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AIBU?

38. Really want 3rd child, huge regrets and beating myself up.

40 replies

Hitchling · 16/12/2019 08:53

Last year I unexpectedly got pregnant.
We already have 12 yr old DS and 7 year old DD.
DH and I don’t always rub along so well. I can’t explain what I did, why I did it but I had a termination. It’s like I wanted the baby, but was overwhelmed with fear. It’s been nearly a year and I can’t move past the huge life changing mistake I’ve made.
I feel like the only way to make the pain go away is to try and get pregnant. It’s what I think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night How mad is that? To have a termination then try aNd have s baby? I feel insane. I fear that my punishment will be not to br able to conceive. My age is against me, and DH is not sure he even wants another.
Please tell me about pregnancy at or after 38? Do I even stand a chance?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

74 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
66%
You are NOT being unreasonable
34%
malificent7 · 16/12/2019 08:56

Please don't beat yourself up...have you tried councelling?
If you had fear it wasn't the right time.

BertrandRussell · 16/12/2019 08:57

Well I had both mine after that age.

But honestly? I think you need to address your complicated feelings about your dh and your last pregnancy before adding another baby to the mix. You had good reasons for the termination, and if nothing’s changed, then the reasons are still there.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 16/12/2019 08:58

I don't have any experience of this but didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry to hear that you feel conflicted about your termination. Could you access some counselling to talk it through? If the reasons you had the termination still stand would another child be a good idea in your situation?

Fanlights · 16/12/2019 08:58

What @Bertrand said. I had my son just before I turned 40, but this isn’t a good situation in which to have a child.

Acciocats · 16/12/2019 09:04

I’m sorry you feel so awful. But you need to come to terms with the decision you made. Not bring a child into the world which the father doesn’t even want. You wouldn’t be replacing the child you didn’t have. It wouldn’t be cancelling out the decision you made.

You know tbh I would think it’s a massive pressure to have a 3rd child with the very big age gaps you’d have even if both parents were on board. It would be returning to a completely different stage - newborn, toddler etc when your eldest would be in his teens. That would be massive and life changing in itself. To do it when one parent isn’t even convinced they want to is utter insanity. Sorry but what you need is to come to terms with your decision. Don’t bring another child into the world to try to bury an unresolved issue

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/12/2019 09:04

How mad is that? To have a termination then try aNd have s baby?

There's nothing wrong at all with that if the situation has changed. I agree with the others, you need to reflect on whether you are in a better place now (and will it be sustained).

For the termination, you made the best decision you could at the time. Even if things have changed since, you weren't confident then so it was still the best decision for you then.

I think it would help you to talk independently to someone objective (not your husband).

Hitchling · 16/12/2019 09:06

I don’t want counselling. I find it difficult when told that it wasn’t the right time etc. I feel it so strongly, in my bones that I made a mistake. I kind of get irritated When told otherwise. Rationally I DO understand that the arguing and other problems, current children’s ages as well as finance are very real reasons not to want a child....But the sadness I feel makes me want yo scream sometimes. The regret is huge, my lack of gratitude and total fear just totally took over

OP posts:
Acciocats · 16/12/2019 09:19

Counselling won’t be about ‘telling you’ anything. It will be about helping you to reflect and come to an acceptance.

It sounds like you think having another child will ‘cancel out’ your decision- but it won’t, it really won’t. And without wanting to sound melodramatic, there’s a chance having another child could actually make your grief about your termination even worse. However hard it seems I honestly think the only way to truly deal with events like this is to come to terms with them, not try to wipe them out with something else

Jeezoh · 16/12/2019 09:21

Having another baby won’t rectify the “mistake”, if that’s what it really is. Your reasons at the time were valid and having another baby won’t change the fact you had a termination.

I echo those who are suggesting counseling to unpick exactly what you’re yearning for. You sound like you’ve got tunnel vision about having another baby but the underlying issues that led you to terminate will still be there, bubbling away under the surface.

Sh05 · 16/12/2019 09:24

I'm. 39 and just gave birth in September so it's not too late but please make sure it's something you both want and remember if you do go ahead and have another child, it may still not make you feel any better in regards to the termination you had.
Maybe sit down with your partner and talk through how you feel first.

Darkbendis · 16/12/2019 09:24

I had DD when I was 39. 4 year gap between her and DS. All went well. However, she was a planned and very wanted baby, and we were all in a good position to have her, so our situation was different.

pooopypants · 16/12/2019 09:25

I don't have experience but it sounds to me like you're hoping to have a baby to make yourself feel better for having a termination. That's not going to help though.



IMO you need to deal with the emotions you're feeling since then - work through them and not just try to cover them up with another child. It sounds very much like there's a lot more going on behind the scenes with your DH though, counselling would help with both issues. As PP have said, counselling isn't about telling you anything, it's to help you deal with your feelings, thoughts and emotions.



If you were to fall pregnant again, who's to say that you wouldn't feel even worse than you already do, because then in your eyes, you're 'replacing' the child you didn't have?

Oysterbabe · 16/12/2019 09:26

You're not too old but regretting a termination and a shaky relationship and reluctant DH is not a good base to bring in a child into the world.

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 16/12/2019 09:28

I think you should try for another baby.
You’re not too old, and it will help with the grief & regret you’re feeling.

Happyspud · 16/12/2019 09:30

Don’t bring a baby into an unhappy relationship. You’ll need all your energy to protect and nurture your two kids, especially if you split up.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/12/2019 09:31

I am slightly older than you and have recently had my first baby but probably wouldn’t have been able to do it without my DH’s help. You absolutely need your partner’s support for a child at this age especially since you have 2 other kids who are at totally different life stages and need you. At our age even the risk of ‘routine’ complications can be high and we can often take longer to recover. This is doubly so it you are already fairly unhealthy. So if your DH can’t or won’t step up to the plate you may struggle to meet your existing kids’ needs

CakeandCustard28 · 16/12/2019 09:32

Make sure it’s something you both want tough, I understand you want a baby but if your DH doesn’t it will cause problems for your marriage trust me I’ve been through that one and it took many years for my DH and DC to bond.

Merename · 16/12/2019 09:58

It’s ok to feel it was a mistake - if it was a mistake in your eyes, then it was a mistake. And it sounds like you need to grieve the mistake that you made, find a way to accept that it happened and why. I think regret as an emotion is something to process, and helps us grow and understand our future. Guilt, however, is just anger at yourself and doesn’t help anyone. I understand that you don’t want counselling but it could be a space to explore your feelings and be clear on what you want.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 09:59

You need counselling. Having a baby to replace another baby is never a good idea.

You relationhsip isn’t in the right place atm. Will bringing in a baby help or make everything worse? (I suspect it will make things worse rather than better)

bibliomania · 16/12/2019 10:12

Agree on the counselling. The thing is, suppose you go off and have a new baby - you're assuming you'll feel better, but suppose you feel worse? Suppose you find yourself thinking that this is the wrong baby and you've somehow betrayed the one that "should have been"? I'm not saying you will say these things, just saying that you can't assume that another pregnancy will make your existing bad feelings go away. It could be a recipe for massive PND.

Areyoufree · 16/12/2019 10:17

I fear that my punishment will be not to br able to conceive.

God, I relate to this. I had a termination when I was 18, and I thought that my "punishment" was that I was been driven crazy. But, there is no punishment, because you didn't do anything wrong. You made the decision you made based on the situation at the time. Maybe that situation has changed now, and you would make a different decision, but that doesn't change how things were then. There's no right or wrong here - there's just a choice based on circumstances, and sometimes its less of a choice than we think.

However, you should also be aware that it is not unusual to get absurdly broody around this age (yes I know, MN, you hate the word broody!). I have been baby-mad for the last couple of years, and it is just starting to subside (42). The two things (termination and current baby obsession) could actually be unrelated.

rattusrattus20 · 16/12/2019 10:19

You're almost certainly young enough, not least because you seemingly got pregnant without too much trouble relatively recently, but it doesn't sound like you're even nearly in a place [in terms of DH's wishes, strength of relationship, age of your other kids] where it'd be a good idea to do it.

SonEtLumiere · 16/12/2019 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberrieshortcake · 16/12/2019 10:31

I really think that having another baby’s to replace the precious one is a terrible idea. You need to come to terms with and accept your ‘mistake’ instead of just trying to get pregnant. Also the way you described your marriage and finances make it seem like getting pregnant is a terrible idea. It seems you have it in your head that having a baby will fix your feelings and I honestly doubt it will.

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 10:35

Therapy isn't about telling you what to think or feel.

And another baby won't fix or magic away any of what you're feeling right now.

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