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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re MiL and visiting over Christmas

39 replies

Ellybellyboo · 16/12/2019 11:52

Sorry, another MiL and Christmas thread

12 years ago we moved 200ish miles away from the area we grew up.

At Christmas we’ve always travelled back to our families on Christmas Eve (they all live near each other still) and divided time between my family and DH’s and returned the day after Boxing Day

We’ve never had Christmas here so this year we decided we are staying home - we want to walk the dog and have bacon sarnies on the beach Christmas morning. DD2 has a pony and wants to see her Christmas Day, she also wants to go to the Boxing Day bloodhounds meet. DD1 is going out on the piss with her mates Christmas Eve and stuff like that

We told everyone up front as soon as Christmas talk started and have been clear ever since that we are staying here this year but everyone was more than welcome to come to us.

My parents and brother and SiL are coming down for a few days just after Christmas

MiL and Step-FiL have never visited us here (despite several invitations) and always spend Christmas Day with DH’s sister (we always saw them Boxing Day). They’re both fit and healthy, not elderly and both drive, although they never visited us when we lived 10 minutes away either

DH phoned her on Saturday - we were going to courier up a box of presents and he just wanted to check whether it would be best to send it to their home address or FiL’s work address.

Huge great strop from MiL - not sure whether wires have been crossed or she just didn’t listen when we clearly said about 10 million times we weren’t going back at all this year - but she’s assumed that we were going back for New Year.

Apparently we are selfish, we’ve ruined Christmas, I need to cancel my family’s visit as it’s not fair, etc

DH has spoken to her and been very firm that we are not going back but they are more than welcome to visit us.

I have absolutely no patience for any of this, she is a grown woman throwing a tantrum and I’ve had enough. She does this all the bloody time when she doesn’t get her own way over something so AIBU to say I am not visiting her again until she gets her backside down here to see us

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 16/12/2019 12:00

People get very set in their ways about Christmas, and struggle when things change, such as when their kids grow up and want to spend it with their partner etc.

Sadly, you have to be firm, and just do what's right for you.

You have ruined Christmas at all. It sounds to me like you're about to have one of your best!

I wish I was strong enough to do what I wanted to at Christmas, instead of what my family expect me to. Good for you that you are :).

SunshineAngel · 16/12/2019 12:01

Sorry that should have said you have NOT ruined Christmas at all. What a bad place to choose for a mistake, I'm sorry!

Time4change2018 · 16/12/2019 12:05

Enjoy your Christmas your way. Stay firm and don't get drawn into the dramatics.
Re not going back until they cone to you. That's a different argument which you may be making a rod for your back especially if you visit the local area to see your family.
Just do what feels right and enjoy having new boundaries..... I always reminder extended family who preach about visiting that the journey is the same to me as it is from me to them :-)

Honeyroar · 16/12/2019 12:06

Yanbu. I’d rather spend my Xmas with the dog and pony than her too! There’s a lot you could say, but probably the best thing to do is leave her stewing until she is calm enough and mature enough to apologise. And if she doesn’t then you’ve every excuse not to visit.

QueenofallIsee · 16/12/2019 12:08

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to tell her to grow up and stop dancing to her tune OP. I’d lay money on her having had Christmas her way with her children!

sue51 · 16/12/2019 12:13

Im a mil and would never think of dictating to my adult children in this way. Ignore her the same ax you would do with a 3 year old having a tantrum. Do not engage or explain as that appears to have got you nowhere.

Original poster
Ellybellyboo · 16/12/2019 12:16

Thanks all!

I have just completely run out of patience with her - actually I’ve run out of patience with just about everything at the moment, I’m knackered and was looking forward to 2 weeks off work with no stress, no long journeys and just chilling out

I’ve had years of this behaviour and I’ve had enough

We’ve never visited for New Year so god knows where she got that from

DH has been firm with her but it seems to go in one ear and out the other

OP posts:
MrsCasares · 16/12/2019 12:19

Who made her the boss of Christmas? I think your Christmas sounds lovely. As a pp said, I bet she had Christmas the way she liked when her children were younger.

Yanbu. Have a lovely Christmas Day.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 16/12/2019 12:22

DH has been firm with her but it seems to go in one ear and out the other

That's because she's only interested in what she wants.

OneDay10 · 16/12/2019 12:23

The most ridiculous part of this is that you have done this for 12years. Have your kids never spent xmas in their own home for the past 12 years??

Original poster
Ellybellyboo · 16/12/2019 12:37

No, but they’ve always wanted to go back and visit family in previous years

DD1 has recently turned 18 and wants to go off with her mates more now - she’s going to the local cheesy nightclub Christmas and New Years eves. DD2 joined the local Bloodhounds this year

I’d have put my foot down years ago if they hadn’t

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 16/12/2019 13:06

So - just to be clear - they're turning down bacon sarnies on the beach in favour of having a ridiculous strop? Crack on OP!
Can I come? Grin

TopOftheNaughtyList · 16/12/2019 13:17

It annoys me to hear of these family members that never take turns to visit but expect it all their own way. I can't imagine doing that to my own DCs once they leave home. The fact they never visited when you were local makes it so much worse.

Good for you for making a stand this year and good to hear that you have a supportive DH who is being firm with his own parents. Grandparents have to accept that once their DGC grow up they have lives of their own and want to do things with their friends, as well as family, at Christmas.

Have a good one OP. Bacon sarnies on the beach sounds fabulous!

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 16/12/2019 13:43

Not near a beach (shame) but bacon sarnies sound great.

TheGardenFairy · 16/12/2019 13:43

Stick to your guns. If In laws really want to see you and DC they will make the effort to come to you at some point.

There comes a time in every family, especially when dc are teenagers and want to do their own thing, to stay home and have a quiet, relaxing family Christmas - without interference. Have a great Christmas 🥂🍾

CoraPirbright · 16/12/2019 14:00

OMG bacon sarnies on the beach on Christmas morning......not sure life gets any better than that! Added bonus that stropping MIL is finally being told that her way is not the only way!!

Freddiefox · 16/12/2019 14:37

Yanbu, my ex mil never visited us and expected to be visited, perfectly healthy.
She never visited in the end, showed she can do it

ToniHargis · 16/12/2019 14:42

Just ignore it. It sounds like your OH is doing a decent job in not caving in to her, & you're not going to give in to her. Let her have her tantrum Once she sees that it's not getting her anywhere. they will lose their attraction to her.

EL8888 · 16/12/2019 14:55

Ignore her and don’t feed into it. Mysteriously my ex MIL would listen / would forget things she didn’t like e.g. us not doing what she wants. You have made lots of effort over the years and now it’s time to do what want

Original poster
Ellybellyboo · 16/12/2019 15:57

Thanks all!

We lucky in that we live a 10 minute walk from the beach so I’m looking forward to a nice walk, bacon sarnies then pop in the pub on the way back home.

Not having to do everything to other people’s timings, watching shit on TV that I want to watch - I can’t wait.

She’s messaged DH this afternoon to say that she’ll miss our children desperately and it won’t be Christmas without them.

She always spends Christmas Day with SiL - SiL is the golden child and her children are the golden grandchildren. Most of the year she couldn’t give a shit about our kids so I’m not overly sympathetic

OP posts:
holidayhelpp · 16/12/2019 19:42

Bloodhounds meet Hmm

PinkiOcelot · 16/12/2019 19:55

Ahhh how sad. Never mind!
Stuff her! Your plans sound great.

Cohle · 16/12/2019 20:11

The best way I've learnt to deal with in-laws like this is to email things to confirm after you've discussed it with them. That way when MIL kicks off about something I can very clearly indicate that she has been told about it for months.

Original poster
Ellybellyboo · 17/12/2019 08:46

Thanks all!

We have SiL involved now - her children are so sad, they’ll really miss seeing us this Christmas. They’re all adults Hmm

@holidayhelpp. Yes, why? Confused

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 17/12/2019 08:52

Bloodhounds meet sounds like a lot of fun! Uncle Matthew!