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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I was BU, help me fix it?

48 replies

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 15:59

I just sent DP a text which has caused a massive fight and now I really regret it. For background, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and close to resigning. I'm very stressed and tired and DP's alarm (yet again!!) woke me up super early. He's done this before, he just turns it off and falls asleep. But I can't. So I was already annoyed and more tired than I should be. Barely functioning.

He's arranged to have a massive boys night out this weekend which involves a bunch of guys coming to our place at midday Saturday, going out, coming back at 3-4 am (going by history) and then all sleeping at our place. It's a tiny open plan 1-bed and I have nowhere to hide. It's the weekend before Christmas and everyone I know is going home/spending it with partners. I have nowhere to go (I'm a foreigner here, no relatives and only a handful of friends). So I was annoyed he's organized all this on a weekend where everyone else is with their families and I'm just there, in the flat, by myself all weekend, somehow trying to keep out of their way. So I told him this and that, while I don't expect him to cancel any plans, I'm upset by it. And that I feel he just plans and does what he wants and I'm only there for when his mates aren't available. I guess I'm annoyed he's had so many nights out lately, about 4 a week (some.work related, some not) from which he sometimes comes late and wakes me up. And I'm annoyed it slowly went from some drinks with friends, to friends crashing at ours, to friends coming at 2, dropping stuff, having drinks, going out and spending the night..My parents are coming for xmas and I wanted to get the flat ready, do some shopping, relax.

I know I was unreasonable, now he's cancelled on his friends because of my message (I clearly told him not to cancel anything, I was trying to prevent this from happening again!) and he's very angry with me. I guess I shouldn't have been annoyed just because I was feeling lonely. He's great in all other areas. I just need to grovel now, don't I?

OP posts:
Batqueen · 18/12/2019 16:03

I don’t think you were unreasonable. It sounds like you are struggling and need a bit of support from him rather than him bringing a party back to invade your personal space.

FoxysFolkFace · 18/12/2019 16:04

No not all! It's your home too, I wouldn't be happy if my DP decided to totally take over the house/apartment a few days before Christmas where there are still things to do like your parents coming.
He should have ran the whole plan by you BEFORE arranging this with his friends, that's not controlling it's courteous.
If you were abit mardy over text I would apologies for that (he might not have been aware how you felt & probably didn't know the alarm had kept you awake) but I think he should have apologised for making you feel like you couldn't be in you own home.
Hope you get it sorted and have a festive weekend

TopOftheNaughtyList · 18/12/2019 16:05

Give yourself a shake OP. YANBU he is! If you live in a small open plan 1 bed then it's not practical to have a whole bunch of mates sleeping over, especially not without checking that's ok with you first. He knows he's in the wrong, that's why he's getting angry. The waking you up early thing needs to stop too. It doesn't sound like he's a very considerate person. What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Hollachica · 18/12/2019 16:07

Nope you don't need to apologies. Crack on with your plans
If he sulks ignore him

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 16:11

Yeah you really weren't the unreasonable one there at all. Why can't they all go and crash at any of his friends places I wonder............? You should never have to feel uncomfortable and unwanted in your own home

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2019 16:11

He's arranged to have a massive boys night out this weekend which involves a bunch of guys coming to our place at midday Saturday, going out, coming back at 3-4 am (going by history) and then all sleeping at our place.

FFS. Are they all 16 years old? Your partner is an immature twat who has zero consideration for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2019 16:12

No - you do not need to apologise.
He knows you are stressed.
He knows you need to prep for your family's arrival.
He knows you need to shop.
He knows you are exhausted.
He knows you can't just shut yourself away and avoid the noise.
He knows it is the weekend before Christmas.

Why couldn't one of his other friends host the overnight!?
Then at least you have a bit of space and time to yourself.
Oh right!!! I suspect their OH's wouldn't allow it.

AloneLonelyLoner · 18/12/2019 16:13

You weren't unreasonable! It's your home!

No grovelling required. If he has to socialise all the time there is no rule saying he has to bring the guys back to yours to sleep all over the place. Good grief. Stand your ground.

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 16:13

The thing is - he did ask, sort of, but it was gradual, in a by the way, going out with mates. Then weeks later, do you mind if X stays over, then Y is staying too, then last night he's like oh yeah they're gonna drop their stuff round at 2 etc etc. I woke up this working and the whole plan clicked in my head and I got really annoyed.

He has so many friends and goes out loads, maybe I'm jealous I don't have the same? He's honestly lovely but the problem is he's the absolute opposite of my controlling abusive ex husband who would never let me go anywhere so I'm trying to not be that.

I don't know, things are so bad at work I can't think anymore. I just got a massive bonus and everyone tells me I should stick with it because it's more money my family has ever seen but I hate it so much and my boss is such a cunt I can't bear it. I'm all.over the place.

OP posts:
foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 16:13

we're the only ones of the friendship group that live in London

OP posts:
foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 16:15

I know I'm not totally in the wrong. But i didn't want him to cancel, just letting him.know I'm a bit upset and prevent this from.happening again.

I need to apologize and stand my ground at the same time

OP posts:
SeaViewBliss · 18/12/2019 16:16

Did he discuss it with you before making those arrangements?

Is your bedroom separate or is the whole place open plan?

I would be ok with them staying over if there is somewhere you can shut yourself away - its just one night.

However, if he didn't consult you and if this is a pattern of selfish behavior YANBU.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2019 16:16

Could you book into a hotel and have a stress free afternoon and evening?

KrampusTime · 18/12/2019 16:17

How long have you been together OP?

Do you co-own the flat? It sounds like he's not accustomed to having someone living with him.

mummykauli7 · 18/12/2019 16:17

Can they not all chip in and just get a hotel room? That way you can have the place to yourself, comfy pj's, a yummy takeaway and a movie!!

ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 16:18

So what did you want him to do, OP? Because you haven't said, and it might be helpful to read the thread today about hinting not being popular. Stopping him going out with his friends isn't going to change how you feel about being lonely, unfortunately - that's something only you can make a difference to.

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 16:19

It sounds like he's not accustomed to having someone living with him

I have been thinking this. We don't co-own, renting together since the summer

OP posts:
Batqueen · 18/12/2019 16:19

Having boundaries is not being controlling

My dp goes out a lot like yours but can be terrible around communicating and I am clear that I don’t mind what he does but if he says he will back early and that is going to change then I want a message telling me so I don’t worry.

Work is stressful for me at the moment too so I don’t mind him going out a lot but I’d be unimpressed if he brought people back to our home when I really need to chill out!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2019 16:21

I don't think YABU at all to be honest. So he's out with his mates 4 nights a week while you're stuck at home?

Sounds pretty miserable. But that's a different issue to the one you're talking about.

He sounds very inconsiderate. Can't they stay at a Premier Inn or something instead?

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 16:21

@ChristmasCroissant the original plan of drinks in the evening + friend crashing on the sofa was fine. As it is, it's taking over the place from midday Saturday

OP posts:
ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 16:23

Did you tell him that?

BeanTownNancy · 18/12/2019 16:25

Yeah, they need to get a hotel room. Your partner has massively overstepped.

badgermushrooms · 18/12/2019 16:25

YWBU to apologise. YANBU to feel the way you do about a piss up you're not invited to taking place in the 1 bed flat you live in. Could they not have all chipped in for an air bnb?

I actually came on here to say now is the time to start looking for other jobs. You've got your Xmas bonus in the bag. Now look after yourself and see what other options are out there. I did this earlier this year and I'm not regretting it yet - yes I have less money but on the other hand I have the time and mental energy to live my actual life and I'm not constantly on edge. I feel like I've come out of a fog of stress and misery and I honestly cannot recommend it highly enough. "Everyone" telling you to stick with it doesn't actually have to do it themselves so they don't get a say.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 18/12/2019 16:27

YABU to think this is normal. But YANBU to want to have your space and to not be taken advantage of by your partner.
Relationships are give and take, and it sounds like he's doing the taking while you're doing the giving.

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 16:32

@ChristmasCroissant no but I just texted him to say that, thanks! I know my reaction this morning was a bit over the top and I also know I wasn't totally unreasonable, just needed someone to talk some sense into me

OP posts: