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AIBU?

to expect him to have money for christmas?

32 replies

Snowmonster · 18/12/2019 04:20

AIBU to expect OH to have money for christmas?

I save a weekly amount for Christmas from the January, i work part time and this is the best way for me to fund Christmas. OH on the other hand always says a week before christmas "I haven't got a lot to spend on christmas" so I end up heavily subsidising him and basically paying for most of christmas.

I have bought our son's presents weeks ago with OH being left to buy him a bicycle, he still hasn't organised this and I know he will say this weekend he doesn't have the money.

AIBU expecting him to save even just a £10 a week for christmas so he can make a decent contribution towards the whole of christmas. Christmas is the same time every year and it really hacks me off that he never has the poxy money and its left for me to finance.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

231 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
7%
You are NOT being unreasonable
93%
NearlyGranny · 18/12/2019 04:25

Does he work full-time? Does he pay all the bills? If you are kicking in your fair proportion based in earnings and you can save, so could he. Don't subsidise him any longer. Your DS will have presents from you and that will be enough.

In the past, have presents come labelled 'from Mum & Dad' when really they're just from you? Time for that to stop.

Where does his money go? Would he be happier - and richer - if you managed it for him? You do seem the better manager!

Snowmonster · 18/12/2019 04:34

@NearlyGranny
He pays about 60% of the bills, he works full time, I work part time.
Strangely enough I have always put Mum and Dad but this year I am going to put Mum on the presents. We stopped buying each other presents last year as I always ended up with a last minute petrol station purchase!

OP posts:
Creepster · 18/12/2019 04:57

Some people just don't care about gift giving. You can't make them care, but if you know how they are you can work around them, just as you are doing.

converseandjeans · 18/12/2019 05:02

YABU to expect him to prioritize Christmas if he's not that into it. A bike is a big present. We couldn't afford a new bike plus other gifts. So you decided he needs to buy the bike?

rebecca102 · 18/12/2019 05:06

I mostly agree, it would peeve me off too but please don't put only from mum on the presents, that's not a good way to go about it. How old are your children?

Snowmonster · 18/12/2019 05:08

@converseandjeans @Creepster
OH decided he would buy the bike, weeks ago but hasn't done it.
That is right, some people don't prioritise Christmas or gift giving, I don't think his Christmases as a kid were up to much.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 18/12/2019 05:19

Is this just about Christmas, or is there more to it?

If he pays about 60% of the bills and he works full time, while you work part time, unless your job has a better hourly rate, it's likely that he still has more spending money than you, just that he spends it on himself, not the family. Who pays for activities and days out, clothes for DC, top up shops, things like that?

The fairest way is for all income - so both wages, CB etc to go in one pot, and all joint costs like bills, food and travel, DC costs and savings for annual and irregular joint costs like Christmas, insurances, holidays, appliance replacement, car costs etc etc to be paid from that account, and then you and he split the leftover 50/50 as personal spending money to cover your own discretionary spending. So you'll always have joint money for Christmas that's been fairly contributed, and the same amount of money to spend on yourselves.

The Moneysavingexpert money makeover is always a good place to start when reviewing your budget - you could look at it together and frame it as 'if we look at our budget now, it means that we'll have money saved next Christmas'.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 18/12/2019 05:21

Are you married? If so then surely it's all one pot?
Put both names on the presents fgs.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 18/12/2019 05:44

Well obviously it's not all in one pot

BillHadersNewWife · 18/12/2019 05:47

I always buy our kid's gifts but I do this by DH taking on all the bills for about 2 months prior....then I'm able to choose and buy the things. He'd show little interest in it though he usually likes to have one shopping trip and get them something he's chosen. If I didn't do it, they'd have about 2 gifts each!

Bigearringsbigsmile · 18/12/2019 05:51

But it should be treated as one.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/12/2019 06:02

This 'it should all be treated as one' is bollocks.

Then when one partner leaves the relationship everyone says "oh get your ducks in a row, sneak money away bit by bit etc etc" whereas if you have your own money you have a clean break.

DP and I have split the bills so we have the same amount of spare money at the end of each month. We don't need to pool funds. Then, if anything was ever to happen, we could separate quite easily.


OP it's obviously too late for this year but just open a separate savings account for next year and you can both create a £10 a week standing order directly into the savings account. That way you have £1000 for Xmas and you don't have to worry.

blackcat86 · 18/12/2019 06:03

If you're expecting him to save £10 a week that's a lot towards xmas and it could probably be half. I would be annoyed that he has promised a large gift for DC only to not budget for it, not organise it and not do anything until the last minute. It's the sort of thing that he could have got a black friday on or something. Is he being purposefully usefulness knowing you'll have to step in?

itispersonal · 18/12/2019 06:20

This year is too late. But next year why not ask him to give you x amount a week for Christmas and you save the money as one.

I'm the same as you work part time and put £50pm in an account for birthday and Christmas and this year I've asked to give me a similar amount so he's saved for Christmas and doesn't have to worry about paying for it in one months wage. Some people are better savers than others.

NearlyGranny · 18/12/2019 06:39

Whether it's wise to pool everything or not very much depends on differing financial attitudes! We had everything in common at first and for ages, but DH started behaving in a financially controlling way. I was the main breadwinner by a factor of 3:1 but he would veto my purchases and treat the one big joint account as solely his. He also didn't see the need to work harder or find steady employment.😕

countrygirl99 · 18/12/2019 06:46

Treat Christmas savings as one of the Bill's. Set up a standing order from wherever you pay the bills into a savings account and include it in your bill split.

NotSorry · 18/12/2019 06:56

Ditto countrygirl99

We also do this with birthdays. We have a set amount we put to one side to cover the year of present spends. I’m the keeper of the pot but if DH goes to get the present I refund him from the pot.

Start from January 2020 - oh and put both names on, not fair to draw DC into this argument

Toomanycats99 · 18/12/2019 07:00

My ex was like this. I would end up buying presents for his parents as he didn't have any money left because they always got me a decent amount voucher and I could see them not get anything.

He probably bought 2 presents max for our two dd in 10 years - now of course they see who gets what he gets them proper presents!

ivykaty44 · 18/12/2019 07:02

Oh has got money for Christmas as his girlfriend works part time & puts money away every week so he doesn’t have to as come Christmas all he has to do is say- I haven’t got a lot of money for Christmas and guess what......she shares 🤣 great plan

You enable him to do this each year so YABU

ReanimatedSGB · 18/12/2019 07:15

Does he spend a lot of money on himself generally? if so, he is being selfish. However, if most of his money goes on bills and you are still telling him to spend lots at Christmas then YABU. If your household is on a low-ish income generally, it's silly to prioritize Christmas and put away money for it all year round.

OhTheRoses · 18/12/2019 07:19

It has taken me 30 years for dh to "get" christmas due to his parents being mean and joyless. I think you need to have a realuty chat about the sort if chrustmases you want your ds to remember. I'd ask your dh to pay in a fixed monthly amount towards Christmas.

OTH a bicycle and a lot if presents seens excessive.

AhoyMrBeaver · 18/12/2019 07:23

These are discussions that need to happen long before the week before Christmas.

You know he's rubbish at budgeting, so help him out by pushing him to save a bit throughout the year. Open a joint savings account to pool the funds for Christmas presents for your son so you can anticipate exactly how much there'll be and spend accordingly.

TryingToBeBold · 18/12/2019 07:27

Dont subsidise the bike!!!!

If your DC doesn't know about it then.. definitely dont. And then DH will feel a little bad when you turn around this weekend and say "Sorry.. I don't have the money either as I've had to buy XYZ to cover for you and all the kids presents".
You've let him get away with this so of course he's going to keep doing it.

Dontdisturbmenow · 18/12/2019 07:28

How old is your ds? Could you work FT and you can divide bills 50/50? He would then have more left over for Xmas presents.

Or is the problem that he spends all what he has left each month on himself? It sounds like you need to be better organised, agree on a Xmas/Bday fund, and arrange a direct transfer for both of you each month.

Wildorchidz · 18/12/2019 07:32

I think op you need to give the full picture of your situation. I replied on your previous thread about your finances and your oh. It was a while into the thread before you stated that you have 3 older children who are not his, that you get no maintenance from their father and that in fact your oh pays 60% of all the household bills.
Those facts give a different perspective.

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