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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend coming round with ' all the presents '

60 replies

incognitomum · 17/12/2019 23:00

One if my close friends always buys gifts for myself dh and my dcs (older)
I mentioned a while back to not buy this year and she agreed.

She must have forgotten as she's coming round with all the presents. I'm so stuck as don't have a clue what to get her? She's coming tomorrow night.

Aibu to mention it and say to just tell me what to get? To be honest she's very difficult to buy for. She has everything.

OP posts:
MyMajesty · 17/12/2019 23:40

ladybirdsarelovely33, and then your friend feels bad because she didn't get you anything, or panics and buys something.
Great.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 23:44

I did think about reminding her about no gifts but feel a bit shit as she's already got them.

She's playing you.
She hasn't forgotten - who forgets THAT conversation about bloody xmas presents with their FRIEND ffs?!
She knows you'll feel like shit & run around buying something.
She's chosen to hear you out, pretend to agree, then do exactly as she pleases anyway.

Whether that is to extract her own gift out of you or not is immaterial. I suspect it is more to do with wanting to do things HER way, & never mind what you want, or what she has already agreed with you.

It's high-handed, embarrassing & over the top.

Don't run around adding even more stress to your life & wondering what to buy her. Stick to your guns - "oh! that's ... kind of you, but a bit surprising, as we'd surely agreed not to do this, this year?"

Her response will tell you what you need to know. Bet she rides breezy & roughshod over your feelings by insisting that it doesn't matter what you both said, & implies that her Showmanship is more important than sticking to your mutual agreement.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/12/2019 23:51

@ladybirdsarelovely33 we agreed but we cant help it. We always want to get her something. Esp as her husband left her for another woman.

Ooh, cringe. Sounds quite patronising to be honest, especially regarding the “husband left her for another woman” bit. No-one wants to be felt sorry for. Hmm. It will just make your friend feel awful that she hasn’t got you anything. You should have stuck to the agreement. She might panic buy and spend money she can ill afford.

Maybe she really just isn’t into material things and doesn’t actually want anything?

Gift givers need to be careful that it doesn’t turn into being all about them. Think of the other person.
OP, I would definitely just text back or tell her w hen she comes “oh I thought we agreed not to do presents from now on, dis you forget?” If she’s “difficult” she might raise an eyebrow or make a silly comment, but let her. She became difficult by others pandering to her daftness. Anyone who is into “stuff” can buy their own if they want it that much, surely?

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 23:52

OP, I posted my tiny rant before seeing your updates, but it just gets worse & bloody worse ... & my gut reaction in the post above feels even more apposite:

She loves opening gifts. I'm not arsed at all about gifts but I know she is. She has so much.

I'm changing and becoming less materialistic. She's the opposite and loves to buy stuff. I find it hard buying things just for the sake of it.

She's bought for all of us so can't say keep it for a birthday. Plus she's easily offended. She can be quite hard work tbh.

Yeah - it's all clear now.
She didn't NEED reminding like a husband child about what you had both agreed.
She just didn't want to go along with it.
She doesn't like the way you have changed, & instead of respecting it, is continuing with her merry consumerism & hoping to shame you out of not indulging her.
What a spoiled brat. "Hard work" - you said it. "Easily offended" is just short-hand for "my way or suffer the consequences."

Look on the bright side - maybe she'll dump you for not buying her a pony this year, you mean, mean, agreement-keeping bastard!!!

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 17/12/2019 23:53

Errrm... god that's awkward. Can you do a generic 'girls night in' present? Bottle of wine, scented candle, bubble bath? Stuff you could easily grab from the supermarket?

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 00:07

We have a friend who said (due to her finances) not to do gifts for adults. We agreed but we cant help it. We always want to get her something. Esp as her husband left her for another woman.
So she may get bit upset but we just want to be generous to her. We do not expect anything from her though

Gordon Bennet here's another one.
@ladybirdsarelovely33 - festive cheer to you & all that, but can you just stop & re-think your attitude here?

Your friend's single status or financial situation does not give you carte blanche to trample on the agreement she made with you.
It does not make you more perceptive than her, so that you can assume that you know better than she does what she wants or means when she says "no presents please".

"She may get a bit upset but we just want to be generous to her".
Well aren't you a pair of patronising, thoughtless arseholes?
You are perfectly happy to upset this friend, & completely discount her feelings at having her clearly expressed wishes ignored, just so that you can feel "generous".

That's NOT generous. It's selfish, railroading & condescending.

Your own word is valueless to your friend - no wonder she finds it upsetting , you are breaking your agreement with her, because you think that your feelings trump hers.
We agreed, but we can't help it

You can. Stop it.

messolini9 · 18/12/2019 00:11

She became difficult by others pandering to her daftness.
Grin Grin Grin

Couldn't agree more, @CurlyhairedAssassin.

TheReluctantCountess · 18/12/2019 00:14

How about getting her presents which are not materialistic, but rather more environmentally friendly - reusable straws, shampoo bars (no plastic bottles) and the such like?

Fatasfooook · 18/12/2019 00:14

Fondue set. Sorted

Blackbear19 · 18/12/2019 00:19

I would get consumables, wine, vodka, gin or resteraunt vouchers.
Avoid cupboard clutter!

MustShowDH · 18/12/2019 00:26

We agreed but we cant help it. We always want to get her something.

I'd be so upset if someone did this.

LellyMcKelly · 18/12/2019 00:28

Get an empty box. Go to Tesco or your supermarket of choice, choose some fruit, nuts, crackers, popcorn, chocolate, wine, etc. Tie the lot up in a bow and call it a hamper. Chuck in a book and a poinsettia if you’re feeling extravagant.

Original poster
incognitomum · 18/12/2019 00:33

Thanks for all the ideas.

For the pp buying for friend who said not to please don't. She'll feel shit.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 18/12/2019 00:34

I'd be so upset if someone did this.

Me too @MustShowDH.
And the PP who does this KNOWS it upsets her friend - she specifically wrote so! - & yet keeps on doing it.

What happened to friends giving each other time, & courtesy, & respect & word-keeping, instead of THINGS?????

DecemberSnow · 18/12/2019 00:35

There are a choice of two vouchers i would maybe get

The restaurant choice
or
Love2shop

You say she loves animals.... Is money an issue? Have you got a certain amount in mind?
Could you buy her a membership of some sort or a animal magazine subscription for afew months....

Or a scarf with animals on... Or a cuddly animal or a Attenborough DVD, the new one is out

Creepster · 18/12/2019 00:35

Box of chocolates or bake some cookies.
I always keep a few boxes of my favorite chocolates on hand for surprise gifters.

Original poster
incognitomum · 18/12/2019 00:36

I like the environmentally friendly gifts idea. I'll get friend some of those. There's a great place in town for eco friendly stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
incognitomum · 18/12/2019 00:39

There's only one other friend I usually buy for. I'd forgotten about him. He's not visiting until January. And we buy each other a cheesy or daft gift for a fiver or under. Something for a laugh but with a use.

OP posts:
MyMajesty · 18/12/2019 00:46

Seriously.
She's made you feel shit, as you've pointed out to ladybirds, and you're going to let her bully you into buying her something. Confused Hmm

Thinkingabout1t · 18/12/2019 00:50

Many charities send cards (real paper ones or emailed virtual cards) in return for a donation. Lots of choice In design of cards, how much you donate, how long a message you can include. Making A Difference is one website that covers a lot of different charities, or go to any charity’s website. The great thing with a virtual card is that it’s delivered instantly!

Original poster
incognitomum · 18/12/2019 01:02

MyMajesty if it was just me then I'd probably have just reminded her. But she's bought for us all and the dog. I'll make sure she knows for next year and keep reminding.

Tbh she takes the piss out of the fact I'm decluttering more and trying to be more minimalist. She hates change.

OP posts:
1300cakes · 18/12/2019 01:18

I'm afraid I wouldn't pander to someone like this. If she turns up with a load of stuff just say "oh, but we agreed not to do presents this year". You made an agreement, it's her fault if she didn't stick to it. She is the one that is in the wrong here, not you.

Also, before you run out and buy a load of gifts for her, what did she actually say? Is it possible she's just coming around with some home made biscuits or something.

MyMajesty · 18/12/2019 01:23

Tbh she takes the piss out of the fact I'm decluttering more and trying to be more minimalist. She hates change.

Not much of a friend, then.

Who cares what she's spent money on - it's her problem.

But you both will just keep doing the same thing every year - you saying no presents, her announcing she's bought presents and you rushing to do the same.
Have fun.

Original poster
incognitomum · 18/12/2019 09:04

@1300cakes it won't be homemade stuff. She goes overboard buying stuff.

@MyMajesty I've begun to notice this last year or so her attitude has got worse. Dh has noticed too he doesn't like being around her now. So no she isn't as much of a friend as she used to be.

OP posts: