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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a selfish reason for wanting children?

31 replies

Mightilyconfused · 18/12/2019 21:52

NC for this in case it’s outing.

I’m 30 (just turned) and have always said I was never really bothered about having children. I was a young career due to both my parents being unwell and so felt like I’d done my fair share of caring as a child.

Recently, however, something has changed and I feel totally unfulfilled. I have a good job that’s plodding along nicely. I love my DH and we plod along nicely. We have just bought our first home and done it up. Now I just feel lost and like I have no purpose. I do a lot for other people and charities just to feel like I have a purpose. I’ve realised that maybe what I’m missing is a little person that I can devote my time and love to.

However I can’t help but feel like that’s a selfish reason to want a child?

AIBU?
YANBU - that’s a reason to have children
YABU - that’s not a reason to have kids

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 18/12/2019 21:55

So you are asking if it's selfish to have a child because you want a child? Confused

Sorry but what exactly do you think the reasons other people choose to have children are?

gamerchick · 18/12/2019 21:55

Having children is selfish full stop. It's a biological urge in most animals. Have you had a conversation with your bloke?

Original poster
Mightilyconfused · 18/12/2019 21:56

I don’t know, I just feel like it’s cause I feel empty/bored.
My DH really wants kids so I know he wouldn’t take much convincing!

OP posts:
CherryPlum · 18/12/2019 21:58

I think it's a perfectly normal reason to want a child!

GreytExpectations · 18/12/2019 21:59

Empty and bored sounds like you may benefit from a hobby. Having a child will change your life drastically and isn't just something to fill your spare time...

Original poster
Mightilyconfused · 18/12/2019 22:01

I have several hobbies and like I said I also volunteer and do a lot for charities. Not sure if bored is the right word for it, just feel like I’m missing ‘something’

OP posts:
YahooGmail · 18/12/2019 22:01

That's pretty much the reason most people have children Smile

GreytExpectations · 18/12/2019 22:02

I think maybe you do want children. Have a think about it and talk to your partner

Pinkbonbon · 18/12/2019 22:06

I think a lot of ppl have kids for this reason. It doesn't mean it's an intelligent or unselfish thing to do.

If there is something missing in your life - better yourself. Take up a hobby, learn a language or change jobs for something more fulfilling. Or do some charity work. Or maybe adopt a pet if you need to dote on something.

Don't bring a currently non existent being (that you have never even had an interest in having before) into the world. Jeopardising your physical and mental health into the bargin.

If your life is good as is, don't feck it up on a whim.

Scotmummy1216 · 18/12/2019 22:06

I don't think it sounds selfish at all. Peoples decisions change all the time you may have originally wrote it off due to the difficult circumstances and now is maybe the right time. I would speak to your other half, good luck however it turns out x

YouJustDoYou · 18/12/2019 22:07

That's why I had them. I had hobbies I loved. Friends. Etc. Life was and Always would be a very empty thing without that gamble on genuine emotional fulfilment and feedback for me. I had had close lived ones die. I had endless decades of life ahead of me and for what? Personally I had volunteered and loved it but coming home to an empty house and staring at the cooker and thinking I just don't care. It was beyond difficult at first. I had severe pnd. It's takenalmost 7 years to get to where I am mentally but having children because life was empty rang true, and it's hard and can be monotonous and god knows what it'll be like in the future but I did it for selfish reasons and I'd do it again. I am nothing without them, I have no purpose, no job gives me this feeling and deep happiness. It's utterly priceless, having little voices tell me they love me so much, to hug them and not feel alone. I am selfish, but I don't regret it.

NutRoastNancy · 18/12/2019 22:09

You are literally descending why most people have children!

Breastfeedingworries · 18/12/2019 22:10

Doesn’t make you selfish. Flowers

I think I was before my dd but actually ha Jung her and getting up through the night, making sure she’s healthy safe fed and loved...never felt selfish since I had her. Put her first Smile x

Fanlights · 18/12/2019 22:11

That’s the reason a lot of people have children. I might not have had DS but I’d just finished a book project and was feeling antsy.

Tonii1985 · 18/12/2019 22:23

Honestly sounds like you want kids. I felt similar to how you describe and have never looked back.

Rombocious · 19/12/2019 03:35

If you both want kids great.

But people often feel strangely unfulfilled (especially around that age) when they seem to have everything they want. Don't make any rash decisions is my advice.

Dolorabelle · 19/12/2019 04:17

Pretty much any decision to have a child is selfish. It's a selfish decision - to have something to love who loves you. It's actually not a great reason, full stop. But most people don't really think about it, unless they want to adopt or find they are infertile. Then - well, then, they have to think up all sorts of reasons.

Skittlesandbeer · 19/12/2019 05:20

As long as you understand that you’re giving up all the things you DO like about your life (at least for a while) to satisfy a vague feeling of unease and dissatisfaction, then go for it.

It’s kinda like deciding to go and live on mars with a one-way ticket. There’s no way to gauge if it’s the right decision, you won’t know until you get there. And maybe not for a while after that.

Ohyesiam · 19/12/2019 05:29

You sound dynamic and capable, & this is a very over populated world. Unless you are actively going gooey over babies, could you take on a Community project? What does your area need, a homeless shelter, a youth project?

Mumdiva99 · 19/12/2019 05:32

That's your biological clock talking. It's a perfectly natural thing.

PapayaCoconut · 19/12/2019 05:40

Stop over-analysing the fact that you want children. It's normal - especially at the age of 30. Broodiness hit me like a train when I turned 30! 😅

Cluckyandconfused · 19/12/2019 05:50

Your own needs were sacrificed to some extent in order to care for your parents. During your twenties you did not want children because you needed to focus on yourself and make up for what you sacrificed. Now that you have a happy relationship, financial security and a nice home you have the emotional ‘reserve’ to consider committing to children.

You didn’t want children because you were trying to make up for your unmet needs as a child. Now you have focussed on yourself and made up for this, your opinion on the matter has changed.

onthisoccasion · 19/12/2019 05:54

OP, you have pretty much described my situation. Just turned 30, decent established job, happily married, bought first home and lovely social life. On paper quite content and had also been ambivalent about children. I was very wary about giving up my freedom. But I looked ahead to the future and just knew I didn't want another 40 odd years of the same apart from possibly a bit better career, house etc without children to share it with. I started to crave the way children would make our lives dynamic and varied as they grew up, if that makes sense - actually wanting to try out those different life stages. So here I am, late 30s with two DC (4 & 2). Our lives look pretty different now, I'm currently a SAHM, we moved to be near a nice primary school, I spend my days at toddler groups, the park etc and have made a whole new group of friends. It may have been a selfish urge, but it was, as others have said, a fairly typical driver for many people to become parents. But indeed, make sure you're happy to let go of some of your child free pleasures in the short term at least (we have less money, less sleep, not many nights out etc but I was happy to forgo the nights out for a while - sleep not so much!).

BabyEI · 19/12/2019 06:02

Feeling 'unfulfilled' isn't the reason to have a child. But not feeling fulfilled because you don't have a child is more likely a biological need.
Becoming a parent will change your life forever. There is no moving on to the next thing because you find being a parent boring. And remember this new human being is relying on you to be the very best you can be as a parent. If you cannot commit to this level of responsibility, think again. Don't treat having a child as something to be ticked off your bucket list.

Goatinthegarden · 19/12/2019 06:05

I’m in my early thirties and had the same urges in my 20s. I love kids, but I know how much they will impact our life....and I just don’t think I want to upset the apple cart.

For me, getting into teaching really filled that hole. The kids in my classroom fulfil that urge - I really bond with them, get to nurture them and watch them grow. Get to plan and do massively fun activities and outings with them, show them new experiences and watch their eyes light up. Do messy crafts, cook, teach them to read and write.

Then I send them back to their parents and go off to my beautifully clean and quiet home for a night of uninterrupted sleep!!

And for what it’s worth, so many parents tell me that the dream children I see in my class every day have HORRIFIC tantrums and meltdowns at home. I think teachers get to see the best side of most children each day, before they go home worn out.