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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask about this situation...dp wanting to read my phone

28 replies

crossroadsmum · 16/12/2019 17:22

So, I am in the process of looking to ask my DP to leave. There is a lot going on but I just wondered about a situation that happened last Christmas.

I had a workmate, who I will call Bob, who I got on well with. About 10 years younger than me, not my type at all, didn't like a lot of his opinions but we worked on the same bank of desks and as a group we got on well. If I was ever telling a work story at home his name would occasionally be mentioned, but no more often than any one else's.

Last Christmas I left work early for a booked half day to go Christmas shopping, and an Amazon package I needed for the weekend arrived after I had gone. Bob lives reasonably local to me so he took it home and I collected it from his house. I didn't even know his address until then and I had my daughter with me. I collected it and then told DP when I got home.

He was furious with me, I shouldn't have been going to another mans house, I certainly should have checked with him first so he knew. He insisted on checking my phone messages to see if there was anything else on there that he needed to worry about. Which there wasn't!

At the time I was worried about losing him, so let him look, but I was really cross about it.

So, would any of you have done the same? Even if you had nothing to hide would you have said no? I would say no now (and he would leave / threaten to leave as he would think I was hiding something) but at the time it was important to me that he saw he was being stupid.

OP posts:

PBo83 · 16/12/2019 17:27

If I thought I had genuinely given my partner a reason for concern (maybe meeting an old flame, going away on business with a colleague etc.) then I may well tell them they are welcome to check my phone if they had any concerns (or more likely make sure I introduced them).

However, I would never accept a 'demand' to 'check' my phone particularly for something as innocent sounding as your scenario.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 17:28

Totally out of order. What a controlling, paranoid, jealous silly twat he made of himself there, eh?

I rather like in a way that you handed over your phone, hopefully with one eyebrow raised, and let him get on with it, all the while marking his card for now, when you will be telling him to get the fuck out of your life.

Don't worry about it- be grateful that he showed himself to be so not worth being with. You're definitely doing the right thing. Hope no kids-?

Original poster

crossroadsmum · 16/12/2019 17:32

Hi thank you for your answers. Nope, definitely no reason for concern, it was a demand to look for no reason other than his paranoid jealousy.

And nope no kids together, thank goodness!

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/12/2019 17:35

Hope no kids-?

I had my daughter with me.

Original poster

crossroadsmum · 16/12/2019 17:37

StillCoughingandLaughing

And nope no kids together, thank goodness

Sorry I should have been clearer, we both have kids from previous relationships.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 16/12/2019 17:37

@StillCoughingandLaughing

I think the op means that her dp is not her daughter’s father

FizzyGreenWater · 16/12/2019 17:41

Sorry I too should have been clearer, glad you have no kids together!

LittleReindeer · 16/12/2019 17:46

He’s being ridiculous. You popped to Bob’s house to collect a parcel, with your child in tow so he knows nothing happened. He must have already been paranoid about Bob to act like this.

Bananalanacake · 16/12/2019 17:54

yes. if you don't have kids together there's no point in living with him if he's a jealous arsehole. do you rent. does he pay towards the bills. I mean how easy is it to make him leave.

Original poster

crossroadsmum · 16/12/2019 18:42

I have no idea if he was worried about Bob before....I have (or had, I am no longer working there) no thoughts of him in any way other than as a work mate so it never even crossed my mind. I had no contact work him outside of work. At the time it seemed to be just the fact that I had popped over. I was at the door for 2 minutes max!

And yes we rent, but it is just me on the tenancy (my landlady knows he is here and I wanted him on the tenancy but she wanted to protect me in case it didn't work. She is my guardian angel!).

OP posts:

Loftyswops988 · 17/12/2019 14:12

That is crazy behaviour. Massive red flag. Would he have been the same if you had went to collect parcel from a female colleague? Absolutely nuts

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2019 14:20

No I wouldn't have let him look at my phone. I'd have dumped him for this last Christmas to be honest.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 17/12/2019 14:22

He's an arsehole and you'll be well shot of him once he's gone. Good on your landlady for keeping you protected.

heartsonacake · 17/12/2019 14:25

Funny the replies here when on threads where the woman wants to read her partners phone it’s all “go for it”, “no issue if there’s nothing to hide”, “you wouldn’t need to look if you didn’t have concerns” bullshit.

Of course anyone attempting to invade their partners privacy by reading through their phone, email, social media, behind their backs or not, is controlling and abusive.

peaceanddove · 17/12/2019 14:26

He sounds bonkers. Horribly insecure and paranoid behaviour. Insisting you needed to ask his permission before collecting a parcel from a colleague's house? No, no, no. Bye bye.

sifted · 17/12/2019 14:33

I wouldn't have any issues with my DP reading my phone / iPad / email/ messages etc , nothing there to hide from him , the devices are often left open and available and he access them if he wants to as he knows the codes

But it's the being accused that would annoy me so I can see where you are coming from and an insecure partner is not appealing either

GemmaGemmaGemma · 17/12/2019 14:37

I love your landlady! I think I would have reacted as you did, I'd have let him look just to keep the peace/prove a point. It's clear he had no real cause for suspicion and I would have mentally logged it to see if a pattern developed but I would have handed it over that time. I hope you can get rid soon

GemmaGemmaGemma · 17/12/2019 14:42

heartsonacake, most of those threads involve suspicious behaviour prompting the OP to look though, popping to a colleagues house to pick up a parcel isn't suspicious. I've seen plenty of female posters called out for paranoid/controlling behaviour, checking phones is usually only supported if there's obvious changes to or worrying behaviour from their partner.

MarySidney · 17/12/2019 14:44

Not forgetting 'trust your gut, op'.

puds11 · 17/12/2019 14:47

Get rid. You can go where you like without someone else’s say so. You are not a child.

userxx · 17/12/2019 14:50

Nah, you cant live like this. Awful behaviour.

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2019 14:52

Was this a total one off or part of a pattern of jealous, controlling behaviour?

heartsonacake · 17/12/2019 14:52

most of those threads involve suspicious behaviour prompting the OP to look though

GemmaGemmaGemma Irrelevant. Being suspicious is not an acceptable reason to violate your partners privacy, nothing is. It doesn’t matter if those suspicions would be proved correct or not by snooping; the fact of the matter is that thinking you have a right to go through your partners private things is controlling and abusive.

If you can’t trust your partner and need to snoop, your relationship is over anyway.

GemmaGemmaGemma · 17/12/2019 15:36

I agree any relationship is over under those circumstances, but knowledge is power for the cheated on party and often they need to know they're being cheated on before they can justify breaking up a family. Relationships should be based in honesty and if one partner is being dishonest then the other deserves to know.

gamerchick · 17/12/2019 15:40

And yes we rent, but it is just me on the tenancy (my landlady knows he is here and I wanted him on the tenancy but she wanted to protect me in case it didn't work. She is my guardian angel!)

Sounds like your landlady got his measure from the off OP.

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