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AIBU?

Tell me it's just my overactive brain...

44 replies

H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 13:38

Have NC for this!

I'm prepared to be told I'm being a bit batshit/BU, but wanted a second opinion/somewhere to offload.

Basically, it's to do with DH's phone battery life (I know, I know, this already sounds nuts huh). He charges his phone overnight every night, so that it gets a full charge and then he obviously takes it in to work with him every day.
He doesn't use his phone whilst at work, apart from maybe responding to one or two of my messages regarding dinner or the DC's, and he listens to music on the train to and from work, but that's about it. So, minimal usage really. Anything he needs to 'look up' while at work, is done on the tablets/laptops/computers - he doesn't work from his phone basically. However, every day when he gets in from work, he needs to put his phone on charge for a while, otherwise it doesn't have enough battery to get him through the evening/up until we head to bed.

That in itself, doesn't seem weird (we all know how shocking iPhone batteries can be, and most of us are used to having to frequently charge them... not that dh's phone is an iPhone though) but here's what's piqued my interest. Of a weekend, his phone never needs to be charged half way through the day/in the evening, yet I'd argue he must be/is definitely using his phone more when he's at home, as opposed to when he's at work.

I know it seems ridiculous, but our marriage suffered an infidelity last year (he kissed someone else but had been messaging them prior to said kiss happening, all of which I was blissfully unaware of at the time), so my 'broken trust brain' now thinks - 'Why is his battery draining so quickly when it supposedly doesn't get used at work? Maybe he's constantly messaging someone again?'.

His phone is pretty much always in his possession too, he virtually never leaves it laying around unless it's being charged. Even when he takes the DC's through to bed, he'll pick his phone up off of the sofa and put it in his pocket.

I'm aware I'm probably MASSIVELY over thinking this likely non issue, and I hate that this is the way my brain works now since he cheated on me. I am trying to trust him again, but it's proving to be a very long, drawn out process, and I don't think I fully realised how long it takes to fully let go of being cheated on, and the ramifications that come from having the trust ripped away ie; overthinking everything/constantly having my guard up.

Any thoughts/insights are all welcome. Even just to tell me I'm being stupid!

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H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 14:40

Hmmm, so maybe it is the streaming through 4G that's doing it then. As he streams via WiFi at home; Spotify when making dinner, videos when taking baths etc and his battery doesn't drain then. So I guess that's one possibility.

Actual, yeah he pretty much did expect me to be over it. In the early days/first few raw months, I did try and speak to him about it a couple times, but was almost always shot down, because he didn't want to hear about it/just wanted us to 'be able to move on from it', so in a sense, I never really got my closure as it was more a case of "ok this huge thing has happened, but you're going to sweep it under the rug"

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ViaSacra · 16/12/2019 14:44

I listen to music on the train on my way to work - after an hour my iPhone battery is about 60%.

It drains the battery far faster than anything else, in my experience.

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TinyTear · 16/12/2019 14:44

I do the same with my phone and definitely not cheating!

Pokemon Go, Mario Kart, commuting on the tube (all the searching for wifi drains battery) simple things...

and i take the phone with me to put the kids to bed, it's when i do my gaming admin while the lights are off and I am counting gently to 200, i am also doing phone stuff

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NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 14:45

I don't think people make secret arrangement to meet up and just kiss, OP. They just don't. A quick kiss is behind the office kitchen door or in an overlooked corner at the office Christmas do.

He may have been less than totally honest with you. Did you stop digging because you were afraid you might find the body? If you sensed there was more to dig for and held back, no wonder you can't find it in yourself to trust him; you could be 100% right not to trust him.

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H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 14:49

With the DC's bedtime, there's literally no time to sit around playing with your phone. It's more a case of wrangling them in to their rooms, quickly getting them in their beds, saying goodnight and walking out again. There's no sitting down and rocking babies involved.

I didn't stop digging through fear no, I stopped digging because I questioned him on the messages that I was able to see - that quite clearly hinted that something had gone on - he gave me his version events, deleted and blocked the woman who he kissed and that was that. I had nothing else to search or go on/go by. My trail went cold, so to speak so I had to like or lump his story.

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Thefaceofboe · 16/12/2019 14:49

My battery is just fucked. I work 8-6 in a nursery with an hour lunch break and my phone is on 20% when I finish even tho it’s not being used

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H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 14:51

It's not that his battery is dead after so called minimal use at work that caught my eye, it's that it needs charging every day, Monday to Friday, yet he watches things, streams thing and is constantly on social media at the weekend but his battery doesn't seem to drain on a Saturday and Sunday

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Straycatstrut · 16/12/2019 15:03

Mine did the same thing with his, but it was the absolute possessiveness over it that I noticed the most. He guarded the damn thing with his life, whereas I'd leave mine on the table etc. His went to the toilet with him... it was this along with other suspicious behaviour that lead to me discovering he was cheating. Not one time did I get his phone and look through it. It was only when we were in Tenerife and DS1 was playing on it - Ex went to the toilet - DS1 finished and gave the phone to me (Probably the first time I'd ever touched it!), that a message popped up from her and that was it.

I really hope it's all in your mind OP but you need to know one way or another. I'd try and take a look at his phone - ask him to borrow it or something and see how he reacts, that should tell you everything.

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Equanimitas · 16/12/2019 15:04

He may have apps running which drain the battery more when he's out and about, as map apps do. Or he could be playing games or looking at things on the phone when travelling. There are all sorts of possible explanations.

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LadyFlumpalot · 16/12/2019 17:08

Just a thought, I only wear my smart watch during the week and I find that it kills my phone battery - does he maybe (grasping at straws) do something similar?

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Brimful · 16/12/2019 17:14

You're understandably on high alert after his actions last year.

It does, sadly, sound like more went on than he's admitted to. His defensiveness, his refusal to discuss what happened openly with you and his insistence that you "get over it" would be red flags to me.

I'm not overly suspicious about the battery, (numerous explainations) but a lot suspicious that he always has his phone on him.

Listen to your gut, OP.

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H2OhhNo · 16/12/2019 17:24

No, no smart watch or anything of the sort. I guess without outright asking him what he's doing to drain the battery - and looking like a total and utter nutcase in the process - I'll never really know

Sadly Brimful, I think you're probably right. I was never really satisfied with the explanation I got from him, nor have I ever been okay with any talks of his infidelity being immediately shot down by him. I know I'd do well to just try and totally forget about it all, and really do my best to move on from it, but all the while I deep down think more happened than he let on/was fed half truths, it's hard for me to close the book IYSWIM.

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msmith501 · 16/12/2019 17:25

Open apps? WiFi and Bluetooth switched on when not in use... they use a lot of power. Go into the settings / battery and look at what is using the power the most. Also look at battery performance - until two weeks ago, my iPhone 6plus only charged to a max of 80% and was brill until it got to 20% and then Flatlined in five mins.

.... went into eBay, AAA batteries I think - £5:45 for a new battery. A YouTube video later and I've installed it myself. Gone from lasting 4 - 5 hours even when not used to two days plus!

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Pogmella · 16/12/2019 17:46

Another one here whose Exh went from casually letting me use his phone as the prime tv remote to being glued to the damn thing. He slept with it under his pillow, took it into the shower and every bathroom visit. It was the most obvious sign of his affair.

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SimonJT · 16/12/2019 17:50

Mine doesn’t last long on work days due to 4g connectivity and sweatcoin, when I’m at home I get a full day out of my battery as I’m using wifi.

If it wasn’t the phone it would be something else as this is about trust, not a phone battery.

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DrManhattan · 16/12/2019 17:51

My battery depletes really quickly when listening to music or YouTube.
I would be concerned about him being glued to his phone though....

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Tattooedmama · 16/12/2019 17:54

YADNU im not surprised you feel this way

Is he using YouTube for music? As that can drain battery

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MashedChristmasPud · 16/12/2019 18:00

Right now DH is in the other room. His phone is face up on the coffee table in here where I am.

If someone’s phone is glued to them they have something to hide.

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troutknickers · 16/12/2019 18:12

Does he have snapchat? My battery dies hideously using it, and I know some cheaters use it to chat to the other person because the chat deletes itself once you close it up. You can also call people through it.

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