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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to not go?

47 replies

outherealone · 18/12/2019 11:32

I’m a witness in an upcoming court case. I’m very traumatised by the event to the point where I’m having therapy, on medication and having to change my job (indirectly work related trauma)
I was called as a witness late and because I wasn’t included on the original witness list I thought I wouldn’t have to go . Now I do and apparently am an important part of the trial.
My mental health has suffered massively because of this and my whole life is affected. I am not the actual victim.
My gp has offered to sign me off so I don’t have to attend and just provide statement instead. Police have advised that if I don’t attend I could be summonsed. I have this hanging over me for a few weeks and ptsd means every time I think about it or talk about it I cry. Not conducive to job interviews!
I feel that my attendance could have an impact on sentencing. And that I should attend. It might not be as bad as I’ve played it out in my mind...
My aibu is would I be unreasonable to get a doctor letter?

OP posts:
TheReluctantCountess · 18/12/2019 11:36

If you do go to court, is there a chance it could offer you some closure on it? I hope things get better with time x

MineralSpinner · 18/12/2019 11:37

I feel that my attendance could have an impact on sentencing.

I think you need to seriously think about this ^

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 18/12/2019 11:37

Honestly; if it’s having this big an effect on you as a witness I dread to think what the victim is suffering with.
You say your statement could affect the sentence so I would just take some time to think of how you would feel if you didn’t attend and the sentence wasn’t a ‘just’ one.

It’s really difficult and you sound utterly torn by it. Of course your mental health is massively important but I would worry that not attending might make things worse for you and perhaps that going, as hard as it might be, would help offer you some closure.

Good luck whatever you decide and take care of yourself Flowers

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/12/2019 11:47

I would go to court if you can manage it (I'm not voting though as I don't think YABU it sounds difficult).

Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 12:20

Thank you everyone. You have all just confirmed what I think. I have to see it through both for the sake of the victim and for the safety of the public but also for closure for myself. iabu!

OP posts:
Palavah · 18/12/2019 12:21

Given the situation could you honestly love with yourself if you didn't go? It sounds as though it's really affected you and it might be hard to achieve closure if you don't get the satisfaction of telling the truth and making sure this person is sentenced appropriately.

I really feel for you, it's good that you are getting help. Very best of luck with the job search.

PersephoneandHades · 18/12/2019 12:25

Look into special measures, you can have your face hidden when giving evidence if this will help? You can bring a friend to support you before and after you give evidence also.

As you have said it may affect the sentencing, I would really really try to make it in, think about the victim.

But your feelings are completely valid and understandable.

Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 12:28

@palavah
No I think I’d feel very guilty and cowardly. I just need to get on with it. It’s been dragging on a long time and like people have said, I’m not the victim. I can’t give anything away but I nearly was the victim which is why it’s freaked me and part of me wishes I’d been able to stop the incident happening so I already have something like survivor guilt and feel I must do my best to make up for that now. It has just got me into a real panic state!

OP posts:
Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 12:29

@PersephoneandHades thank you. I am having special measures so that’s good Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 12:30

Oh and you lot are really kind. It helps. Thank you ☺️

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 18/12/2019 12:33

So the courts offer any assistance? Can you ring up and explain and maybe they could show you round and talk you through it? You are probably building this up in your mind more than necessary.

Damntheman · 18/12/2019 14:03

I'm sorry OP, I voted YABU but recognise this must be so difficult for you. I hope court brings you closure. Wishing you all the best

Loopylou6 · 18/12/2019 14:14

I'm not entirely sure you'll be allowed NOT to give evidence now OP, I'm presuming you've already provided a signed statement?
You can request to give evidence via a video link, or you can opt for a screen which means nobody can see you apart from judge/jury/barristers.
It's not a nice experience, but you'll get through it, obviously, I don't know any details, but it sounds like you could be saving future people from bad things, use that as your incentive.
Flowers

Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 19:44

Thank you yes it was a nasty crime. I’m going to be behind a screen m but apparently the video link holds less weight than being seen in person, people like to study body language etc.
I can refuse with medical letter but I can be summonsed which over rides dr letter. I think I just have to do it for all the right reasons whether I like it or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 19:45

@TheReluctantCountess yes I think it would be closure definitely

OP posts:
GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 18/12/2019 19:47

The anticipation is always worse than the impact. Just imagine the huge sense of relief you’ll feel once it’s over.

Si1ver · 18/12/2019 19:47

I think you're so brave to go and to be considering the victim when you're as scared as you are.

Rezaminelli · 18/12/2019 19:51

You mentioned you wished you could have stopped it from happening... You obviously couldn't. But you can help nail this person to the wall.
Take any therapy you can get. Keep going to see your GP.
You're doing a really good thing.

I'm sorry you witnessed something which must have been terrible. With your help you can hope for justice Flowers

Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 21:01

Thank you. It’s because a huge thing in my head, the impact has been far reaching and I have anxiety anyway and this has latched on to my anxiety. I also hate public speaking with a passion, this is an extra freak out on top of everything else. I know I’m going to go through with it tho.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/12/2019 21:10

This must be really difficult for you, and you should acknowledge that to yourself, but as everyone else has said, you would probably find it more difficult to come to terms with if you didn't go and that impacted upon either the verdict or the sentence.
Contact the court in advance and let them know how you are struggling with this. They will have come across it before and may have measures in place to help you.

Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 22:13

Yeah I think I’d feel a coward if I don’t go. I feel like I’m completely over reacting. I actually feel quite broken. I have been emoting in inappropriate situations and really struggling to perform normally. Had a couple of really important meetings in the last couple of weeks and really ballsed them up by crying in them when it came to a very tricky part of the conversation (related to the court issue).
I’m not very well equipped to deal with life atm and trying so hard to stay on top of things. I have a full day of meetings tomorrow and then thank god im free until new year! I wish I could go into more detail here but obvs I can’t. People irl are either sick of hearing about it or just dont know how to respond, or don’t understand how this has triggered the ptsd so much when I am actually safe.
I think anxiety is making me ruminate on everything too much. Probably no coincidence that my menstrual peri menopausal cycle is all over the place!
Im seeing someone for support but our sessions have paused for the festive season. I feel like I want someone else to live my life for me for a while.

OP posts:
gypsywater · 18/12/2019 22:17

There are some things in life that we just have to do. This is one of them. Good luck and you will get through it.

Original poster
outherealone · 18/12/2019 22:21

Thanks @gypsywater
I know. I’ve got through many things before! I have to keep reminding myself it’s for the right reasons and the victim deserves justice. And the public need the offender away for as long as possible . And I am sure that closure will help me to be more rational in future. Just a shame it’s making me fuck up so much now!

OP posts:
ChristmasVag · 18/12/2019 22:32

This sounds so awful for you. When does the trial start? Do you have time for therapy running up to it purely to deal with the case or would it help if you could visit the court in advance. Do they even allow that!

Howlovely · 18/12/2019 22:42

Oh my word, this sounds like an awful lot for anyone to cope with, let alone someone who already has anxiety. Please don't feel you are over reacting. Your body is physically reacting to something dreadful that happened to you and it needs time to heal. That can't be rushed or forced.
Just imagine how great it will feel to know that you helped to stop further crimes being committed by this maniac when you appear in court. I've never been but I imagine it's not the most pleasant of things to do but you definitely can do it. I bet when it's done you'll think, well that wasn't so bad.
Wishing you lots of luck and best wishes going forwards.