Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for getting upset that my family refuses to come to my home for Christmas

96 replies

Museumland · 16/12/2019 22:39

Every year for the last 20 I cook Christmas lunch at my parents house. I buy all the food, load up my car with baking trays, condiments, cooking knives and lay the table, make all the food and clear up and leave exhausted. This is because my mother refuses to not have Christmas in her home. She is elderly but goes out once a week to have a meal with my dad and a carer goes with them . This year I have been unwell and it took me a few months to get better but I feel more tired and I need to be careful. My mother said I could cook Christmas lunch in my own flat which is so less stressful for me. There's no issue re transport. I invited two friends who are on their own. Now my mother has changed her mind and insists I cook lunch at her house and my friends can come too and her carer will join us as she doesn't have family so now I am cooking in her house for my 8. My dad says he'll help but he literally can't turn the oven on. I feel so upset and can't understand why she won't come to my home, my friends wouldn't have accepted the invite if they had known it was at my parents house and I wouldn't have invited them, but they will probably feel obligated. I just feel upset and given I was really quite ill this year just really upset that my mother won't do something for me.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/12/2019 00:03

@Museumland I am afraid you will need to go broken record. Just as you would with a stroppy toddler.

I'm afraid mum the plans are made now. You can join us here or you can eat at home (loads of nice things that can easily be wacked into an oven if someone can work out how to turn it on - or if they have the funds they could eat out.

PLEASE do what is right for you, not just this year but every year. Life really is too short and you have been ill. CHOSE what you want and then do it.

And please look at the words you wrote and think about it "My mother said I could cook Christmas lunch in my own flat which is so less stressful for me."

You are a grown woman, you do not need your mother's permission to not cook her a dinner and to be in your own home with your own friends. Please, now, before it is too late, start prioritizing your own life. Thanks

MsPepperPotts · 17/12/2019 00:04

Stay at home Op with your friends and have a Christmas that you want from now on because you deserve it. You have done your fare share over the years.
Given the state o your health you need to start putting yourself first from now on
Let the Carer do their Christmas Dinner and do not feel guilty about this situation one bit.

Italiangreyhound · 17/12/2019 00:05

CHOOSE (sorry grammar fail!)

Catsandchardonnay · 17/12/2019 00:09

My mother said I could cook Christmas lunch in my own flat which is so less stressful for me. Why do you need your mother’s permission to cook lunch in your own flat? She’s controlling you. Stand up to her and say no. It’s not fair on your friends aside from anything else.

Drabarni · 17/12/2019 00:10

Just say no, her carer can help her if she is going anyway.

Catsandchardonnay · 17/12/2019 00:10

Oops sorry Italiangreyhound it looks like I copied parts of your post but I didn’t! We must both be right.

wellthatwasthat · 17/12/2019 00:12

Now my mother has changed her mind and insists

She can insist all she likes, but you don't have to do as you are told any more, you are an adult with your own opinions, likes and dislikes, and if you don't want to do something, you don't have to.

She cannot force you to be a good girl and do as you are told.

Stand up to her and tell her that you are doing things your way this year.

PlasticPatty · 17/12/2019 00:12

Tell her no.

Bouledeneige · 17/12/2019 00:13

Time to grow some OP. Next year go away.

blacksax · 17/12/2019 00:24

I agree with others, it is time to put your foot down - especially given your recent health concerns. You have said you are hosting at yours this year and you have invited everyone. If they refuse to come, then so be it.

dreichXmas · 17/12/2019 00:26

Another vote for just say no.

Rinse and repeat.

Or offer that they have their own Xmas meal, you have yours and you meet on Boxing Day.

saraclara · 17/12/2019 00:37

You can't change now. You're an adult who has made arrangements to host friends. You don't let guests down on Christmas Day.

For goodness' sake, don't even THINK of asking your friends to accept this. It would be totally inexcusable of you.

Just tell your mother that you can't change the plan. You are hosting guests. She is welcome to join you, but if she won't, you'll see her on Boxing Day.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 00:41

Now my mother has changed her mind
Her perogative.
You don't need to though. You made arrangements, had confirmations, & are reasonable in sticking to your guns.

and insists I cook lunch at her house
She can insist all she likes, she cannot actually force you.
You have done her bidding on xmas lunch for 20 years.
Your turn to "insist" on sticking to your original plan.

and my friends can come too and her carer will join us as she doesn't have family
"No mother, my friends are coming to MY house, as pre-agreed & arranged. You were invited too, accepted, but have now changed your mind - so obviously your carer will need to be with you at your house."

so now I am cooking in her house for my 8.
Are you?
Why?
You made a plan. Your mum agreed it. Your friends agreed it.
Your mum can change HER mind. She does not have the right to change yours, or those of your friends.

saraclara · 17/12/2019 00:46

Again. YOU ARE THE HOST ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
YOU CANNOT LET YOUR FRIENDS DOWN.

I'm sorry, I'm not actually shouting, but I really want you to take this in. You don't seem to understand what hosting friends means. especially on the biggest day of the year.

You are about to put your friends in a really awful position. DON'T DO IT. Your mum can not force you to do so and you must not.

Purpleartichoke · 17/12/2019 00:46

You have to say no.
You must be at least as old as me. The first time is never easy and honestly, even after 20 years of speaking up when needed, it still causes me stress, but it has to be done from time to time.

viques · 17/12/2019 00:47

You have been doing this for 20 years! And your mother can't even be bothered to set the table for you in her own house after all your hard work. She has played you for a fool.

Cease and desist. you have been ill, you have made other arrangements with your friends and that is final. Don't relent even as far as asking your parents and the tag along carer to come to you, you know you would probably end up having to drive to collect them and take them home again, just what you need to do half way through cooking/when you have been working hard and not even able to have a glass of wine!

Stay home, enjoy relaxing with your friends. As others have said, there are plenty of easy cook options available for them to have a perfectly nice meal with or without the carer.

viques · 17/12/2019 00:50

PS I hope the friends are offering to chip in with the food preparation ,cooking and clearing up.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 00:51

Are you sure she’s not deliberately pushing your buttons here?

Well quite, @WhereverIMayRoam.

OP - you do NOT need permission to stay in your own flat, cook for your friends, or even permission to be released from 20 years Xmas Duty.

Reading between the lines ... your mum has you on the end of a string, & enjoys jerking it to make you dance. This is not your fault, & the observation is not made unkindly - it's a common feature of familial relationships that are clouded by FOG -

& here's the link for you to read up on understanding, then escaping, the FOG: outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Time to take a stand for your own freedom & wellbeing OP - & have an Xmas day being happy with your friends. Your mum can join you if she wishes ... but you do NOT need to change a set plan that you have already confirmed with your friends. Your mother's desire to yank your chain does NOT trump promises you have made to friends, or arrangements you wish to keep.

Happy Christmas!

Italiangreyhound · 17/12/2019 00:58

Catsandchardonnay that's OK I think we are all saying the same thing. I think OP you must stand up to your mum. You must carve out your own life and make sure you protect what is important for you. Time/friends/your home etc. XXXXX

Ellie56 · 17/12/2019 01:11

Just keep saying, "No Mum, I am cooking in my own flat which you said would be so less stressful for me."

Then explain it is too late to change plans and in any case you have friends coming too and you can't let them down.

Just keep saying it OP. She'll get the message eventually.

Bahhhhhumbug · 17/12/2019 07:11

My DH does this sort of thing. Anyone in family wants anything or has a problem they will ask him first port of call always. At weekend two different relatives
pests were on the phone several times asking him for help with a plumbing problem (he's not a plumber) They both kept pestering till he went round to 'have a look' even though we were very busy. Guess what, he couldn't solve either.
He moans like mad about always being the family 'go to' .These days I give him the raised hand and stop him in his tracks, lm sick of telling him to just say no ffs..
So in nicest possible way stop being a martyr and then complain about it. Just say no.

Coughhhhhhfffffff · 17/12/2019 07:13

I know it’s hard OP but have it at yours still with your friends

AlwaysCheddar · 17/12/2019 07:28

Just stay home FFS.

georgialondon · 17/12/2019 07:35

Say no!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/12/2019 07:38

Sorry mum, that doesn’t work for me. We will stick to the original plan at mine-your career is obviously very welcome to come with you, or you can stay at yours if you want but I will be cooking dinner at my house.

Swipe left for the next trending thread