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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Walking straight through the back door

69 replies

backdoormadness · 16/12/2019 15:13

Name changed as I've recently posted something about my neighbours.. I don't want them to but two and two together.

I've recently moved in with my Nan as my Grandad past away this spring.

Something that has always happened in this house is people just walking in through the back door. The window cleaner comes with his invoice.. walks in, same with family/friends/neighbours/anyone. It happened way before old age crept in and therefore not just due to mobility issues (not wanting them to walk to the front door).

It's got even stranger as someone was in the area, popped in to drop off a christmas card, didn't say hello just popped it on the kitchen side. It absolutely fries my brain that it's acceptable to pop inside someone's house and leave without announcing that they were ever there.

Is this something that everyone used to do in the past or just a strange family quirk?

I've also tried locking the door but instead of people knocking they presume we must be out.

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 16/12/2019 16:38

When we rented previously ndn complained to the estate agent and owner that I had put a padlock on our gate as the previous tenants had no issue with her coming and going as she pleased. Getting out in one piece wasn't enough for her - stupid woman!!

81Byerley · 16/12/2019 16:39

I'm 70. It was normal in our family when I was a child. And in the 70s, I remember my mother in law leaving a flask of coffee and a tin of cakes on the kitchen table if she was going out. They were for the postman and the milkman. If she was there, they'd just walk in and sit down, and they'd have coffee together.

DogAndCatPerson · 16/12/2019 16:43

Yeah, a dog isn’t a guaranteed deterrent. Mine loves strangers

TimeIhadaNameChange · 16/12/2019 16:44

I live in a rural area so it's not unheard of here. Saying that, I only walk into one friend's house (I always knock, but assume everyone's in the lounge and can't necessarily hear me). I did used to do the same with another neighbour, too, but she'd see me coming and it would save her getting up.

It definitely wouldn't happen in the city where I grew up, as everyone keeps their doors locked.

Drum2018 · 16/12/2019 16:44

It would be acceptable for family and close friends but not the post man or anyone else. Now that you are living there too I think you need to have a word with your nan about security and your right to feel secure in the house. You don't want the postman arriving in when you're in your pjs at the table. I'd lock the back door and keep it locked. Anyone having to knock will soon learn they cannot just walk in unannounced.

kateandme · 16/12/2019 16:46

Winterdaysarehere love that.asleep to at the door in less than 3 seconds.i would be happy to borrow your dogs too.i miss my girl!

Nonnymum · 16/12/2019 16:46

It was normal when I was a hold for people to walk in the back door but I'm talking g about friends and close neighbours not strangers. Always the back door never the front. Im in my 60s.

TreeSwayer · 16/12/2019 16:46

Police locally went to front doors and tried the door handle, if the front door was open they would shout "police" and then when someone inside the house came to the front door they were told they should bloody lock it.

People on that estate said but we live in a nice, friendly area, and the police said yes, and that is why the scumbags are coming here, opening front doors and nicking stuff from the hallway including car keys and taking cars.

My friend lives on another estate and her neighbour's CCTV caught known burglars trying all the door handles in the street at 3pm when lots of people who may be home are on the school run.

Yes, we had an open back door policy when I was a child in the 70s but we are 40+ years on. Lock the door and put a note on saying to use the front door and knock.

Nonnymum · 16/12/2019 16:47

Sorry for the typos. I meant to say it was normal when I was a child for people to walk in then back door without knocking

kateandme · 16/12/2019 16:47

we did this as children with next door who we were great friends with and lived in eacohters homes.but i could imagine doing it to anyone now.not if i didnt know them!

kateandme · 16/12/2019 16:50

in a place where windows a shot at,we deff wouldnt do it round here!
do you think burglars are clever like that and search out nice areas where they know it will be open doors.you dont seem to here of it too often.

NKFell · 16/12/2019 16:56

DogAndCatPerson It says "Rottweilers: Naturally protective, needs no training to defend property, watchful and territorial"....well I can only assume mine's broken

sillysmiles · 16/12/2019 17:01

Is your Nan still alive?

If so you are being unreasonable. It is her house and she and her neighbours have always behaved so it isn't your place to tell her she can't do it now. She feels safe and security is predominantly about your preception.

Spitsandspots · 16/12/2019 17:03

Is this something that everyone used to do in the past or just a strange family quirk?

Quirk I think. As a teen our house was like this. It was open house, no one ever used the front door or knocked. Didn’t seem strange at the time. DM still goes out and leaves her back door unlocked now. I don’t like being at home with my door unlocked.

bornonasunday · 16/12/2019 17:07

I’m with ‘At the Hop’ on this one!
Grew up in a smallish town, close neighbourhood where folk would briefly knock and leave stuff on kitchen table (Xmas cards, presents, fruit/veg in summer and autumn) I never really questioned it as was used to it... and we did the same with other neighbours
But... the minute I was married, had own place, baby etc, I didn’t do it, and now I’m middle-aged and grumpy, I hardly ever even answer the door - it’s always always locked!
Back door doesn’t need to be locked... 6 stone of German Shepherd would deal with any ‘casual callers’
Definitely grew up in a different era!!

Finfintytint · 16/12/2019 17:08

Only delivery people use our front door. Not even sure I can locate a key. Friends, family and neighbours shout” knock knock” before entering ( neighbours do wait for a reply though). I think it’s just a village thing.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/12/2019 17:10

YANBU not to like this custom, but YABU as it's your Nan's house, and this is the custom around where she lives (would be very often the case in rural or even semi-rural Ireland too) and that's what she and others are used to, so you need to accept that.

Bluerussian · 16/12/2019 17:16

It's not uncommon in some places for people to come in through the back door but it isn't necessary. In your place I'd keep the back door locked/bolted, maybe have a sign that says, "Please ring front door bell".

I'm nearly seventy and grew up in what was then a very pleasant, leafy suburb of London; nobody came in through back doors, they rang the front door bell. My parents had bolts on front and back doors for use when everyone was out or at night time. I have never lived anywhere in which back doors were used for anything other than access to the garden. Watching Corrie and the like I realise there are places that have a 'ginnel' or back alley which people use when visiting. Wouldn't suit me but each to their own.

user1497207191 · 16/12/2019 17:18

Just why would you leave the door unlocked anyway, regardless of your current problem? We always lock our doors whether we're in or out.

Unfortunately a precedent has been set, presumably being elderly they left the door unlocked so people could pop in without bothering them to get up etc. Things have changed now, so you need to "re-train" people to knock or ring the bell.

user1497207191 · 16/12/2019 17:19

Also, can you not lock your side gate so people can't openly walk round to the back of the house - it's a pretty serious security risk if it's open to all.

Aquilla · 16/12/2019 17:22

My PIL's postman walks straight into the house and leaves the mail on the hall table. (remote uk island)
I've had to educate my dh not to just waltz into our friends' houses.
Very quaint though. And people probably think they are doing an elderly person a favour.

Fanlights · 16/12/2019 17:26

This. Not your house, not your decision. Unless you feel your grandmother is actually at risk, I don't think you get to make changes.

I grew up with the entire world wandering in an unlocked back door as well as we lived with extended family whose house it actually was, so it included large numbers of elderly men who would stay for hours and expect to be waited on, and as all the rooms led out of one another to the single tiny bathroom by the back door, it was miserably unprivate for three girls starting their periods, who had to walk through the living room and the kitchen to get there and it's made me very keen on my own private space as an adult.

My parents still live in that house, and if I visit, I still hate that people just wander in. I don't think my parents are wild about it these days either, but when all their adult children have suggested gating off the side of the house, so that people would have to go to the front door or nothing, they say no, it would 'look strange'.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2019 17:31

I think this is in part generational. I have an older neighbour, i commented to him that if I need to drop something off sometimes his front door is wide open, the radio on, but no one answers and I can't see him outside, he looked at me like I was slightly mad and said, well you just go in then. I can't imagine doing such a thing.

I also have e friend who just walks in, via my front door if it's not locked which it often isn't . He also drops in unannounced, so i will be on the Sofa and get a right fright when he appears in the living room. Past that everyone else knocks and I also knock.

As said, I think in part it's generational.

Crinkle77 · 16/12/2019 17:31

Is your Nan happy for people just to pop in?

SirTobyBelch · 16/12/2019 17:49

Would have been completely normal for my grandparents. Less so for my parents, who lived in an area with less of an established local community, but certainly my uncles & aunts would just come in through the back door if they knew they were expected or lived just around the corner.

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