AIBU for getting upset that my family refuses to come to my home for Christmas

[Museumland]

Every year for the last 20 I cook Christmas lunch at my parents house. I buy all the food, load up my car with baking trays, condiments, cooking knives and lay the table, make all the food and clear up and leave exhausted. This is because my mother refuses to not have Christmas in her home. She is elderly but goes out once a week to have a meal with my dad and a carer goes with them . This year I have been unwell and it took me a few months to get better but I feel more tired and I need to be careful. My mother said I could cook Christmas lunch in my own flat which is so less stressful for me. There's no issue re transport. I invited two friends who are on their own. Now my mother has changed her mind and insists I cook lunch at her house and my friends can come too and her carer will join us as she doesn't have family so now I am cooking in her house for my 8. My dad says he'll help but he literally can't turn the oven on. I feel so upset and can't understand why she won't come to my home, my friends wouldn't have accepted the invite if they had known it was at my parents house and I wouldn't have invited them, but they will probably feel obligated. I just feel upset and given I was really quite ill this year just really upset that my mother won't do something for me.

Cared not career!

Carer ffs😱

How old are you OP? And does her influence pervade like this through other areas of your life too?

Say no OP and have lunch in your home as planned with your friends. Your parents carer can cook for them in their home as presumably that’s what she does anyway and you can visit them either before or after or on Boxing Day.

It’s just a day and you’ve made plans so stick with them.

She doesn’t get to insist what you do. Say no.

Op just say no op. You have done two decades of this.

God, the word is no

I feel for you OP. I've been in my house for 30 years and my parents have never had food here. In fact my Dad had popped in 3 times. They live 4 miles away, active and both drive. I'm a good cook, no one has died - yet but they refuse. My Dad just says no. My Mother has said she will come for Christmas dinner when she's too old to cook it. She's 76. As you can imagine Christmas Day down my parent 's is a bundle of laughs.

Another Christmas thread. Another Christmas doormat.

So she wants a free caterer to come and cook and tidy up?
Nope. Not on.
Tell her your friends are not prepared to go to them, so you are having Christmas at home.
If they want to come, fine, but it's a bit cheeky to bring the carer. Will she be working the day for nothing like the caterer?

Sometimes we need to pick a hill to die on, OP, and this one is yours.

“No Mum, I don’t want to change the arrangements we’ve already made.”

“No Mum, my friends don’t want to come to your house, they were invited to mine.”
“No Mum, it doesn’t suit me to cook at yours this year.”
“No Mum, I won’t be coming, but you’re very welcome to come to me, as we originally planned.”
Ad nauseum.

As everyone else has said, you need to assert yourself. This isn’t about Christmas dinner. Your mum is manipulative and controlling and used to having her own way, and it sounds like you’ve allowed her to walk all over you for a very long time.

But you’re grown up now. You have your own life. She doesn’t get to tell you how to live it. Read up on FOG as others have suggested, and give yourself some strategies for dealing with what will undoubtedly be a stressful and difficult conversation. She won’t like it, but once you realise you can set your own boundaries and THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO ABOUT IT, trust me, it will feel unbelievably liberating.

Think of it like toilet training a puppy. It’s a bit of a struggle and not pleasant for either of you, but as long as you’re consistent she’ll eventually get used to it! Good luck

You obviously can’t invite two friends for Christmas and then move the goalposts. It’s just not right. Not without a very sound reason, and a stroppy selfish mother isn’t that!

You really need to say no. Assure your parents that the carer is welcome too, then let them decide.

Why are you unable to say no?

Say no, it’s your house or nothing. Christmas is not worth jeopardising your health for.

Give her the option, come to yours or don't. DO NOT feel guilty, you are being perfectly reasonable. She is relying on you changing your plans due to guilt/duty/obligation which is totally unreasonable and emotional blackmail.

Give them the choice to come to you, if they decline that is THEIR decision, it is not something you are doing to them.

Be strong.

Thanks everyone, literally every single post has been helpful. I need to step up, be firm, and respect my friends (completely unfair to ask them to change their plans) and say No in the constructive way you have suggested.
Also it has made me think about how I often adopt "pleasing behaviour" when I need to be more assertive. Thank you all.

Well done! I know it's hard when you aren't used to saying NO, but you'll get better at it

Also it has made me think about how I often adopt "pleasing behaviour" when I need to be more assertive. Thank you all

Do it, honestly you'll not look back.

Great OP - you are entitled to live your life the way you want and for the good of your health.

There are some brilliant examples of what to say here. Fingers crossed you get the point across in the way you want. Merry Christmas 🎄

Ah good lm glad you're going to stick to YOUR plans OP.
I'm sorry for calling you a martyr, but l have been that martyr trying to please everybody else and it never works and is exhausting for you. I've adopted the msnt phrase 'that doesn't work for me' or just plain 'no' if lm feeling lairy. You will never look back just ride out the initial tantrums and you'll be fine xx

Yay! Well done OP. You can do this, and you'll feel SO much better when you have. It'll be a big turning point for you, I'm sure.

Well done op...be brave

Good for you, OP!

Yay! Looking forward to an update when you have said no :)