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AIBU?

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Original poster

Love after death - what do you believe?

41 replies

LadyBirr13 · 15/12/2019 21:57

DH and I just had a massive argument, im a very spiritual person and believe there's more after death.

Please help me see sense as I have great anxieties about this kind of stuff.

Topic went on to my father (who passed away years ago) and life and love after death.

I said something along the times of, my love will go beyond life and I'll always love him and our children, whereas he said something along the lines of he won't because love stops when life stops.

Now I feel anxious, in childish terms, that my love feels greater because I believe it will never stop, I'm specifically talking about the kids and the love I feel for them.

Was this insensitive of him to say? Or am AIBU?

I am hoping you will say IABU as my head is spinning, eyes are red and I don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfused10 · 15/12/2019 22:05

He can't help what he believes. I don't believe there is only one person for you ever. I think love changes after death, is never say I wouldn't love anyone else ever but I've also thought that, I also don't really believe that there is anything after death and you'll be reunited.

It's all about what makes it easier for you personally to cope with the shitty situation that is death.

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 22:07

What do you mean by your love will go on after death, OP?

Do you mean that you will continue to exist in some form or another, and will continue to love your relatives from heaven/afar, as it were?

It doesn’t seem insensitive for him to say - he appears not to believe in life after death. That’s a valid viewpoint.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 15/12/2019 22:07

He may say that now, but love doesn't stop when life does. Grief is the price we pay for love, basically its love with nowhere to go because the person you would give it to isn't there. I will always love DH, even though he is no longer with us, and know that he loves me, even if he can't tell me.

Shoxfordian · 15/12/2019 22:09

It seems to be more about your own insecurities. Do you feel like he loves you as much as you love him generally? I don't think he's been unreasonable here

FourEyesGood · 15/12/2019 22:09

You have completely different beliefs. I’m more inclined to agree with your DH, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Betterbegoing · 15/12/2019 22:09

YABU. I agree with him, and I promise you, I couldn’t love my husband more or be more committed to him, I just don’t believe in life or existence after death.

Tolleshunt · 15/12/2019 22:11

OP, you can have your own opinions and beliefs. You don’t have to believe what your husband does, and the fact he doesn’t agree needn’t knock you off balance. He’s entitled to a different opinion, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

I agree with you, fwiw! But it doesn’t matter, as your beliefs are your own.

Fanlights · 15/12/2019 22:13

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners, no, I think he means he won’t be able to love once he’s dead, not that he won’t go on loving her if she predeceases him.

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/12/2019 22:13

I have great anxieties about this kind of stuff

Which is leading to my head is spinning, eyes are red and I don't know how to feel

Are you getting support for your anxieties, as I think that's the real issue here?

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 15/12/2019 22:13

It depends if you mean a person’s spirit is capable of love after the person has died - which I don’t believe, as I don’t believe in consciousness after death - or that you can carry on loving someone who has died while you’re still alive. The latter INBU - that’s pretty much grief in a nutshell.

frenchknitting · 15/12/2019 22:18

I believe that the people we love carry that love with them after we are gone. I am not remotely spiritual though, and I believe when we die, that is it. So I don't believe that "love" is a thing that persists beyond living memory, if that is what you mean?

To be honest, it sounds like you were arguing at cross purposes, and all you needed him to do was reassure you that he loves you and your children? Which he said that he did - all he disagreed about was what happens after death, and I assume you already knew your beliefs were different about that. I don't think this is worth arguing about.

Babdoc · 15/12/2019 22:19

Jesus promised us that He would prepare a place for us after death, in God’s kingdom. His resurrection was pretty convincing evidence that He was telling the truth.
I am firmly convinced that we will be reunited with our loved ones after death. And millions of fellow Christians worldwide believe in life after death.
Why not discuss your fears and beliefs with your vicar, priest or minister, OP?

ims0rrydarlin · 15/12/2019 22:19

Love still exists beyond death. My parents were married 27 years before my mum died. My dad did get remarried but even now he still gets upset over my mum whenever he sees her pictures. He recently saw an unseen photo of her on my screensaver and asked me to send it to him.

RedSheep73 · 15/12/2019 22:21

I think you are both a bit muddled. You carry on loving someone after they are dead - that's why it hurts so much! But they won't be loving you back, because they aren't there any more, except inside your head. And whatever you do can't either hurt them or please them. So I think you are both a bit right and a bit wrong.
My DH is a bit more in your camp than I am, and he insisted we vowed Always and forever instead of Until death do us part. I don't really think it matters as long as you give 100% while you are still here!

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 22:21

@Babdoc, where did OP say she was religious, let alone Christian? Confused

FlatheadScrewdriver · 15/12/2019 22:22

Well, it's 16 years without DH and we all still love him, and believe he loves us too. I don't believe that love dies like that; love is too strong and huge and complex and amazing for that to feel true in my experience.

Myusername101 · 15/12/2019 22:24

It doesn't matter what any of us believe, beliefs are personal and no one should have to feel wrong for what they believe (unless actually illegal) so you are both right and you should respect each other's beliefs

ActualHornist · 15/12/2019 22:26

She said she was ‘spiritual’ and her beliefs certainly tally with the Christian belief @Butchyrestingface

Personally I don’t believe that anything happens after death, and I don’t think your husband means anything bad, he just doesn’t believe the same as you.

Grumpos · 15/12/2019 22:27

I think YAB a bit U to be crying and head spinning bc your DH has a different belief to you.

No one knows what will happen when they die. Perhaps the spirit does live on and your DH will come out the other side and say Oh bloody hell she was right, I am still here in spirit and I still love her very much!!!

You can’t hold it against him for not having the same beliefs regarding death as you, these are very personal and in-depth concepts.

If he loves you now and is good to you now isn’t that enough?
You are demanding that he continues to love you after his death - even though no one knows what happens after death. Yeah YBU

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 22:30

She said she was ‘spiritual’ and her beliefs certainly tally with the Christian belief @Butchyrestingface**

Saying ‘spiritual’ is a long chalk away from saying one is religious. And Christianity is far from the only religion that believes in life/love after death.

If the OP was religious/Christian, I would expect her to say so, particularly given what was being discussed. Spirituality is very non-specific.

Hopefully she will clarify. Smile

Wineiscooling · 15/12/2019 22:31

It sounds like he believes once you're dead there's nothing so how can you love if there's nothing. It's a view point. We all have our beliefs and the fact is we don't know until we die whose is the right one. My own Dad died years a go so it helped me at the time to believe he was still there somehow, watching over me and loving me. Now.... I'm more of a believer there's nothing after death. Either way, I won't argue with someone with a different view point, although I do enjoy a good debate about it.
Perhaps as someone else has said seek help for your anxiety.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 15/12/2019 22:45

It isn't insensitive to believe that we live, and then we die, and that's it. There's a very distinct beauty in that thought. He is literally saying that his love will continue until it is incapable of doing so any longer. In his mind that's all it can do, and incidentally, to him that's all yours will do too. Meanwhile, rather than realising that, in reality, the sentiment is the same as yours, ie love will last until it no longer can (whether that be due to physical death or some sort of spiritual end), you're turning it into a competition unnecessarily.

Your feelings aren't worth more because you happen to be 'spiritual' and you don't love your kids more than he does because you believe in an afterlife. That's an incredibly damaging concept to bring into play. You love each other, and you love your children. If there is an afterlife, its incredibly unlikely that his love will suddenly just stop because he didn't believe in life after death, and if there isn't an afterlife, your love isn't going to continue despite the fact you currently think it will. So rather than arguing with him about it, be glad that you both love each other and your children in the here and now, and make the most of your lives together. You really should seek help for your anxiety if you are genuinely feeling anxious about this. I hope you manage to resolve this argument and find some peace.

ElluesPichulobu · 15/12/2019 22:50

when we were writing our wedding vows the minister wouldn't agree to us saying we would love each other beyond death because no one can know whether that's even possible and we shouldn't promise what we can't know if we can do.

Jesus was challenged as to who would be a woman's rightful husband in heaven if she was widowed a number of times and remarried. Jesus said basically that the kind of love we know on earth will have passed away. my understanding of this is that it will have been replaced by something different, and better, that we can't really understand now, but there won't be any need for definitions of who loves who because as God is made of Love, and the Kingdom of God is outside time, love stops being something we do, and is something we are.

RedLipstickHighHeels · 15/12/2019 22:53

We die,brain stem activity ceases,organs fail.and imo that’s it. Death.
No woo.no hoo.no love ever after from the deceased person, they're gone
For those left behind,memories,attachments,habit maintain the memory and impact of the deceased individual

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 22:55

YABU. As PPs say, his non-belief in the afterlife is irrelevant how he feels or shows love to you and your DC.

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