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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tell me it's just my overactive brain...

44 replies

H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 13:38

Have NC for this!

I'm prepared to be told I'm being a bit batshit/BU, but wanted a second opinion/somewhere to offload.

Basically, it's to do with DH's phone battery life (I know, I know, this already sounds nuts huh). He charges his phone overnight every night, so that it gets a full charge and then he obviously takes it in to work with him every day.
He doesn't use his phone whilst at work, apart from maybe responding to one or two of my messages regarding dinner or the DC's, and he listens to music on the train to and from work, but that's about it. So, minimal usage really. Anything he needs to 'look up' while at work, is done on the tablets/laptops/computers - he doesn't work from his phone basically. However, every day when he gets in from work, he needs to put his phone on charge for a while, otherwise it doesn't have enough battery to get him through the evening/up until we head to bed.

That in itself, doesn't seem weird (we all know how shocking iPhone batteries can be, and most of us are used to having to frequently charge them... not that dh's phone is an iPhone though) but here's what's piqued my interest. Of a weekend, his phone never needs to be charged half way through the day/in the evening, yet I'd argue he must be/is definitely using his phone more when he's at home, as opposed to when he's at work.

I know it seems ridiculous, but our marriage suffered an infidelity last year (he kissed someone else but had been messaging them prior to said kiss happening, all of which I was blissfully unaware of at the time), so my 'broken trust brain' now thinks - 'Why is his battery draining so quickly when it supposedly doesn't get used at work? Maybe he's constantly messaging someone again?'.

His phone is pretty much always in his possession too, he virtually never leaves it laying around unless it's being charged. Even when he takes the DC's through to bed, he'll pick his phone up off of the sofa and put it in his pocket.

I'm aware I'm probably MASSIVELY over thinking this likely non issue, and I hate that this is the way my brain works now since he cheated on me. I am trying to trust him again, but it's proving to be a very long, drawn out process, and I don't think I fully realised how long it takes to fully let go of being cheated on, and the ramifications that come from having the trust ripped away ie; overthinking everything/constantly having my guard up.

Any thoughts/insights are all welcome. Even just to tell me I'm being stupid!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 13:42

His phone isn't the issue, you don't trust him, which is understandable

Original poster
H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 13:46

You're right Shox, I don't. At least not yet anyway. I really am trying to, but since everything happened, I can't help but have my guard up and I find myself noticing things that I would never have given a second thought to.

OP posts:
FruityWidow · 16/12/2019 13:50

Is he listening to music at work using a internet connected app like youtube? That is what usually drinks my battery.

GunpowderGelatine · 16/12/2019 13:52

I think you are overthinking it tremendously - which is an understandable hangover from the cheating. You need to work on trust issues if you have decided to stay with him

HeadSpin5 · 16/12/2019 13:56

Listening to music can drain iPhone batteries faster than you think if you haven’t downloaded it first- especially if he’s also absentminded surfing whilst commuting. I think if he was draining the battery due to nefarious reasons, surely he would just charge it at work to cover his back? Agree with PP that the battery itself isn’t the issue, it’s the fact you don’t trust him (not saying unreasonable for that!)

HamsterInSpecs · 16/12/2019 13:57

The phone is just a minor issue in the grand scale of things. Relationships need trust, and your trust has been depleted since the cheating incident. Is this how you want to continue your life? Your mind constantly on edge and paranoid over seemingly small things that could make up a bigger picture? It’s no life constantly having your guard up.

You don’t trust him. He doesn’t respect you. Do you still respect him after what he did? How are you meant to continue a meaningful relationship without these two components?

cyrilted · 16/12/2019 13:57

I listen to a radio app at work which massively drains my battery so could be something like that? Don't be too hard on yourself for questioning it though, I'd be exactly the same if I had been cheated on

Areyoufree · 16/12/2019 13:58

Constant messaging wouldn't drain the phone. Watching videos, playing games, listening to music has a much bigger impact on battery life. He may also be browsing the web on the train.

NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 14:07

You shouldn't be putting in the work to brainwash yourself into trusting him: he should be doing all the work to prove his trustworthiness to you!

If he is serious about that, he needs to practise transparency with his phone.

Why not share your perplexity over the phone battery and his extreme privacy with his phone with him and ask him to be totally open about his phone usage?

If he grows angry, defensive or indignant, you have your answer: he's in constant contact with someone whenever he isn't at home.

You're not stupid; you know something odd is going on here. You must not waste your emotional energy managing cognitive dissonance created by the contradiction between his words and actions.

So sorry you are grappling with this; it's most unfair of him.

Original poster
H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 14:07

Him and the staff in his office stream Spotify via a pc.. so he's not rinsing his battery that way. He also doesn't have an iPhone so I know it's not just a general shitty battery not doing its job properly.

Yeah, I know I probably am just overthinking it all. It's hard not to though. I went from trusting him more than I have ever, with anyone else, to having all of that stripped away in what felt like a blink of an eye. I do want to be able to trust him again, as noticing things that may or may not be there is clearly no way to live, I just don't know how to stop my negative thought process. How do you drown out that inner voice that's always on the look out? I never used to be like this, suspecting anything and everything, paranoid but now it's like my default and I don't want it to be.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 14:12

GunpowderGelatine, OP doesn't have 'trust issues'; her DH has trustworthiness issues. His issue; not hers. He's the one who needs to work on it.

Yetanotherwinter · 16/12/2019 14:13

I think the biggest clue is that he takes his phone everywhere with him, even to put the kids to bed. He’s clearly hiding something. I think it’s understandable that you’d be suspicious but I would be too if my hubby was doing that with his phone. Do you know his pass code and could you look at it whilst he’s asleep.

NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 14:18

Would he be able to get away with video calls while at work, OP? People who aren't cheating and don't have snooping partners don't usually have their phones glued to them like that.

bridgetreilly · 16/12/2019 14:21

He also doesn't have an iPhone so I know it's not just a general shitty battery not doing its job properly.

Other phones can have terrible batteries too. And I agree with pps, it could easily be the music streaming.

I totally understand why you don't trust him, but I don't really think this specific issue is cause for concern.

Garlicinyoursoul · 16/12/2019 14:22

How did you find out he kissed someone? Did he own up, was his hand forced by her or did you find out? Do you feel he minimised it and there was more to it than just a kiss and some messages?
I only ask as if he owned up if his own accord I’d be less inclined to say he’s up to something, but then it’s going to always feel like he is until he can regain your trust.

I’d sit down with him and explain how you feel and your suspicions, somebody who has nothing to hide may be a little bit upset, but then will look at ways to rectify the issue.

Original poster
H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 14:23

He does have his own, very small office tucked away to the side of where the rest of his 'main' colleagues are. Theoretically he could do anything whilst in there and no one would know or see what he was up to.

It's definitely a combination of the constant drained battery, and the reluctance towards leaving his phone laying about. The two things could both be entirely innocent and it's just my warped suspicions!

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 16/12/2019 14:24

I don’t think you’re overthinking at all Confused

He says he doesn’t use his phone at work, but it’s never got a good charge when he comes home.

He never leaves it alone.

He’s cheated - recently.

The only caveat to the charging would be if he’s using it on the commute home - GPS and playing music through my radio drains my battery really fast. Having said that, I charge my phone at work.

memememe · 16/12/2019 14:25

another point to consider is that using data drains the battery faster than wifi and if he has apps that run in the background they will be constantly updating on his journey.

i think the issue is trust. my hubby takes his phone everywhere with him when he leaves the room etc and i trust him to not be having an affair. hes an arse in otherways though...

NannyPear · 16/12/2019 14:25

I find that my phone battery dies quicker outside because it's using and constantly searching for 4G whereas at home it predominantly uses the wi-fi? I have no idea if this is an actual thing but could be 🤷🏻‍♀️

Obviously there are bigger issues than phone battery life here though I understand why Flowers

ActualHornist · 16/12/2019 14:27

Please don’t dig yourself with ‘warped suspicions’. He cheated on you last year. It’s totally normal to not be able to trust him after that. It’s not a warped to have a suspicion when he’s acting suspicious.

The way you’re wording your posts, so apologetic like you’ve done something wrong, makes me think that he only told you the bare minimum as he was found out, and that he expects you to be ‘over it’ because he is.

Apologies if I’m wrong but you’re being hard on yourself when it’s him and him alone that has caused you to distrust him Flowers

Original poster
H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 14:28

Re: the cheating/how I found out about it -

He went out one evening with a bunch of friends/old colleagues and gave me a weird version of events as to how he got home. It didn't sit right with me, so I questioned him on it and told him it sounded like he was feeding me bullshit, but he stuck to his nonsense story nonetheless. Two days later, I found a phone that was linked up to his in-use phone... discovered the messages that suggested something had gone on and they was planning their next 'hang out' for the following month. I obviously pulled him up on everything, he initially said nothing happened, then his story changed to 'they nearly kissed', then he eventually told me they kissed.

So he wasn't exactly forthcoming and honest about the cheating.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2019 14:28

Forget the phone, its a total red herring. It really doesn't matter.

Work on why you don't trust him. You may have valid reasons not to... it sounds like these are quite valid.

I'm quite scorched earth about this and it may not help but I think once someone has been unfaithful you will never really trust them again. I think you have to decide whether or not you can live with this low level of trust or not and then act accordingly.

What has happened since the infidelity? Have you talked about it? Has he promised not to do it again

In the nicest possible way, looking at peripheral non-issues like his phone battery life are never going to get you to the heart of this issue. Either you trust him enough to move forward or you don't. Fixating on things like this which you can't ever control and which won't really amount to anything other than generating more paranoia will drive you mad. Look at the real issue.

Grumpos · 16/12/2019 14:29

My iphone is fairly old now and the battery is shocking, even when I’m not using it much.

If I stream music then it would need charging definitely. It’s more than likely the music apps which are draining the battery.
It would make sense bc he’s generally using these on a commute and not a weekend.

But I don’t blame you for being paranoid. I have absolutely no reason to be paranoid but yday I saw a message from “Jenny” pop up on DP phone and he didn’t open it just put it in his pocket....I was sat there thinking WHO THE FUCK IS JENNY!!!!
Roll on a few hours later as we’re getting sorted for bed I picked up his phone to pass to him from the sofa and the notification was from JOHNNY not Jenny Blush
Awkward.

I hope for all your sake he just needs a new battery / phone.

Panpastels · 16/12/2019 14:30

On the settings (on an iPhone anyway) the battery bit says what apps etc have been used most to drain the battery?

Garlicinyoursoul · 16/12/2019 14:32

Yeah it sounds like he’s minimised it completely, frankly I would t believe it was just a kiss but that’s just me. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he was still carrying it on, if not with her with someone else.
I’d be having it out with him. Hope you’re ok OP Flowers

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