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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who decides what you are going to eat over christmas?

40 replies

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 09:52

Is it mainly the host, with obviously thought towards what the guests would like?

I'm asking because my beloved friend is coming to us for christmas. She will be staying for three nights. She has some issues around food and tends to restrict and binge. Has done for years and gains and loses significant amounts of weight in quite short spaces of time.

She is younger than me by about 5 years and we have known each other our whole lives and are very close. We spend Christmas together occasionally, as we are family friends. We have a great relationship and she knows her food issues are quite unusual, but luckily, not totally debilitating and she is a healthy weight, tending more towards being overweight than under. Just for context as she is not worryingly thin and never has been.

She has given me a list of foods that she would like me to buy for her to eat while she is here and says she will contribute towards the food bill. What she is offering probably would not cover what we were planning to spend per person on meals and drinks for the whole three days, but it is not an issue. If she didn't contribute anything other than a bottle of wine or box of chocs, or nothing at all, that would also be fine. The problem is, that some of the foods on the list are things we would never eat in our house. I have also bought them for her in the past and she hasn't eaten them. One of the things, I remember her asking me to buy loads of, (think tinned or packet things, which we could buy fresh, but which she doesn't want fresh). She didn't open a single one and left them here till we had a clear out and sent them to the food bank.

I'm going to buy the bloody things again, as she has asked, but AIBU to think she is being a bit of a twat about it? Again, we are close, like best friends and I love her dearly. But I had planned lovely meals for everyone to have together and I'm a bit disappointed that she is opting out, so everyone else will all be eating something I've planned and made and she'll be helping herself to something else from the cupboard.

Aibu to be a bit .

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 16/12/2019 09:56

Bit weird to ask you to get them for her, she should really buy the stuff herself if she needs a whole shopping list of stuff. Why don't you say, last time you asked me to buy all this stuff, you never ate it and I ended up throwing it away so why don't you just pick up what you want yourself and anything you don't eat you can take home with you?

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 09:58

I think if I said that, she'd say that was why she'd offered money towards what we are buying. The thing is, I don't want the money, and I'm happy to buy whatever drinks and food she'd like, but she normally really likes what I make, so I don't see why she won't eat what the rest of us are having...

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 09:58

She usually enjoys what I make and then leaves her requested packet foods .

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 16/12/2019 09:59

What has she asked you to get?

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 10:01

Just ask her to bring it with her if she wants it and then give it back to her when she leaves if she doesn't eat it

FairyBatman · 16/12/2019 10:01

Maybe it’s a comfort blanket for her to know that her preferred foods are there. It may be that knowing they are available if she needs then takes the pressure off enough that she can relax and enjoy what you have cooked

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:02

So, she's asked for Muller lights, tins of fish in spring water, extra light mayo and some snacky things, like nuts, sugar free squash. Stuff like that.

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 16/12/2019 10:03

It's either weird and rude or she has an eating disorder.

Usually the host decides the menu, accounting for allergies and other dietary requirements, but would normally just serve food that is suitable for everyone to share.

Can't she just bring the tins and packets of stuff she wants with her? Or if you buy it and it doesn't get used (which is very odd) send it home with her - if you say 'we don't eat these things and I don't want them to get wasted' it might make her realise she's being a bit odd about things.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2019 10:04

If you're that close, I don't understand why you haven't said "But you didn't eat them last time Karen".

AryaStarkWolf · 16/12/2019 10:05

Just tell her you bought the stuff but don't bother then if she doesn't eat them anyway she will never know :p

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:07

We're really honest about not eating those things. She doesn't take them with her though, but says "oh next time I'm here I'll eat them", but she doesn't.

I do hope it hasn't spilled over into a full blown eating disorder. But I do wonder... I know it isn't actually the point, but it is harder to bring up seriously the idea that she has an eating disorder when she is a healthy weight. She does fluctuate a lot though, but that is more towards being too heavy than too thin. I know that could still be an eating disorder though.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:08

worra, I have said that to her, but she says she still wants them!

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CarolinaPink · 16/12/2019 10:08

If I were you I'd point out that you'll be super-busy getting ready for Christmas for your family and so won't have time to do a special shop for different things. Tell her to just bring anything she particularly wants. Have to say she sounds rather self-absorbed to me!

fedup21 · 16/12/2019 10:11

She has given me a list of foods that she would like me to buy for her to eat while she is here and says she will contribute towards the food bill.

That’s pretty rude!

I’d tell her bring anything extra she wants. Why should you spend precious time pre Christmas buying her food?!

BarbaraofSeville · 16/12/2019 10:11

How often does she visit?

Things like Muller lights won't save for more than a week or two, and the squash and extra light mayo will just get wasted if it's opened and not used, so are not likely to be usable when she next comes.

To be honest, I'd probably 'forget' to get them in, or claim that the shop had run out of those things. Surely she can eat other things for a couple of days?

VictoriaBun · 16/12/2019 10:13

Why not just say you dont know the brand's she prefers, and as she didn't eat the ones you bought last year-long you will leave it to her to buy/being and she can take back any she didn't manage to eat.

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:15

I got the mayo last time and it remained unopened, so could have lasted I suppose years.

She comes maybe five times a year and we love having her. And she doesn't always ask for special food. It seems to be when she's on a weight loss bid. She really was quite strange about food last time we saw her, like going on about weight and how bad she felt after eating too much. I think she had binged though, while everyone else just ate the meal. Maybe I should be worried? I have no idea.

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Dacquoise · 16/12/2019 10:18

I am a bit confused as to why you are buying things for her. Did you offer? Like Barbara said, why not let her bring those items over rather than contributing money and carry on with your menu planning as normal? If she brings things over, you are well within your rights/politeness to give them back to her when she leaves for her own use. I wouldn't pander to it to be honest.

Dacquoise · 16/12/2019 10:19

You can always say you have run of time to get her things and would she mind picking them up as she seems to be expecting you to do it.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2019 10:21

Roughly how much out of pocket will it leave you?

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:27

Really not much money at all and that really isn't the issue. But we're already spending a fair bit on food and drinks for the whole three days and I don't feel as if I can not include her when I'm planning meals, as I think she will end up mainly eating with us.

I'm going to buy the bloody things, as I say and it isn't even that much hassle or expense, but it's just disappointing that she doesn't want to just eat what we've planned, when she isn't a fussy eater or anything. She always enjoys what I make.

Maybe the comfort blanket thing is all it is. I will put them in her car myself on boxing day though. I'm not having Muller lights lingering in my fridge.

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Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:33

I think what I might do is get her to come shopping with me on the night of the 23rd. That's when we tend to get veg and anything last minute anyway. So she can pick her own stuff and I will make sure it goes with her on Boxing Day.

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LaMarschallin · 16/12/2019 10:34

Would it be too late, when she arrives, to take her to a supermarket, extend an arm and declare: "Behold! Shelves full of things! Crack on and choose whatever your heart desires!".

Or something.

So she can identify exactly what she wants and, maybe more to the point, see it and know you've bought it especially for her?

Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:35

Yeah, that's what I think I'll do.

And I will definitely be saying "Behold! Shelves full of things! Crack on and choose whatever your heart desires"!

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Original poster

CharlesTheAggressiveTurkey · 16/12/2019 10:35

Or maybe "go forth and select ye all the foods ye desireth". Too much?

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