Is he trying to tell me how he really feels?

[thetis]

I've been married for 25 years. My husband is a bit careless and emotionally illiterate but generally the marriage is ok.

What I'm about to say probably sounds petty, but I'm worried about what is making him do this, so here goes.

I do a lot of cooking. When I make something slow-cooked, I like to add cider as the liquid. I don't drink cider but I always try to make sure I have a multipack of cider in the house to use when I need it.

My husband does drink cider. When I do a shop I get him (a different brand of) cider to drink at home, but sometimes when he runs out he will take a can from the multipack. I ask him please to not do this, because when I come to get one for cooking, he's sometimes taken them all and not replaced them and this makes me really cross. It's happened quite a few times. He's always really apologetic and promises it won't happen again. So today i go to get one, and guess what...?

Every time I say, this isn't about a crappy can of cider, it's about selfishness and not caring that you're inconveniencing someone who has made the point over and over to please not do this. It could just as well be anything else, it's not about the alcohol (he's not an alcoholic).

AIBU - it's just one of those things people do - or is this actually really putting 2 fingers up to me?

It does seem weird. Maybe keep the cider somewhere secret.

I think its selfish, its quite 'teenage' behaviour, finishing something and not taking any responsibility for replacing it.

I think I'd be petty and go out and get yourself a nice ready meal or takeaway or something and cook it and eat it all yourself. When he asks what's for dinner / what you're doing I'd just calmly say you were going to cook x in cider and it was gone so youre not cooking.

How he really feels about what?

That his inconsiderate cider habit is a communication of hidden contempt?

Nah, I think he's just comfy and takes it for granted that the cider fairy will replace them, and his desire for a can at that moment trumps the minor discomfort of you asking him (repeatedly) not to.

What pp said, just hide it.

Or ask him what goes through his head when he decides to take the can

I would put your cooking cider somewhere else that he doesn't know about. It sounds like he isn't going to change and even though it's annoying I think I would just move on. I don't think he's trying to tell you anything by doing it.

Yanbu. You've explained your reasoning to him.
Does he ever buy his own alcohol. Maybe get him an extra pack in the shopping if he likes to have more.
Hide your stash too.

Hide it or refuse to cook if you find no cider to use.

I think he is more of an arse than trying to tell you something.

I think I'd be petty and go out and get yourself a nice ready meal or takeaway or something and cook it and eat it all yourself. When he asks what's for dinner / what you're doing I'd just calmly say you were going to cook x in cider and it was gone so youre not cooking.

Ooh yes, me too. Might get the message across.

Theres an excellent blog post called 'she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink' in which the author points out that doing things like this are a demonstration of a fundamental lack of respect for what is important to your partner. It's not about the cider, it's the lack of consideration.

I think you’re over reacting. You don’t need to use cider as the fluid in a slow cooker. You sound quite controlling. If you’re that bothered you should hide it.

He sounds like a lazy selfish bugger.
If generally he is ok and fairly nice to you in other ways then I don’t think it’s passive aggressive contempt at play but a massive degree of taking you for granted.

I don’t think YABU for being upset about this when you’ve asked him multiple times not to use something - it’s not even the same brand ffs. So basically bc he can’t be arsed to nip to the shops and top up his own brand (or even to ask you if you’re the shopper) when he’s run out he’ll just go to the next best thing. It’s lazy and inconsiderate at best.

I’d probably stop buying them altogether bc I’m that petty but perhaps put them someone else or even just buy them when you know you might like to get the slow cooker out (I mean we all live near a corner shop or supermarket! Even those in the sticks can get to one within 20 mins these days)

No you shouldn't hide it. Why should you have to take extra precautions for something not to happen, to work around him in the same way you'd make sure, for example, that the dog can't get into the Christmas chocolates?

I get really puzzled by folk suggesting stuff like 'hide the cider' as if that's normal, as if you literally have to work around another adult as if they are some kind of animal that can't understand or be expected to work like a normal human. For one thing it's so infantilising, so hardly a 'DH-friendly solution deep down.

What you do is stop cooking next time. You're putting yourself out to make a meal which benefits him too, right? So if he literally wants to stick two fingers up at you in this way, or if he's simply too lazy to replace the cans or whatever, then you say well fuck you then. Actions = consequences.

Slow cooker eh?

'Oh sorry DH forgot to say - you'll be in by now I guess- I was going to do a slow cooked x tonight but once again there's no cider, I've grabbed myself some dinner here and am staying late and going straight to Xs, am sure you'll find yourself something to eat.'

'Oh sorry no I didn't bother to buy the cider you like, you just grab whatever's there and it just causes an argument so I'm not 'doing' cider replacements. What's that? I should have made sure there's some in? Now why would that be, when you can't be arsed to do that for my cooking?'

katmarie is that the one where the wife asked him say ‘fuck you, , this is your job’ every time he left a dirty dish out? I might be mixing up two different stories but the key takeaway was the same. Unless you’ve been in a relationship like this it’s hard to understand how crappy it really feels to be treated like this. You feel silly for getting upset over ‘little’ things but it all adds up to a picture of complete disrespect.

OP, he is either completely thoughtless and/or he actually does have a problem with alcohol. Possibly both. Being so desperate for a cider that you drink the cooking cider your wife has repeatedly asked you not to drink seems like a big red flag to me.

Buy alcohol free stuff... If he is anything like my hubby he will soon stop!

Just hide it! Problem solved.

Definitely hide it from him, even tho you shouldnt have to as hes a grown adult and should take in what you have said

Mine does it with baking chocolate. It is infuriating!

Everything Fizzy said.

When there's no more, put a note in the pave where the cider usually is. It reads there is no cider fairy. there is no cider.

Pave = place.

That is really annoying.

Yes it's just a can of cider, but it's to cook with. He has his own. I'd love to know what goes through their mind when they take the last of something, but knowing blinking blokes so far, it's probably "yeah I just fancy that" with no consideration for anyone else!

Tell him to go to the shop on a more frequent basis

Or stockpile him some and wrap it up for Christmas

I'd put a big label on it: "DO NOT EVEN THINK OF USING THIS - IT IS FOR COOKING". It would be interesting to see what he did!

Just stop buying cider until he grows up .

I think this is a bit odd really. He's an adult, and if he fancies a food item that is in his own kitchen, I think he should be able to help himself. I love chocolate and if dp had a little stash for cooking, and I fancied eating it, I would. And I wouldn't expect to be told off for it either.

The problem is that you don't know it's gone until you come to use it. Could you have a weekly shopping list somewhere in the kitchen, and then you can both add to it when you use the last of the cider or anything else?

Or make sure that whoever is responsible for the weekly shop always buys his cider as routine?

It does seem like a minor issue to me, if everything else is ok, and easily solvable without him being made to feel guilty for consuming something from his own kitchen.

Pmsl at the people saying you should hide it then.

He may not be an alcoholic but he certainly can't control himself with alcohol if he can't possibly leave your cans alone. He either has more of a problem than you realise or he really doesn't give a shit that it inconveniences you.