How to say no constantly & effectively

[sayingno]

Hi everyone!

Not sure why, but I've name changed. I've been here for years under various username

I analysed my year and realised that not only that 2019 was the crappiest year of my life so far (mother in hospital, grandmother fell down the stairs and hurt her leg, car crash - and these are only the big ones), but I reached another sad conclusion.

I can't say no and a few people seem to always take advantage of it. Probably this is one of the reasons why I feel so drained, sad, and my energy levels are so low. So I decided to make it a resolution for 2020: saying no without caring that the CFs will get upset or without feeling guilty.

I have another relevant example where I might AIBU, but still curious what others think. So there's this woman I helped all year long, constantly (more than once a week sometimes). I wanted to say no so many times but I though she's my friend. So a few days ago she was sitting next to me and she had in her planner a list of people to buy for Christmas. Must've been 20-30 people, and guess what? I wasn't on that list. Now, I might be U, but I felt hurt. And it isn't about money, trust me.

So back to my original question: how did you learn to say no? Did your life change for the better?

I have a face like a slapped arse (see user name). People seem to assume that I will be intractable and unhelpful so often don’t bother to even approach me, particularly with piss-taking requests it’s great.

Maybe you could work on that aspect?

I second the book: When I say no I feel guilty. It's really good and has loads of examples and techniques.

Agree with PP, try avoid apologising or justifying WHY you are saying no. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Just because someone might think that you have the time, possessions, money etc it doesn’t mean that is a free resource for them to use!

I'm really sorry your friend did that. What a horrible feeling.

I have had success with "I won't be able to do that...I wonder if XXX could help you?" where XXX is anything from a person I know they wouldn't be chancers enough to bother, to Google, to Amazon, to a charity...you get the picture. No explanation - it just gives people an in. Their aim is to get you to devalue everything else, you have to build a wall around your answer.

I also use "Busy now...let me think!" if by text/email, and then I forget to get back to them. It's not direct at all, and we know MN loves a direct line , but it does do the job and allows everyone to save face.

FWIW I don't like "That doesn't work for me" unless you're talking about setting dates. I think (when I receive it) that it's too direct, it's like the fourth line you'd use after someone hasn't got the hint.

BTW one of the people I've used "I won't be able to help you with that, I wonder if XXX could help?" is my MIL and I've just realised she has stopped asking me to do stuff for her! Win!

I've worked on this this year OP.

The biggest thing is to say 'no thank you' or not, I can't' or 'no I am unavailable' and not give a follow on excuse. The no stands alone and does not need an excuse. Try it, it's liberating.

Oh and for people you help and never get anything back from, ditch them. They know they can use you. I have ditched several like this.

You have to get used to the quite unpleasant feeling of knowing that certain people will think you're rude or "a bitch" (I hate using that word but that's how they'll phrase it.)

I have had the ability to say no my whole life. It just doesn't faze me. But it can be lonely at times because certain people definitely think I'm not nice because I don't agree to do things I don't want to, and unfortunately, that is the expected norm for women.

I am a perfectly nice person, I just don't do things I don't want to. There are a lot of people in this world that don't like that so you can end up a bit friendless. But the friends you do have will actually like and respect you, so that's the plus side.

Just practice a lot, start small and be prepared to lose people from your life.

Sarah Millican saying "No".

I find it hard too however some people are rude and probe further. I say no that does not suit. Full stop! I have got better at it

Saying a flat “No” with zero explanation is plain rude.

If someone is being a cheeky fucker in what they're asking for then sometimes the best thing is to be plain rude back.

"No."
Silence.
Don't fill the silence.
Smile and move on.

Saying no in an incredulous laughing voice is a good way to say a straight no.

I think I may need to look at some of these links/books. I struggle to say no, especially if it's things that can do but that would be difficult.

Work example: client wants all data by the end of December. This will be difficult but I could do it but I will need to be in work for more than 12 hrs per day. Plus I'd probably need to do some of the work at the weekend/during the holidays. My logical mind (especially when writing this!) says this is ridiculous but yet I still feel guilty.

Non-work example: friend asks me to house sit/look after dog regularly (dog chews sofa when left alone). Sometimes I just don't want to because I want to see OH or just be in my own house. But I can do it, it just makes my life more complicated and sometimes it's inconvenient. On nights when I dog sit I don't get home until 2230 and get up at 0500 for work.

I have various examples but I really need to learn to say "no" for my own benefit.

Problem is I want people to like me and my boss is incredibly hardworking and I want him to think that I am too. I worry if I say no they won't like/need me anymore or will think I'm lazy.

@SayrraT People don't like doormats. They use doormats. Don't be the doormat.

Try to think of it a different way. Your boss has poor time management. The last thing he needs is someone else with the same fault. If you show results with normal effort, well organised, he'll be more impressed because he fails at this himself.

Guilt is a bit like fear. Sometimes you have to feel it but act anyway. Especially if you've got into the habit of pandering to your short term emotional needs at the expense of your longer term emotional needs.

You see you have got into the habit of allowing PresentYou to fuck over FutureYou to avoid minor immediate discomfort. Be kinder to FutureYou.

There is a big difference from example doing something once only

In contrast to doing something every day or once a week XY which takes a lot of time, energy, committment