you offend people. He possibly is loving this, but if you can hold your ground he may learn something.

Slippery this is not about finding ot funny or not. This is about manners.
I find offensive and cruel jokes funny myself, but will only share them with like-minded friends.
I know better than telling them in a bigger group, especially at work, when I don't know other people's tastes in humour, and when there is a real chance it brings back awful memories to some people.
So yes you can find offensive jokes funny and still be decent enough to keep them to yourself.
But the OP shouldn't have asked.
She shouldn't feel too bad about her reaction though.
The whole conversation was an argument waiting to happen.

Don't worry about how uncomfortable he is. He has discovered that his sense of humour is only funny to idiots like him and he won't (hopefully) be making the mistake again (of saying he thinks rape jokes are funny)

Agree with PP that he wanted you to ask - the "some feminists" comment was might possibly have been a lead up to him going on to ask you if you're a po-faced feminist too. But you left and stole that.

He feels uncomfortable? well I wonder how a load of female colleagues feel when they discover one of their male colleagues finds rape jokes funny?

I agree that it’s not funny, but men get raped too, it’s far from an exclusively female issue.

FFS! Even when we’re talking about an immature, sexist arsehole of a man talking about a rapist who targeted females, we still get the what about the men?! Seriously, can we for once have a conversation about a situation in which we’re centring females, without that! Just one fucking thread!

OP, you didn’t do anything wrong by asking him what the shirt said. The fact that he told the story would strongly suggest he was waiting for someone to ask him, so he could continue showing how ‘funny’ he and his equally obnoxious brother is.

Am a bit surprised at the number of posters who are trying to minimize the situation. He was clearly dying to tell his so-called joke to a room full of female co-workers. He was telling them to know their place. What a misogynistic creep.

Wow. I would find that triggering (and I normally hate that term). Does he not realise that a lot of women have been in situations where they have been assaulted or raped and feared for their lives? Why would he want to remind them of that?

Well done, OP. Wearing that t-shirt spreads the message to everyone who sees it - killing a woman is funny. What a jerk.

smem "Does he not realise that a lot of women have been in situations where they have been assaulted or raped and feared for their lives? Why would he want to remind them of that?"

if someone tells him, he won't believe it or won't care.

anyway OP, hopefully work was normal today.

Wear a T-shirt that says 'I sit next to this cunt all day' with a directional arrow printed on it.

Seriously that is a new level of cunt in my book.

You have nothing to feel bad about at all - please don't apologise. He should not be making those kind of jokes at work. You would have grounds to complain to HR if you wanted imo.

If you dont want to hear offensive things, dont ask what the offensive thing was

So he felt uncomfortable because you didn't find his offensive rape joke funny but didn't feel uncomfortable wearing that t shirt..interesting

So he thinks laughing about rape is ok, but his little feelings are hurt because you don’t? What a disgusting prick he is. I’m sickened by how many men make light of rape, and rather disturbed by a few people here that seem to be excusing it.

Don’t you dare feel bad about this OP! You’ve done nothing wrong what so ever, hold your head up high and let him feel uncomfortable.

You never know, maybe he feels bad before he has realised that his comments can upset other people. In which case he might apologise. Not an appropriate to start or encourage in the workplace.

Appropriate conversation to start I mean.
I once pulled a disgusting colleague up for similar. He was the one looking and feeling stupid. Not me.

@smemorata same. I am not one to be 'triggered' but my heart was racing I was so angry when I walked out. I couldn't believe he a) had the T-shirt and thought it was ok and b)actually told us about it.

@PeriComoToes ha ha! I wish I could wear that t-shirt!

I was back in work today- he didn't mention anything but was very polite buying milk for the whole team and making tea. 😆

If it crops up, ask him if he's realised when he looks around, how many women in that room will have been raped?

He is an insensitive idiot. Who makes jokes about rape in front of a room full of women. What an absolute tosser.
Oh, and now we're supposed to feel sorry that his poor little fee fees were hurt that noone erupted into riotous laughter at his pathetic attempt at humour joking about rape and murder? He can fuck right off.