Is he trying to tell me how he really feels?

[thetis]

I've been married for 25 years. My husband is a bit careless and emotionally illiterate but generally the marriage is ok.

What I'm about to say probably sounds petty, but I'm worried about what is making him do this, so here goes.

I do a lot of cooking. When I make something slow-cooked, I like to add cider as the liquid. I don't drink cider but I always try to make sure I have a multipack of cider in the house to use when I need it.

My husband does drink cider. When I do a shop I get him (a different brand of) cider to drink at home, but sometimes when he runs out he will take a can from the multipack. I ask him please to not do this, because when I come to get one for cooking, he's sometimes taken them all and not replaced them and this makes me really cross. It's happened quite a few times. He's always really apologetic and promises it won't happen again. So today i go to get one, and guess what...?

Every time I say, this isn't about a crappy can of cider, it's about selfishness and not caring that you're inconveniencing someone who has made the point over and over to please not do this. It could just as well be anything else, it's not about the alcohol (he's not an alcoholic).

AIBU - it's just one of those things people do - or is this actually really putting 2 fingers up to me?

Why not just send him out in the cold / wet etc each and everything to replace it ?

If youre slow cooking anyway it’s not like it’s urgent that miniute.

Christ, he likes cider, there’s cider in the house, he drinks cider!
Send him to Sainsbury for more cider, do you live in the Outer Hebrides?
Or divorce him..because that would be totally proportionate!

It does seem like a minor issue to me, if everything else is ok

Something like this is never an isolated occurrence. I would put money on there being many, many other examples of his thoughtless behaviour. OP even starts her post with ‘My husband is a bit careless and emotionally illiterate...’

What a lazy, disrespectful bastard.

Let me guess, he’s spent 25 years doing stuff like this which you’ve overlooked because in the grand scheme of things - who cares? You can hide the chocolate he eats, the cider he drinks, the washing that ruins when he grudgingly puts a load in.

So this has become the straw that might break the camels back.

I’d make him go out and get it. He can do the shop. He can replace stuff he’s eaten/drunk. He can actually start thinking before he acts.

Also read this and see if it resonates. It’s been mentioned a few times but it’s worth it.

Or this one, about how women are constantly picking up the slack.

If op posted that she liked cider, drank a cider and then got told off for drinking it because it was her dp's special cider she'd be told that he's controlling and unreasonable and what's the big deal.

OP is on here saying she's sick of him drinking her cooking cider. Her DH is probably posting somewhere that he's sick of being told off for drinking the special cider.

OP says he's emotionally illiterate. Her DH probably thinks she's got her faults too.

" would put money on there being many, many other examples of his thoughtless behaviour."

In rl this would be nothing. A bugbear between an established married couple, an irritation. It's only on mn that such things have to be indicative of something more serious.

In rl this would be nothing. A bugbear between an established married couple, an irritation.

But in ‘rl’ many of us here have lived with the man who drinks the cider/leaves his glass on the side/whatever it is and know that it sometimes isn’t just an irritation, it’s part of a much bigger pattern of thoughtless behaviour. None of us have sufficient context to know for certain what it means in OP’s relationship but the fact that she’s posting here and characterising her husband as thoughtless in general suggests that it may very well be part of something bigger.

If my wonderful husband drank my cooking cider I wouldn’t give a monkey’s. Or if he left his glass next to the dishwasher. That’s because I know he would make a mental note to buy (and would indeed buy) more cider the next day. He’d put the glass away the next time he loaded the dishwasher. Because he is a good partner and we have a healthy, respectful, supportive relationship. My ex, on the other hand, was the guy who would never have replaced the cider and would leave the glasses piling up for days because he did not give a shit about me, my time or my wishes!

I do this, it's usually because I have no willpower when a bit pissed so go for it despite the warning. I'd hide the cider

@FizzyGreenWater but it's also his drink as well as hers? In his house and paid 50% with his wage.... so why can't he drink it? He's not a child

Although I suppose it's slightly different because I do all the cooking/ food shopping so am not inconveniencing anyone

If you're the one who does the shopping, just make sure there is always a decent supply of the one he likes to drink.
If he's the one that does the shopping, make you've alerted him to the need for a decent supply of cooking cider.

Maybe my husband and I are weird, but we wouldn't eat or drink something the other person bought without checking it was OK. (This is barring basic staples like bread and
cheese and milk which are understood to be communal... Unless it's my fancy cheese!) We see that as impolite. The other person might have plans for it and I could easily eat or drink something else.

All of these people saying "just hide it" as if the man can't control himself, even after repeatedly being asked to stop doing something... No, the woman should change her behaviour to make sure she does not get taken advantage of. Wonderful.

I'd just tell him he can cook the dinner that night(next time he does it).

Why should you be the one put out, having to try and figure out what to make that night for everyone, just because he couldn't follow simple instruction?

He's a grown up. His actions have consequences. They should his consequences to bare, not yours.

If you’ve been married 25 years and this is your major gripe, you’re doing very well.

Decant a couple of ciders into Tupperware and freeze them. Then you’ve always got some in and he won’t touch it.

I was about to say freeze some cider to use, but was beaten to it.

Maybe he doesn't actually like the slow cooked food always having cider in it so drinks it first. It does sound disgusting.

My DH is bloody annoying but I truly wouldn't be bothered about this situation.

This would really annoy me! It's only a small thing but you've asked him lots of times, how hard can it be for him to buy cider when he takes the last can.

I agree with the posters saying to refuse to cook dinner if this happens again.

YANBU. It’s often the accumulation of behaviour like this that damages relationships.

Hiding or freezing cider might prevent him from drinking it but that’s not the point because if it was available, you know he would drink it and not let you know. After all, it’s not as if you are asking him to replace it or do anything more difficult than just letting you know.

I’m afraid I would be really petty and start to cook meals for myself (with cider) and separate ones for him (without and also without anything extra to make it taste nice) and then tell him it’s because he drank the cider but not let him know you have nice tasting food.