Offensive t shirt 'joke'

[suspended]

⚠️ Content warning- sexual violence

know I'm not aibu to be offended but should I feel guilty?

Today a colleague told us him and his brother try and get each other the most offensive T-shirt's for Christmas each year. He said the last one they got got him kicked out of a music festival by some 'annoyed feminists'. So I asked what it was. He said it was Michael winners face and writing 'calm down dear or this rape will turn into a murder!'

I obviously couldn't hide my horror at him finding this funny and as I was already stood
Up to leave I said 'and on that note, I am going. That's absolutely vile. Not funny' and left.

Had a text from another colleague saying they thought the guy 'felt really uncomfortable' but agreed with me that rape jokes are never funny.

Now I'm worried about going back in tomorrow and how I'll approach this man as he sits next to me. I even feel a little guilty as I think me walking out seemed harsh.

What do you guys think?

I'm used to coarse jokes normally but I just think it completely crossed the line.

He definitely won't go to Hr, how could he? He'd have to tell the full context of the joke which he won't.

It's more of the sitting in close quarters I'm worrying about. Oh well there's 4 women round our table who all heard of hat he said and one bloke who I'm sure would find what he said gross as well. So perhaps he feels more uncomfortable than me.

He probably feels uncomfortable because he is worried. He knows he messed up and said something wildly inappropriate at work, in front of lots of people, and is worried you’ll take it further. He must know making such an offensive, sexist comment would be taken seriously by an employer and so he’s shitting himself.

I really don’t think you need to worry about seeing him tomorrow or how he might be feeling - you don’t need to approach him but if he has any sense he will apologise for what he said and then try and keep his head down.

He crossed a line, big time. He sounds like a piece of shit tbh. No one could wear that t-shirt without knowing they'd be triggering and upsetting rape victims who saw it.

You weren't harsh.

If it'd been a t-shirt making a joke of lynchings, would you judge a black colleague for walking out? No, of course not.

You have nothing to feel guilty about OP! That sort of shit should be confronted. It’s not funny and the dickheads that snort and giggle like children about it should be embarrassed when they’re called on it.

I’d have asked him whether he had considered if I was rape victim before telling me that “hilarious” joke. (I am)

And he's definitely not going to go to HR and tell them that he made an appallingly offensive and upsetting joke about violence against women in the company of his female colleagues. Not if he has two brain cells to run together.

The only people who have a case to go to HR are the people who were subjected to the joke.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, but FFS don't escalate this any further. Your colleague didn't wear the shirt to work, and only told you what, specifically, was on it because you asked. You told him you found it unacceptable and walked off. that's job done.

Of course he could go to HR. OP said it was a contest to find the most offensive T-shirt - not the funniest. He could say he felt pressured by the OP when he didn’t actually feel it was appropriate to discuss what was actually written on the shirt in an office environment. But he felt bullied to have to tell the group. Laughter was nervous laughter and he expressed to rest of group how uncomfortable he was.

I don’t know why on Earth you’d say... go on. Tell me what was the most offensive T-shirt you found - and then agree that indeed, that was incredibly offensive. While you’re at work.

The OP also said that he found it funny, and was laughing. RTFT

Most people can tell the difference between laughter and nervous laughter.

And if the topic made him so uncomfortable, why did he bring it up?

OP "It's more of the sitting in close quarters I'm worrying about."

just be polite and professional.

If he mentions what happened, just say "no need to discuss it".

Someone I thought was an alright guy had a T-shirt on a couple of months back "dead woman can't say no"
I told him how out of order it was & will not be speaking to him again!!

Good on you for calling him out.

He could say he felt pressured by the OP when he didn’t actually feel it was appropriate to discuss what was actually written on the shirt in an office environment. But he felt bullied to have to tell the group. Laughter was nervous laughter and he expressed to rest of group how uncomfortable he was.

Unlikely

Today a colleague told us him and his brother try and get each other the most offensive T-shirt's for Christmas each year. He said the last one they got got him kicked out of a music festival by some 'annoyed feminists'.

He wanted OP to ask what it said. OP took the bait. If she’s hadn’t asked he’d probably have told her anyway. OP in future- don’t give people like him the audience they need.

People who wear t-shirts with rape jokes on aren’t uncomfortable relaying the joke to others. They want the attention.

I was dragged through several meetings because I said "that's dreadful" when a colleage made jokes about a customer in the full religious clothing and I didn't reply to his "nudge nudge, wink wink, arent I funny" behaviour. He complained about me. I was the one told off for making him feel uncomfortable and bullied.
I was 17, it was my first job, but it does happen. You get the judgment even though they're the asshole. If I had just taken my issue to my manager, then nothing would have come back on me.

I still would have said similar to this guy, but I'd have been expecting another manager to fail to stand up for me.

He's a wanker... this shows how ignorant some people still are. In fact, my DH came home last week from filming an episode of a tv show in Australia (he's not famous...just a jobbing actor) and he had been troubled by something the makeup artist and wardrobe manager had said to him.

The male wardrobe manager was fitting him for a costume and lifted the back of his shirt...perfectly fine...the WM said "Sorry if you don't mind I'll just get this out of the way"

I think he was measuring or something.

The makup artist (female) said "Oooh shirt lifting! I'll leave you two alone then!"

DH was and a bit because it was very unprofessional of her.

It's not at all acceptable as banter these days even among actors...to speak sexually like that.

DH was bothered by it but doesn;t feel able to say anything for fear of people thinking he's a special snowflake.

You have nothing to be concerned about OP.
You were leaving anyway and you remained calm and polite by the sounds of things. It is hardly as if yiu swore at him, kicked your desk over and stormed out of the room is it?
He made an remark about sexual violence that is completely inappropriate in a professional environment. Well, it is inappropriate anywhere to be honest.
He won't go to HR, not if he has two brain cells to rub together (though that does sound doubtful). But even if he does, what is he going to say? "I told everyone that I was thrown out of a festival for wearing a t shirt that made fun of rape and murder and then moaned about the women who complained about me. One of my colleagues said she wasn't amused and that my tshirt was vile." It isn't going to put him in the running for employee of the month is it? And yiu have a roomful of witnesses if he tries to twist anything.
This kind of so called banter might have been acceptable in the past but not now. Any employer who took his side over yours these days could find themselves in very hot water.
I would go in tomorrow and behave professionally and calmly. I wouldn't bring it up and make more of an issue of it unless he does anything else inappropriate - you made your feelings clear and hopefully he has learned a lesson. Don't be jolly, or extra friendly to try to compensate for his "discomfort " and definitely don't apologise. Keep conversation work based and calm. If he apologises I would probably accept but continue to keep interaction purely professional. Say that you accept his apology but not "its ok" or anything like that, because it most definitely isn't!
Well done for making your feelings known and keeping calm.

You did nothing wrong. He has crossed a line, it was massively offensive and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Well done op on making him feel uncomfortable

I would have done exactly the same as you did.
When you ask a supposed average run of the mill human being what they got you don't expect a response like that because it's not a normal thing to laugh about so those saying you shouldn't have asked are way off.

Let's hope it changes his thought process or maybe you could suggest this years is a T-shirt regarding make rape
What a prick

And that should say male rape not make rape sorry

Repugnant. Official complaint

Yes it's an awful 'joke' and clearly not funny but he DID tell you how bad the joke was and then if was you who asked him to repeat it.

He said it was offensive enough to get him kicked out of an event. What did you expect it to say?

Your reaction is also a bit unnecessary. If you wanted to tell him it was inappropriate and unfunny that's fine. But storming off?

Just go in and act completely normal. He'll probably apologise. Then just say "lets just let it go. It's a sensitive subject, but thank you for your apology."

It’s not a joke, it’s an offensive statement designed to belittle rape/ murder and the experiences of female victims
I agree that it’s not funny, but men get raped too, it’s far from an exclusively female issue.

Sounds like a bad Frankie Boyle joke...

@Aridane Nah, he got on the woke train ages ago. Probably realised it's better for his career.

I agree that it’s not funny, but men get raped too, it’s far from an exclusively female issue.

I know that, but the T-shirt said ‘calm down dear’ which in my opinion makes the joke very clearly about belittling women; Oh calm down you silly hysterical little woman, it’s only a rape so shut up or it could become a murder. It’s suggesting that women should know their place and be quiet and compliant even when they are being raped. It also suggests that if a woman does react whilst being raped and it escalated into further violence it’s her fault for making a fuss rather than just going along with it.

Whilst rape is not a solely female issue the T-shirt is very clearly sexist and making a joke about women being raped and how they should react.