To avoid FIL for ever

[Stressedsuzy]

So backstory
FIL didn’t have contact with DH and SIL from when they were approx 4 & 6. He has lived abroad etc and basically never kept in touch after he divorced MIL.
Got back in contact when they were in 20’s and has had occasional contact since.
During the last 14 years of him being around again he has managed to upset everyone multiple time and generally been tactless. One example is whilst holding a second son when he was 3 days old told SIL it was a shame it hadn’t been a girl, you can imagine that didn’t go well with a highly hormonal new mum. many similar situations equally bad have occurred. Including just not turning up to a wedding and generally dismissive and unkind behavior around grandchildren.

Well we all went low contact and avoided him.

He has now sent MIL ( not an easy woman at the best of times) a long letter justifying his behavior and criticizing us all. But he has really ripped into his own daughter (SIL) and myself. We have been accused of being difficult, sharp tongued and complete divas who have deliberately turned the grandchildren against him. He also quoted an incident when a small child approx 6 years old answered the phone and was apparently very rude to him “ fat , old , smelly poo man”. Ok that is bad and obviously not a great parenting moment but children can sometimes be difficult. Obviously it’s the mothers fault for putting that thought in the child’s head.

MIL is now really furious with her children and children in Law for all this and demanding we all apologize etc etc.

Basically I don’t want to be bullied by this man.
AIBU to actually never have any contact with him again ( I’m obviously not capable of keeping my feelings on him to myself now).
Or perhaps you could suggest ways we could all fake liking him?

I needed that little rant

I'd write a list of all the shitty nasty things he's
Done to you and your family, send it to both MIL and FIL and tell them you don't want anything else to do with them ... tho I'd run it past your DH first lol ... as it's his parents !

Sounds toxic, bullying and no reason to spend any more time with or anger upon

Sorry OP smelly poo man... That's very funny and typical of a six year old to say! He sounds like a total arse.

What a CF.
All these uppity women, eh?
YANBU

Ah so she is his flying monkey then. I wouldn't apologise. He clearly thinks women should be submissive and not have a voice.

Why on earth would you want to be in the same room as him? Maybe you and Dh can present a united front and tell your MIL why you won't be apologising and don't want a relationship with this man.

So she wants you to apologise to a complete prick who abandoned his kids? I'd say
"Look mil, I don't like him, I am choosing not to see him again and hell will freeze over before I apologise, now that is the last I will say on it. Push me on it and we'll not see each other either because frankly both your requests are outrageous"

I'd do what @CalmdownJanet suggests. And get the six year old (or borrow a six year old from somewhere if the six year old is now older) to leave regular answerphone messages for Smelly Poo Man.

What does your DH think of all of this?

Its strange MiL is sticking up for him when they dont seem close. It's very odd she is taking his side.

It doesnt sound like it will be that hard to avoid him anyway? I'd say to her (or get your husband to say) that from your perspective your 'sharp tongue' was due to his bad behaviour and multiple incidents of him upsetting everyone, you're not going to apologise and you dont want to talk about it with her.

I would just cut them both out of my life. Don’t care about the drama - just don’t want anything to do with arseholes that blame me for their own behaviour.

If that’s what they think of you then don’t even bother. Fucking harsh (for SIL I mean) when it’s your own mum and dad doing it though.

For you I’d go No contact with both MIL and FIL, and your dh can make his own decision.

He sounds high maintenance. Smelly poo man is a pretty standard 6yo insult, most grandparents would chuckle/groan. MIL doesn’t sound much better.

He also sounds manipuative, sniping to MIl and turning her into a flying monkey instead of dealing with you and SIL directly. YANBU to keep your distance.

I would have anything to do with smelly poo man again - or ex-Mrs smelly poo woman either.

Why is your MiL taking his side? Presumably she didn’t want him either?

I do think the 6 yo’s behaviour was not endearing but highly unlikely its mother uses that kind of epithet to describe people.

I had an ex who had a dad who acted pretty much identically (apart from the letter) and I used to actively avoid him as I found it hard to keep my views to myself

Ignore MIL and FIL. They sound like a right pair, even though they're divorced.

Instead of him to reflect on being an inadequate father who abandoned his young DC... he now complains all the time.

Did he ever apologise to his DC? Such ppl are an utter waste of space. I doubt he adds anything to the lives of the grandchildren.

6 yo wasn't right and must have heard negative, but true things about him.

He's irrelevant, yes ignore forever, but WHY THE FUCK is MIL defending him?

I really don’t know why she is defending him and arguing with her own children about this.
They divorced , he disappeared for years and gave her no financial help.

She isn’t rational though at the best of times, maybe she has taken our rude behaviour as a personal criticism?.. Who knows but she is.

Btw FIL is a smoker and heavy drinker so “ smelly” isn’t a completely untrue thing for the child to have said.

I’d go no contact with him and tell her to stop being a wet wipe defending a man who was happy to dump her. If she carries in, no contact for her too.

He has no concept of a normal 6 year old because, due to his shit parenting he missed that bit. And a lot more.

I’d keep it that way. MIL has taken it as a personal attack and needs to see he’s just being his usual obnoxious self.

"Look, MiL, you know how much of an arsehole FiL is, look at how he left you and refused you any financial help. We're not going to discuss the details, but take it from us that his behaviour has been appalling. If you insist on siding with him, you will make it difficult for us to keep up any sort of relationship with you. Please keep out of this."

Such words are cheap and meaningless when spoken by a self obsessed arse hole who abandoned his children when they were so little, feckless toad that he is, who the fuck does he think he is. And mil, if you want to put this prick above family who love you and have stayed with you through thick and thin then so be it, but don't bother us with a request for an apology as it is not happening.

He sounds like a nasty old misogynistic pig that likes to blame women for his shit parenting. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

Funny how he's whipping up one woman to attack the younger woman eh? Surprise bloody surprise he sounds like a prize (misogynistic) twat.
I'd go with a mix of the various replies above, pointing out how ill judged both his and her viewpoints are.

Sorry OP, nothing useful to add just that I can't stop laughing at smelly poo man. Everyone is looking at me in hysterics over my phone and I just can't stop laughing.

Don't understand why your MIL is defending the smelly poo man. Honestly sounds like good riddance if you can go no contact