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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to Understand Men In Relationships. Blimey!

38 replies

Hotchocandotherdrinks · 18/12/2019 10:43

AIBU to say that it makes no difference if he's married or not...
Feeling so naive and stupid!
I'm single and met him through work. We get on very well from the beginning.
He is very charming.
I started enjoying his company until... a couple of weeks later he said "I'm single, I never married her and never will".
He made clear she is important as the mother of his children but otherwise he wouldn't be with her.
AIBU to say that it makes no bloody difference if he's married or not? Single or not he is in a committed relationship.

I feel an idiot because I fancy him and he keeps flirting me. He opened up and talk to me about almost everything and we keep this as a nice friendship. Friendship make us feel good but I don't want to end up with an emotional affair.
What to do? I don't want to be rude and all of a sudden cut off communication with him but OH men!

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 18/12/2019 10:46

What’s to understand? Like many scumbags, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Bin him off and find someone who is actually available.

cosima1 · 18/12/2019 10:48

Do you even need to be asking this OP?

koshkat · 18/12/2019 10:48

He is a dick OP. What else is there to say really?

thepeopleversuswork · 18/12/2019 10:48

Fuck worrying about being rude. He's a cheating scumbag and has led you up the garden path. You need to put yourself first and cut yourself off from him, there's no half measures. He deserves no courtesy or consideration from you whatsoever. Be as rude as you need to.

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 10:49

Ew! Cut him off! What a wanker!

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 18/12/2019 10:50

I’m confused. Is he actually single or in a relationship just not married?

Original poster
Hotchocandotherdrinks · 18/12/2019 11:17

Well, I know I shouldn't say this but all started innocently. I'm not defending his attitude but he didn't go any further than flirting and yes, long conversations.
My fault was to be a good listener I guess.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 18/12/2019 11:21

Well stop listening to him wittering on then, i presume about personal stuff

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 11:22

Well he's not a representative of men in relationships, just of scumbags in relationships. I don't know how you could still fancy a prick like that ugh

formerbabe · 18/12/2019 11:24

He doesn't want friendship. He wants to shag around behind his partners back...friendship is the mode of travel to get there. You're flattered by the attention and are probably secretly hoping he will actually fall in love with you.

Now, my motto..plenty of men out there, move on.

Sicario · 18/12/2019 11:25

Wanker alert.

Ginkypig · 18/12/2019 11:26

Oh ffs, your fault for being a good listener! Get yourself some fucking dignity and some fire in your belly op! You deserve better!

he knew he was in a relationship, he knew he had children. He ran down his partner (who is probably thinking she is in a lovely committed relationship!) to you to make her look insignificant to lower your boundaries so you would sleep with him, then after he would go home and be a loving partner to her, hi love missed you today etc

He is not a nice man! It is as simple as that.

partyhatsoff · 18/12/2019 11:27

He’s either single or he’s not. So if he’s with this woman then I’d ditch him. If they’re living separate that’s different.

CrazyOldBagLady · 18/12/2019 11:29

Don't worry about being rude. He is trying to line you up nicely as his bit on the side. There is no friendship to be had here that doesn't involve touching his nob. Back the fuck away and tell him you aren't interested.

CakeandCustard28 · 18/12/2019 11:32

Stay away. He’s in a committed relationship and he’s a wanker. Don’t be that woman.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 18/12/2019 11:33

Oh come on. My fault was to be a good listener I guess. Your fault was hanging on a cheater's every word. You know that cheaters are good with the ladies, right? Proper charmers. Loads of practice you see.

Mind you, I bet his interest in you was like "Well, that's enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?"

Lweji · 18/12/2019 11:39

It's not a friendship. You fancy him and he's looking into an opening from you.

Move on.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 11:47

There is no friendship to be had here that doesn't involve touching his nob.

Grin
Mother87 · 18/12/2019 11:48

LTB

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 18/12/2019 11:52

He made clear she is important as the mother of his children but otherwise he wouldn't be with her.

Did you actually fall for "my wife doesn't understand me", "we haven't had sex in years", "I only stay for the children".

On the cheater bingo card I think you are only missing "she has mental health problems so I have to stay",

Maybe "I do everything round the house and for the children, she does nothing." is also missing.

Ohyesiam · 18/12/2019 11:52

Very little to understand. He wants to have his cake and eat it.
He can be honest with his non-wife if he wants to, and stop fucking her about. He chooses not to.
Your not being rude cutting him off, no more rude than He’s been in trying to draw you in to an affair. He knows what he’s doing, it wrong be a shock.
Stop contact now before you find yourself unable to.
There are plenty of free men who you will have chemistry with and can communicate with.

Rachelle1980 · 18/12/2019 11:59

I'm struggling to understand this op.

A guy who has children and is in a relationship with someone has been flirting with you yet your immediate reaction isn't "what a scrumbag, I'm running for the hills". Hmm

You even warp it to being your fault.

I seriously, seriously suggest you review your reaction here and consider what made you think this line of thought process.

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 12:26

he said "I'm single, I never married her and never will. He made clear she is important as the mother of his children but otherwise he wouldn't be with her.

And you call him charming!?? Confused I think you misunderstand the word.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/12/2019 12:45

You're already in an emotional affair and being lined up for a physical one. He's also signalling to you that he is not available and has no intention of leaving the mother of his kid.

He's a scumbag and you can't possibly emerge from this with your dignity, morals or happiness intact. There's literally nothing else to consider and you don't owe him the consideration of worrying about his feelings. Walk away and don't give him any further thought. And don't leave the door open with discussions of "friendship".

Ellisandra · 18/12/2019 12:48

When I choose my friends, I choose people that I like and respect.

I would not like or respect a man who cane on to me when he was in a relationship.

So there’d be no friendship. No dilemma.

What do you look for in your friends?