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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to not pick them up?

40 replies

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:10

This happened last week but I am really not sure whether I was BU. I don't want to make it too long but also don't want to miss things out so bear with me.

My son is on a sport team last week they had their last game of the season, I am the manager and a friend (A) is the coach. Most weeks I drive and pick up the coach and his son so we can all go together. I have another friend (B) who's son is also on the team, she works on the nights of the game so every week she either drops her son to my house or to the coaches house and we give him a ride too. We live at least 30 minutes from the venue depending on traffic

Last week we had an earlier game than usual, which meant we would need to drive during rush hour, this is relevant as I was intending to take the back roads and not go through town. Initially my friend (B) said she would drop her son to my house at 5pm but later texted and said he was already at the coaches house so would get a ride with them. I said I was driving them so would also be driving her son. I text the coach (A) to say I will pick you up at 5:30, (to get to a 6:15 game) he says son isn't there right now he's out with B's son but he's sure it will be fine.

I show up at 5:35 and the boys aren't there, he calls his son and he says he is on a street which is in the centre of town, by the time the conversation is over it is 5:40 - so this give us 35 minutes to get there.

We tell them they've missed the ride and they need to catch the train as I don't want to drive into town potentially getting into traffic and making us all late and the coach wants to teach his son a lesson in being more responsible. They catch the train call me to pick them up from the station, which I do, but they've run from the station, are tired, and play really badly and we lose...

The story doesn't end here, on the weekend my friend B says she is disgusted that the coach has done that to the boys, they had apparently been on a bus nearly home (this is not what they told us) and they had to run to the train and then from the train and it was unacceptable, what kind of lesson was this etc. I said well actually I was driving so I was also responsible for leaving them to catch the train and they won't do it again will they!! We had a bit of an argument and she said - well next year I guess I'll just have to take him myself. I said well it being on next year depends on A coaching and me managing and it might not even happen, taking your own child to the game is the minimum effort to make!

So we argued but have made up but I am wondering now if IWBU to not pick them up, driving into town would have potentially made us late if the traffic was bad but not if it wasn't, also I think my judgment was clouded as we've managed and coached this team for four years and B's son is new this year and has basically wendied my son and my son has not enjoyed the team at all this year.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 18/12/2019 07:22

YANBU. The boys would have made the coach and the manager late, not just another player.

How old are the boys?

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:26

They are 14 and 15 - and yes I said we would have (could have) been late and she basically said but you're not playing are you - although we did have one player in the car - my son - plus the coach. rude!

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DeathStare · 18/12/2019 07:27

I'm assuming they are teenagers? If so you are being perfectly reasonable. In fact I don't really see what the issue is. I'm assuming they got public transport into town in the first place so it's not like this was something new and scary for them.

If you are going to come back and say they are 7 then the whole situation is unreasonable!

DeathStare · 18/12/2019 07:30

yes I said we would have (could have) been late and she basically said but you're not playing are you

Also she is being very rude to people (you and the coach) who are doing her a favour. If she doesn't like the way you did it then the polite response is to say nothing but to find a way to take her own son from now on. Suggesting that you, your DS and the coach should all be late because her son wasn't where he should be on time is incredibly rude.

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:30

haha not 7, they aren't used to catching the train as where we live is only serviced by buses but it's not rocket science. B was saying how they are just young boys and it was too harsh.

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happycamper11 · 18/12/2019 07:32

YANBU, she is. But what does 'wendied' mean?

DeathStare · 18/12/2019 07:33

B was saying how they are just young boys and it was too harsh

This is ridiculous. I do this to my 15 year old all the time. If she needs a lift somewhere she has to be where I say at the time, I say otherwise she has to use public transport to meet me where it is convenient for me. I do it with my 13 year old too (though she tends to turn up as agreed).

One of them is 15 - he could legally be married and working within a year. Expecting him to get on a train is hardly a big deal

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:35

I was quite shocked at how rude she was, I told her that the coach has been struggling with his son's behaviour recently and he is totally ungrateful about the time and effort which he puts into coaching the team. She basically said well he (the coach) wouldn't do it if he wasn't getting something out of it.

She did not say thank you to either of us for 10 weeks of coaching, organising and rides for her son because of this.

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Quartz2208 · 18/12/2019 07:35

Why on earth were they out at that time knowing they had a match

And so they ran for a train I’m not especially fit but that would not tire me out and make me not be able to do stuff later.

GrannyBags · 18/12/2019 07:36

I would have partly blamed the coach for letting them out when they needed to be home. Boys of that age are notoriously unreliable

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:36

wendied is when someone comes into your friendship group, invited by you and then turns your friends against you and becomes more their friend now if that makes sense, it was from a thread years ago.

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Quartz2208 · 18/12/2019 07:38

I think you may have an attitude issue with both boys op. That’s why they were out before the game and played badly not because they ran for a train

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:38

So the coach had not told his son what time the game was as he hadn't bothered to check himself and only knew once I texted at 4:30 to say I'd get him in an hour. the boys all have the game times on their phones so should have known I guess but he was not told what time to be home by his Dad. However, B did tell her son it was an early game so I'm not sure why he didn't know.

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Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 07:41

Probably shouldn’t have gone out in the first place actually, knowing you were coming to pick them up. I assuming the coach said it was ok for them to go out. So he’s a bit to blame also.
14/15 year old boys who want to play sport need to meet the parents / coaches half way and realise that it’s for their benefit to be where the lift is.

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:44

Yes, coach did not tell son what time the game was as assumed his son would check himself.

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Brandaris · 18/12/2019 07:46

Well she’s blown any chance of future lifts hasn’t she!

I used to end up in a similar situation but with adults. I would give a lift to one or two friends on route to a sports club, but then they started inviting people I didn’t know to also have a lift from me and telling me I had to do long detours through the town to go pick them up which made us late.
Not a sniff of petrol money or thanks for the effort so they suddenly all found themselves short of a lift!

Don’t let it get to you, just don’t offer any more lifts!

MrMeSeeks · 18/12/2019 07:46

Yanbu, she sounds ungrateful! Her child would not get another lift again

DeathStare · 18/12/2019 07:48

She basically said well he (the coach) wouldn't do it if he wasn't getting something out of it

I'd be having a more formal word with her in the role of team manager rather than friend. My kids are on a number of sports teams and there is an unwritten rule at all of them that if the parents wish to bad-mouth the (volunteer) coaches then they are invited to take their child to a different team where they are happy with the coaching.

Also if he son actually is excluding another child (no matter whose child it is) then I think either you or the coach needs to talk to the team in general, and him individually, about this.

Loveislandaddict · 18/12/2019 07:48

The boys broke the arrangement by being in town, not you. Actually, in many ways, the coach was at fault by not informing son of earlier match.

The mum of friend was rude. You are not a taxi service. You are doing her a favour by giving her son a lift, so enabling him to participate.

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:49

It will be interesting to see if she dares to ask again :)

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QforCucumber · 18/12/2019 07:50

Did you tell her theyd told you they were in town and not near home? YANBU but I can see where she would be annoyed if she thought they had to go back on themselves

Minionbums · 18/12/2019 07:54

I’d definitely say something like ‘from the way you are speaking to me it seems like you do not want me to give your son any more lifts, which I have done for the last xx weeks without any thanks or petrol money. That is fine - please make other arrangements starting from xx’.

It will mean you probably won’t take the coach either, as he will be taking B’s son, but that might be a blessing if he’s having trouble with his own son.

Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 07:55

Yes I told her that they had said they were on a street that is in the middle of town - and she just excused it as well teenage boys and poor communication and we should have gotten more specific information out of them - or something along those lines

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Pettyargument · 18/12/2019 08:00

It turned out that they were probably on the street that he said they were on but they were on a bus on that street and then by the time they got off the bus to get to the train station they had gone further away from the station. However, they did not tell us this at the time.

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francienolan · 18/12/2019 08:00

How rude of her to not thank you. That's not on.

The boys are old enough to learn to be on time, and to be honest losing a game is a small price to pay for a lesson that will serve them well in the future.