How to say no constantly & effectively

[sayingno]

Hi everyone!

Not sure why, but I've name changed. I've been here for years under various username

I analysed my year and realised that not only that 2019 was the crappiest year of my life so far (mother in hospital, grandmother fell down the stairs and hurt her leg, car crash - and these are only the big ones), but I reached another sad conclusion.

I can't say no and a few people seem to always take advantage of it. Probably this is one of the reasons why I feel so drained, sad, and my energy levels are so low. So I decided to make it a resolution for 2020: saying no without caring that the CFs will get upset or without feeling guilty.

I have another relevant example where I might AIBU, but still curious what others think. So there's this woman I helped all year long, constantly (more than once a week sometimes). I wanted to say no so many times but I though she's my friend. So a few days ago she was sitting next to me and she had in her planner a list of people to buy for Christmas. Must've been 20-30 people, and guess what? I wasn't on that list. Now, I might be U, but I felt hurt. And it isn't about money, trust me.

So back to my original question: how did you learn to say no? Did your life change for the better?

I know people always say don't apologise, but I do apologise, because I think it is often a socially acceptable way of turning someone down.

Sorry I can't help, hope you are able to get it done.
No, sorry, I need my lead myself.

I think as long as you are serious about the no, the sorry can soften it. I think the problem comes when you are saying sorry because you still think you SHOULD be saying yes, so you are trying to make excuses and it comes over as a half hearted no.

Thanks so much guys, what an interesting thread. There are a few people that I can't afford emotionally saying yes to. I really have to learn it&quick

It's not rude to say no, it's just enforcing your boundaries.
It is rude to keep asking after someone has said no.
So when you try it, remember it isn't you being rude (or unkind or unreasonable etc).

At work I throw someone else under the bus: "oh sorry I can't but Dave would probably love taking that on"

@steppemum you know what? I actually considered that for a wee sec, but where would it get me? I just can't see the point. If she's that rude...

Have you ever considered why you can't say no. It's just that I don't have any problem doing it! And struggle to understand your predicament. Why do you think you have such trouble just saying no?

As jay55 says it’s not rude to say “no, can’t do that/doesn’t work for me”, but it is very rude for them to carry on badgering you about it. They are the rude ones not you and don't be afraid to point that out “you really don’t like taking no for an answer do you?” Put their behaviour back on them, watch their reaction, some people may genuinely not realise how they behave and then make an effort to change it - great. Or some (usually the really manipulative cheeky fucker ones) may get stroppy with you and believe me you won’t feel guilty then. It’s such a liberating feeling.

ohwheniknow

Thanks for that link!!

And everyone else for the great advice!

@Oblomov19 actually, I think that I'm "afraid" of people leaving if I say no. Then I realised this one particular person would leave anyway, she's only in for the help (the one with the Christmas present)

Read this book:

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

It’s a series of scripts for how to say no without feeling guilty, covering for example relationships & sex, requests for help or money, work issues, family issues and more.

Changed my life. It’s rare that a self-help book changes my life but this one did. You do have to practise a bit but the suggestions in this book have never let me down IIRC.

Dont answer straight away. Think about what they're asking for. Try and redirect it. E.g friend asks' I need a phone charger' you say, 'amazon are really good and cheap'. So what if you have 2. I have 2, one for upstairs another for downstairs. Or if a friend asks, "can I borrow x?' I say ' I'm using it, you can buy one from x". If someone asks you to babysit and you dont know if you want to, just say, "I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, I'll let you know tomorrow." You can arrange something to clash or just pretend, " I'm visiting my mother." Buy yourself time to think about the request. Saying yes everytime is not good. I used to do it because I was too shy and anxious to say no. I've forced myself to change because I have 2 children, and disabled parents who take up most of my time. I do not want to waste my precious few spare hours doing things I don't want.

I think you also have to look at the reasons why you can't say no. Where did that come from? Are you a people pleaser in general? Was it something that comes from childhood? Are you scared people won't like you?

It's okay to set boundaries and say no. You have rights, needs and feelings too. And practice makes perfect. I would say no in an unapologetic tone, or the softer no that does not work for me but not lots of other words. And if people don't like you, that's okay. Nothing bad will happen if they don't like you. I don't like a lot of people, and there are people who dislike me, but it has no effect on anybody if you just shrug it off, it is just life. There will be others that do like you.

@Oblomov19 same! I have no understanding of this issue, and I can't fathom how challenging it is for others (although of course I realise that it is challenging!) It saddens me that so many people are being taken advantage of due to their people pleasing nature.

OP...It's not selfish to say no...friends/family won't leave you, if you say no. Not if they really care. If they don't really care...you're better off without them anyway so it's a win-win situation 🤷‍♀️

Saying a flat “No” with zero explanation is plain rude.

from what you have said, you are afriad of them leaving, afraid of the rejection.

I think it would help to try and reframe this. You are worth more than the company of someone who is using you. You are worth more than being the but of someone's need to get stuff.
You are valuable enough to have an opinion.

Sometimes expressing that may mean people leave, either temporarily or permanently. Fine, now you have space to find new people who are not faithful.

Think about a beautiful rose, in order to flower we cut it back hard. get rid of deadwood etc. So, in order for your life to 'flower' it is ok to cut some people back who are hindering you.

These things take practice.

It might feel scary at first, if you’re worrying about people leaving etc if you say no, but most of the time nothing terrible happens if you say no.
And the people who drop you because you say, no, I won’t give you my spare charger (or whatever) - is someone who’s around you as long as you’re giving them things / time / energy really someone you want or need in your life?

If you are in the habit of automatically agreeing to whatever requests are made, then delaying the decision is a good place to start.

Saying things like

“I need to check my schedule, I’ll get back to you later”

“I need to have a think whether I can lend that out, I’ll get back to you later”

Gives you time to think without pressure whether or not you want to do it, and it’s easier to say “no” over a text, “sorry, I’m busy that day”, “sorry, I can’t lend you x”

I had a bit of a breakdown summer 2018, it was due to a lot of things but one was the amount of pressure I put on myself to please and help everyone.

My GP gave me a good bit of advice "in life there are do'ers and people who let you do, if you say no to the latter they wont be offended for long, their time will be spent finding someone else to do what they want instead'

Sad that it turned out to be true, I lost a lot of people I thought where friends in the process but It has done wonders for my mental health.

I will seconded that it is a work in progress just last week, I slipped back into old patterns, I spent three hours doing a CV for a 'friend' who then cancelled plans to go out with me the next day, I then saw her out on social media turns out the plans hadn't been cancelled I'd just be dis invited.

To the poster saying they have don't understand why people can't just say no, for me it was about my upbringing, I have a very controlling and manipulative mother that just wouldn't back off, so as a teenager/young adult it was easier just to give in. I'd never been taught how to say no which is why other people were then able to take advantage. It was only moving away, mixing with different people and watching how others dealt with similar situations, meeting my DP who has no problem with saying no and then not giving two fucks about the person's reaction that made me more assertive.
Just this morning I've had to tell someone no because it would have made my DC late for school, I got huffed and puffed at but I wasn't prepared to make my kids late in order to accommodate someone else.

OP don't dance to anybody else's tune, dance to your own!

BlueChangeling Some people are just horrible.

Thanks @deelish75

Asking for time to think about it is a good tactic, as many PP's have said.
If the request is edging towards CF status, it can be useful to react as if it was said in jest, and they can only press their case by embarrassing themselves.
Funnily enough, if you gain a reputation for not being a pushover, people can be more genuinely appreciative when you do accede to a reasonable request.
Having said that, one friend of mine still tries to guilt trip me about not being prepared to give her a lift to and from Midnight Mass; she's now realised I mean business, but makes wistful little allusions. Disappointingly for her, I just glide over the remarks......I have my own valid reasons, but don't want to be outing.
I know "It Ain't Half Hot Mum" is never screened now (for good reason) but I loved one line from the fierce sergeant major, as portrayed by Windsor Davies, "Oh dear. How sad. Never mind." all delivered in a flat, unsympathetic tone.
It does get easier, but if you've been brought up to be polite and helpful......

Don't try to boil the ocean. Baby steps.

These people will probably be the easiest to pick off: There are a few people that I can't afford emotionally saying yes to

For them you make the decision that you will say no to everything, even reasonable requests. Then it is almost a game with yourself. There is no debate over yes or no, it will be no, it's just how much you twist yourself up in agonising knots to say no.

You can also play "This month I will do no favours for anyone." It's like dry January or no spend November or whatever. Of course you might choose to break it in the right circumstances but your default is nope.

Being thought rude isn't the end of the world. Embrace being a difficult woman.

One thing I do when people ask to borrow stuff is say 'I really need it for later'

CF: oh do you have two chargers? Can I borrow one?
You: oh, I can't, I need them both for later.
CF: why what are you doing later?
You: oh you know. Something I need both chargers for!

Great video.