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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I was BU, help me fix it?

48 replies

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 15:59

I just sent DP a text which has caused a massive fight and now I really regret it. For background, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and close to resigning. I'm very stressed and tired and DP's alarm (yet again!!) woke me up super early. He's done this before, he just turns it off and falls asleep. But I can't. So I was already annoyed and more tired than I should be. Barely functioning.

He's arranged to have a massive boys night out this weekend which involves a bunch of guys coming to our place at midday Saturday, going out, coming back at 3-4 am (going by history) and then all sleeping at our place. It's a tiny open plan 1-bed and I have nowhere to hide. It's the weekend before Christmas and everyone I know is going home/spending it with partners. I have nowhere to go (I'm a foreigner here, no relatives and only a handful of friends). So I was annoyed he's organized all this on a weekend where everyone else is with their families and I'm just there, in the flat, by myself all weekend, somehow trying to keep out of their way. So I told him this and that, while I don't expect him to cancel any plans, I'm upset by it. And that I feel he just plans and does what he wants and I'm only there for when his mates aren't available. I guess I'm annoyed he's had so many nights out lately, about 4 a week (some.work related, some not) from which he sometimes comes late and wakes me up. And I'm annoyed it slowly went from some drinks with friends, to friends crashing at ours, to friends coming at 2, dropping stuff, having drinks, going out and spending the night..My parents are coming for xmas and I wanted to get the flat ready, do some shopping, relax.

I know I was unreasonable, now he's cancelled on his friends because of my message (I clearly told him not to cancel anything, I was trying to prevent this from happening again!) and he's very angry with me. I guess I shouldn't have been annoyed just because I was feeling lonely. He's great in all other areas. I just need to grovel now, don't I?

OP posts:

ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 16:34

I hope it all gets sorted out OP and the stress eases at work. Are you off over Christmas when your parents are over?

Radardodgingninga · 18/12/2019 16:37

Don’t apologise. Thank him, tell him how grateful you are that he gave up something that meant so much to him. Acknowledge that you realise this was a sacrifice for him. Start making plans for a weekend next year when you can be elsewhere and he can arrange the lads weekend he wants without having to worry about you.

Marriage is based on compromise. He made a massive compromise by respecting your wishes here. Now it is your turn to help him plan an equally good weekend at a better time.

DarlingNikita · 18/12/2019 16:37

You don't need to apologise at all. It's not on to arrange something and then let it 'creep' like that. He should also be able to realise that a load of people spending a lot of time in your small flat is potentially something that you would find stressful.

ahagwearsapointySantahat · 18/12/2019 16:54

Immediate thoughts:

If it's not too late for him to un-cancel, why not book into a nice hotel overnight and take some time to really relax? (you can use some of your bonus, maybe even go somewhere with a spa?). On condition of course that he cleans up any mess made and helps you prep the flat for Christmas afterwards! Or if too late to un-cancel, as above, thank him and plan something nice to do together?

Bear in mind maybe that even if he's not controlling like your ex, being out more nights than not and not taking you into account is still not exactly partnership and co-operation; so don't end up being taken for a total mug with that...

It sounds like you are doing really well at work and getting recognition (big bonuses etc). So if you really hate it, this would be an ideal time to quietly start polishing up your CV and LinkedIn profile, making contacts and keeping an eye out for opportunities. If you can do that well in a job you hate, I'm sure other places would be very glad to have you!

MissSueDenim · 18/12/2019 16:54

Are your parents staying with you?

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2019 16:58

He's being quite selfish
You're not the unreasonable one here

DrManhattan · 18/12/2019 17:05

He is taking the pi$$

BrendasUmbrella · 18/12/2019 17:29

the problem is he's the absolute opposite of my controlling abusive ex husband who would never let me go anywhere so I'm trying to not be that

But you weren't that, your ex was...

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want a group of drunk men crashing out in your flat right before Christmas.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/12/2019 17:31

Be careful that you don't put him up on a pedestal just because you think he's the opposite to your ex. There are many ways to be a wanker...

He cancelled. Let that be the end to it.

kateandme · 18/12/2019 18:36

sounds like you both need a really good talk.you need to explain how you might be over acting to stuff going on and why,work etc.but also how can i appreciate how this creeping event this weekend then made you feel.but let eacohter speak.and really be honest.your both carrying things o your shoulders and then when the mother does anything at all it all spills onto that no matter how big or small it may be.
make crhsitmas special.
maybe you could find something to do together like a date night.
explain how you feeling lonely.and whilst this isnt his fault you would love to go out too.
could you use some of your bonus for a weekend away.or even a spa night.then he could do what he wants with his mates?

Original poster

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 21:30

He's still not home, he's meeting someone for drinks tonight too, been going since 4.30, no texts to let me know when he's home. He refuses to let me know when he's planning on coming or if he's ever late. Another thing I'm annoyed about but he said I'm not his mother so he shouldn't have to tell me so I let this one go a long time ago

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 18/12/2019 21:33

He doesn't want a proper relationship really. Are you living together because it's cheaper than living apart? What he wants is a casual girlfriend who pays half the rent whereas you are expecting to have a partner.

Original poster

foodandwine89 · 18/12/2019 21:35

How do I argue it’s nice to know when he’s planning on coming home or if he’s super late??? I can’t articulate it, it just helps me plan my night but he says I should do whatever I want and it makes sense but it’s just nice to know? I’m not allowed to ask unless he’s not home by morning apparently

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 18/12/2019 21:40

He refuses to let me know when he's planning on coming or if he's ever late. Another thing I'm annoyed about but he said I'm not his mother so he shouldn't have to tell me so I let this one go a long time ago

Major red flag for me. That’s like a control thing. Why does he refuse? Weird.

shiningstar2 · 18/12/2019 21:44

He says you're not his mother op but he sure isn't treating you like and equal partner. He's treating you a bit like adults still living with parents behave. Can go out when I like, come in when I like. But mature adults living with parents are usually prepared to say in passing what their plans are. As his partner it's reasonable to expect far more than that. He's being a man child and doesn't seem very invested in the relationship.p

He seems to want to have his cake and eat it ...have someone to come home to but not have to put any effort into the relationship. It seems to me a bit passive aggressive to cancel at the weekend but not bother telling you his plans tonight. Giving with one hand and taking away with the other.

The Christmas period can be full of tension, especially if you want to prepare for your parents coming and obviously hoping for a good atmosphere over Christmas. Not helped if you tensions at work. There seems a need for a calm discussion at an appropriate time ...not after just home from drinking. Then hopefully you can find a way forward ...with or without him. Good luck op.

Isbutteracarb · 18/12/2019 21:48

He sounds selfish OP, you were not being unreasonable at all.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 18/12/2019 21:55

He sounds immature. Maybe go back to just dating rather than living together.

Sorry about your job. Can we help with that too?

CilantroChili · 18/12/2019 22:09

Book into a nice hotel

Big bonus... do it

Discussion required

CodenameVillanelle · 18/12/2019 22:14

You can't make him want to behave like a partner.

kateandme · 18/12/2019 22:19

any way you could go out tomorrow.leave at 1pm.you then 'dont need' to tell him when you will be back.see how it feels.then the next day do the same.and again.is the only way he will gt a clue is to be shown like a chil how it feels to be on the other end of it...
to communicate wha tyour up to with a partner is only a chore if your not communicating then it seems like one person is nagging or controling or checking up.but just talking back and forth over whats going on keeps it easy

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 18/12/2019 22:22

Yabu to think you need to grovel. This is your home.

Eslteacher06 · 18/12/2019 22:24

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. You're not being unreasonable.

Wallywobbles · 18/12/2019 23:00

I'm afraid I think you need to do the freedom program. Think of it as part of healing from your ex. It was such an eye opener for me in terms of my boundaries.

I did it online ad I live in France.

I don't think your current relationship really sounds like a keeper. It seems more like a Mr Right Now either than a Mr Right.

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