38. Really want 3rd child, huge regrets and beating myself up.

[Hitchling]

Last year I unexpectedly got pregnant.
We already have 12 yr old DS and 7 year old DD.
DH and I don’t always rub along so well. I can’t explain what I did, why I did it but I had a termination. It’s like I wanted the baby, but was overwhelmed with fear. It’s been nearly a year and I can’t move past the huge life changing mistake I’ve made.
I feel like the only way to make the pain go away is to try and get pregnant. It’s what I think about first thing in the morning and last thing at night How mad is that? To have a termination then try aNd have s baby? I feel insane. I fear that my punishment will be not to br able to conceive. My age is against me, and DH is not sure he even wants another.
Please tell me about pregnancy at or after 38? Do I even stand a chance?

You are young enough to have another baby, many people around me have had babies around that age and most have had healthy babies in their early 40s. The only problem is your issues with DH. You both need to want the baby, a baby can’t heal rifts makes it worse if anything.

I think it's really important you clarify in your mind that another baby will not be the one you terminated. You need to accept that that baby is gone and can't be replaced. Otherwise you really will drive yourself crazy. Ask yourself, do you want another totally different baby, or do you just want back the baby you terminated?

Do not consider trying for another baby until you have had counselling to come to terms with your termination. Chances are once you work through your loss, you may well realise that you don't actually want another baby.

Thanks all for responding. It is true that I have tunnel vision. It’s all I think about. It’s also true that I want a baby to rectify my mistake, to atone and feel better. And I think It would heal some of the pain I feel.
I do need to speak to DH. But to be honest, actions speak louder than words. Every time I bring it up he say’s” not now, let’s talk about it later” It’s pretty obvious it’s not a priority for him, or something he REALLY wants...

Please, please, please seek counselling.

Thinking about something obsessively. Not being able to reason it out. To be going round in a loop with your thoughts are all signs of depression. Of needing support to help with your thoughts about something.

You made a very tough decision and one that seems to have been made without support. Of course you are having difficulty with acceptance and dealing with your emotions.

Please seek support through counselling.

Nothing wrong with pregnancy at 38, I just had my third child at 39, but I wouldn't bring another baby into an unhappy relationship. I think you should seek counselling.

I’m sorry you feel you made a mistake. But your situation doesn’t appear to have changed at all. So why do you want another child now????

You can't go back, so go forward. Without the blinkers on. Don't have a baby to atone.

It sounds like he doesnt want a baby....

It’s all a mess. Thanks so much. I’ll read over the posts again. I very much am stuck in a loop and know it’s not right.

Lots of people have babies at your age. I had babies at 38 and 39 when I already had 2 children then aged 15 and 17. It’s all worked out brilliantly and have no regrets.

Your age isn’t the issue. Loads of people have babies at your age or older. The issues are that your dh doesn’t want another child so it would be terrible to bring a child into the world against one parent’s wishes. And secondly you are doing it to try to ‘atone’ for having terminated your pregnancy before, which another, different child won’t do.

One thing I have learned over a long life is that it is never a good idea to have a baby to try and fix something.

Hi,

I am just wondering how long it took you to have your baby at 39? I am 38.5 and trying for my fourth with not much look after 6 months