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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grey area of teenage guardianship

31 replies

CrashedAsh · 17/12/2019 02:02

My partner has a 17yo daughter that lives with us full time- partner has decided he wants to work a job that requires nights away interstate. I don't think it's fair that his child becomes my responsibility for the nights he is away.

We have been together 2 years, but I have known his 17yro for about 6 years. Relationship between myself and his daughter was fine until she realised i'm not a cool friend, but someone who has put rules in place in our house.

My question is, do i have a right to say "no thanks" when looking after her when he isn't around? What happens if she is hurt/arrested/requires assistance from an adult? I doubt i have any say since we aren't married.

OP posts:

HanginWithMyGnomies · 17/12/2019 02:39

Wow, aren’t you just lovely! If I was your dp, I’d be looking for a new partner, not a new job. You take the children on as part of the package you know...

Incidentally, just to give you some perspective here. I raise my two step kids.. alone. Alongside my own dp after their dad just left, you know, because I chose to be a parent to them when I made the decision to live with them as a family.

I really hope this is a wind up.

BitOfFun · 17/12/2019 03:15

I think you're projecting a bit there, Hangin.

CrashedAsh, I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to worry about this. Where is your partner's concern for his familial responsibilities?

ForkThis · 17/12/2019 03:26

She’s 17.. surely she doesn’t need active “looking after”..? Just a warm body in case of emergency. Unless you’re about to drip feed about SEN or something I can’t really see how it would be a problem. 17 year olds all over the country live away from home.

Maybe you’ll even grow closer.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/12/2019 04:07

Having a 17 year old stepdaughter basically means you can be the cool friend. Is there really a need for many rules?

HerRoyalNotness · 17/12/2019 04:25

I take it you’re in the US? You’ll have to consult someone over here to see what ‘parental rights’ you can get so you can care for her in the circumstances you mention.

I don’t think it’s fair your partner absconds his responsibility either.

DdraigGoch · 17/12/2019 10:26

How hard are 17 year olds?

Comefromaway · 17/12/2019 10:27

My 17 year old lives away from home in college lodgings. They don't exactly need much looking after.

AlexaShutUp · 17/12/2019 10:32

How hard are 17 year olds?

It depends on the 17yo.

My friend has one 17yo and one 7yo. The 17yo is very troubled and requires a great deal of support. The 7yo is very easy in comparison.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2019 10:32

Unless she's way out of control, i can't see how much looking after a 17 year old even needs though? If she's got behavioural issues then that's a different story

LittleLongDog · 17/12/2019 10:33

She’s 17. She needs somewhere there ‘just in case’. Are you really saying that you care for her so little that you can’t to do that for her?

If anything were to happen (hurt, arrested) you would call your DP anyway and surely make decisions together?

You chose this relationship.

Booboostwo · 17/12/2019 10:42

You seem a bit mean about this. She is your step daughter and has been for the past six years. You entered into the relationship with her dad knowing she was part of his life. Also she’s 17 not 7, why do you think that overnights will be more burdensome than day times? If she is seriously hurt and in hospital the doctors will contact your DH - the chances of you having to make life saving medical decisions on her behalf are zero. If she’s arrested would you seriously refuse to go bail her out? Does she have a history of arrests?

QuickstepQueen · 17/12/2019 10:44

He hasn’t made the decision yet and it looks like it’s your call. But should the 17year old not be consulted too? Parents can’t just bugger off without considering consequences and making sure everyone is on board with the situation. You guys need to talk.

RevengeOfTheReindeer · 17/12/2019 12:33

What rules are we talking about here?

How many and how regular would the nights away be?

Original poster

CrashedAsh · 17/12/2019 20:37

I knew i'd be getting some mixed responses to my question and that's fair, but in saying that- there's more backstory there than what i posted.

DH has only just gained custody (his ex used to withold visitation until a breakdown occurred and he decided enough was enough- he wasn't involved in decisions during her childhood and never had to discipline). DH is more a friend than a father and this is where it becomes the area of discussion. He doesn't want to upset her or reprimand if she does something out of line and this is happening more and more frequently. She truants school and has openly said she is deliberately failing because she just doesn't want to go. She has been unsuccessful in getting a job due to her attitude and very poor grades. It doesn't matter that i arranged tutoring, have helped her apply for jobs etc, she just thinks she can do as she pleases.

I was fully aware that my DH came as a package, that I don't have an issue with. I love his 17yo and have taken her into my life, regardless of these behavioural setbacks. But i don't like her disrespectful attitidue towards me (i've been called a C**t to my face, amongst other choice words). I don't know if her atttitude towards me would get worse, or improve if we had one on one time together.

DH is looking for work elsewhere and i will support him- but i still think i should have been consulted with regarding the nights away.

OP posts:

jellycatspyjamas · 17/12/2019 20:42

So her living circumstances have completely changed, there’s clearly been some animosity between her parents and - understandably she’s not behaving beautifully. Given the level of disruption she’s already experienced I’d be unhappy with him spending so much time away from home - the poor girl must think nobody wants her, she moves in and he buggers off.

Lellikelly26 · 17/12/2019 20:42

You won’t get parental rights for an almost adult teenager, it’s patronising to think you would. Any court respects older teenagers views and would allow them to make their own minds up providing there were no extraordinary circumstances
It must be tough having a teenager in the house suddenly and I bet she can be a pain. Stick it out as she is your DP’s daughter and it’s important for your relationship with him that you can get on with her

Inertia · 17/12/2019 20:48

Your partner needs to step up and do some parenting, and if he wants his daughter living with him he needs to find a job that doesn't need him to be working away frequently.

katewhinesalot · 17/12/2019 23:25

Tbh at that age you shouldn't be laying down the rules. Help, advise yes but any attempt to control won't go down well.

You can't punish but you can set boundaries. Treat her as an adult but she gets the natural consequences of her choices.
Walk away and don't react if she calls you a name except to mildly say that it isn't acceptable. If you react badly then she'll do it all the more.

It's not a good time for dh to be working away from home.

jellycatspyjamas · 18/12/2019 04:09

So what were the circumstances in her coming to live with him? If he had no involvement in her upbringing, and didn’t see much of her (my assumption when you say visitation was withheld ), what happened that he now has custody? You don’t need to answer here of course but I suspect that that will hold the key to much of her behaviour.

If he’s not been a parental influence in her life and then he takes on that role it’s reasonable to think that she’ll be testing that relationship to it’s very limits, because he’s not had that place in her life. I’d respectfully suggest that it’s not for you to set rules for her - she isn’t your daughter and he needs to step up and parent her. In your shoes I’d be agreeing basic ground rules with your partner and his daughter together, and agreeing how he will maintain those boundaries with her.

You don’t say in how you’ve know his daughter but your relationship with her predates your relationship with him? How was the change in relationship with her been handled, ie going from however you knew her before to being her dads partner now? Could there be something in that that she’s trying to test too?

Simply put, for her welfare she needs some stability and she needs people who will hang on in there when the going gets rough. It’s a terrible time for him to be thinking of working away, not just because you’re left in a difficult position but because his teenage daughter needs him to be there.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/12/2019 06:08

Given your update I agree it'd be selfish for him to take a job that requires so much time away. She needs stability.

ferrier · 18/12/2019 13:37

How many nights away?
1 a week - yabu.
4 a week - yanbu.

You also need to decide what battles are worth fighting (I would recommend as few as possible and prioritising living together amicably rather than attending school etc.) and then all sit down and have an adult conversation about the way forward.
Your dsd has had quite an upheaval and needs stability, kindness and her father's presence.

makingmammaries · 18/12/2019 13:46

Maybe you could give it a go? Perhaps he needs the job. Perhaps just seeing that you are ready to give her a chance would make a difference to this girl. It might work out better than you think.

Aderyn19 · 18/12/2019 13:55

I am a parent and I wouldn't take a job which required me to leave my 17 year old overnight regularly - I am the parent and it is my job to look after my child.
The OP's step daughter certainly needs parenting and it isn't her responsibility to do it. She should support her dp but not to the extent that she has to parent because he won't do it!

Original poster

CrashedAsh · 20/12/2019 03:46

Thank you again for all your replies.

The job DH applied for fell through but he has expressed an interest to still working long haul drives (up to 4 nights a week away from home).

I'm prepared to take on one or two nights a week solo to see how things go should he wish to pursue the new job- he just wants a change from doing local truck work. It'll be then when i decide whether it will work for me- her behaviour will be a key factor in what happens from there. If it doesn't work out, he can stay doing local work until she moves out/finishes school.

I have been told a few times now that I'm the stability she needs- and whilst that's most likely true, I don't feel like it should all fall down on my shoulders. I'm part of a team, or so i thought. Yes, DH needs to step up regarding the rules and regulations, because in the end, I don't want to be the bad guy all the time.

I should note: I'm not a horrible person. I love this girl. But past actions such as stealing and selling items of mine on 3 different occassions, has put a bit of a dampner on how I feel towards her. I find it hard to trust her when she still goes through my things when i'm not home.. and the name calling, i find that terribly rude.

I'll keep on plodding along, and hopefully talk to DH a bit more in depth about what we can be doing.

Thanks!

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 20/12/2019 08:20

Hes just taken on full custody of his troubled teen, he shouldn't really get the option of deciding on working away all week and pawn her off on you, that's not fair on either you or his daughter, its pretty irresponsible of him actually. Can you imagine if he was the mother instead of her dad, it would never happen

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