Love after death - what do you believe?

[LadyBirr13]

DH and I just had a massive argument, im a very spiritual person and believe there's more after death.

Please help me see sense as I have great anxieties about this kind of stuff.

Topic went on to my father (who passed away years ago) and life and love after death.

I said something along the times of, my love will go beyond life and I'll always love him and our children, whereas he said something along the lines of he won't because love stops when life stops.

Now I feel anxious, in childish terms, that my love feels greater because I believe it will never stop, I'm specifically talking about the kids and the love I feel for them.

Was this insensitive of him to say? Or am AIBU?

I am hoping you will say IABU as my head is spinning, eyes are red and I don't know how to feel.

I think I'm being terribly stupid, because I really dont this, more to the fact why its upsetting you. You can not physically love once you die so I agree with your DH. Unless you mean if you die and it's your partner and children left, then I can see how he could still love you after your death. If he had said "Na once your dead that its" that would be reason to be upset. I'm not that spiritual though so I think I'm missing the point.

I guess I'd say that it does appear that your anxiety is driving this unless there is something more to the argument than him expressing his belief and you getting a bit worked up (which is what it sounds like based on your very high level description?)

It's possible he was insensitive but difficult to know without hearing more detail.

TBH I think it's a bit silly to argue over abstract nonsense. Does it really matter?

He thinks when you’re dead you’re dead and that’s it. That’s what he means about not loving anyone. Because he thinks his consciousness will go and he won’t have any thoughts or feelings.

Personally I think he’s talking pish and will be reunited with his loved ones who have gone before and he will be in for a nice surprise and you can say ‘told you so’when you see him in the next life!

Don’t feel like he’s rejecting you snd you’ll be alone kind of thing as though he’s dumping you in real life by the way, it’s so not that. He just has different beliefs. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you now. If he’s ever gone to a really good psychic he would have the proof he needs to convince him of something after death. Clearly he hasn’t.

Firstly I wanted to thank you all for the responses, I didn't expect so many, was hoping to have one or two!
I am glad to hear the majority (everyone) thinks IABU, this is what I needed to read, as I woke up feeling very low and it's helped boost me up.

I know my anxieties are unreasonable, and it's a silly thing to seem to get upset over, I can't help it, I am seeking support for my anxieties- I am on medication for it, my problem is obsessive questioning, I can over analyse anything and my head feels like it bursts with a million questions, not something I am proud of or like living with, but unfortunately that's the way it is for me.

I guess my main problem with last night was it brought me back to the first time we had this argument (yes we had it before) and it was very heated, went onto to other things and resulted on him walking out on me 4 months pregnant with my second DD.

Anyway fast forward, he obviously came back, a few days later but I hate reliving that moment, as it caused a lot of stress for me and my relationship and my DD came at 27 weeks, will never know if it was the stress but I still blame myself now, anyway- that's irrelevant.

It wasn't only that part that made me cry, someone wrote that it was silly to get upset over that, it was the whole thing mainly, also when we were speaking about my father he said something along the lines of- (sarcastically)

Ok, Let's have a one hour conversation with your kids about their memories with your dad! - (he's never met them, he passed before my first was born)
This upset me and led me to say-

That's a nasty thing to say, that's like me saying let's have a one hour conversation with the kids about your Gran.

This led onto him calling me a spiteful c-nt.

I know it was a nasty thing for me to say back, but I was trying to show him how insensitive that was seeing as he knows they have no memories with my dad!

I guess it all boils down to me and my anxieties and the insecurities I have with him because there have been many occasions where he's said horrible things or done horrible things that make me feel anxious and insecure when I relive stuff that's happening in the past.

Having said that, he is a lovely DH and I married him for good reasons, and he has changed and hasn't as such hurt me like he has in the past, touch wood. But I can't shake my anxieties off, and I know I am being unreasonable as I know my head sometimes doesn't think like a "normal" person and hence why I wanted to hear it from others, so I can learn and understand that DH wasn't being unreasonable.

Also, the religious comment- I am a Sunday School teacher so can say I am religious although I didn't mention it in my OP because I didn't think religion was relevant as there are spiritual people who don't have a religion.

Yes the post was about that he meant after HE dies there's nothing, so he can't love us after death.

Thank you all, a couple of the posts even made me giggle. Like "I told you so" and "she was bloody right"

It sounds like the actual problem here is the relationship.

I agree with you. Love never dies OP

there have been many occasions where he's said horrible things or done horrible things that make me feel anxious and insecure when I relive stuff that's happening in the past

Having said that, he is a lovely DH

He doesn't sound lovely. He sounds cruel and unkind and spiteful. Even if he's only like that "some of the time".

Do you ever think you might feel less anxious if you were with someone who didn't call you a cunt and bring up your dead father in arguments. then turn it around on you when you mentioned his dead grandmother?

*I guess it all boils down to me and my anxieties and the insecurities I have with him because there have been many occasions where he's said horrible things or done horrible things that make me feel anxious and insecure when I relive stuff that's happening in the past.

This led onto him calling me a spiteful c-nt.

You’ve got a funny definition of “lovely dh”. Have you considered that you might be getting upset about the wrong thing here?

OP, there's only one cunt in your relationship, and it isn't you.

He walked out on you when you were pregnant, he makes you feel anxious, insecure and called you a spiteful cunt.

Why the hell are you with him? Your issue is being married to an awful man.

You just don't believe the same, which is fine!!
My Mum died when I was 24 - she was 46.
Can I honestly say I've felt her love? No. That doesn't make her love any less and, I knew she worshipped us all.
Does it mean I love her any less either? No.

Give all the love you can, now!
I want to say that you shouldn't worry about all the what ifs after you die, but you believe in things differently to me.

Try not to be too upset in what you each believe. You're entitled to those beliefs and so is your DH. There is no right or wrong on this topic, surely?

I think there are 2 issues here.

Otoh he has done some very unkind things in the past.

Otoh your obsessive questioning is also an unhealthy and manipulative way of dealing with a relationship and probably isn't doing him a lot of good. I realise it is your MH issue but it is also very damaging.

You say his first bad behaviour was triggered by a similar conversation.

Now I would never behave like he did, I would not call someone a cunt or walk out on a baby. But neither could I live longterm in a relationship where someone was obsessively pushing me to prove my love and insisting that what I said (including my personal beliefs re the afterlife) simply wasn't good enough for them. I would try to act honourably, but it would destroy the relationship, and I would be looking for a way out.

You need to stop doing this. You need to decide either that you are not happy with his behaviour in the past and leave him, or to take this relationship on without constantly telling him his love is not great enough. If you cannot learn to control your anxiety, then he is doomed: his love will never be good enough and these conversations will always end in your telling him so. That is no way to live. If you want this relationship to continue, then the past has to die. You need to learn to recognise when your anxiety is speaking and be able to divert yourself. CBT is probably helpful.

I have two family members with high anxiety: one never learnt to control it and the family suffered. The other has had support and put in a lot of hard work. It doesn't mean she puts up with being treated badly- she's a toughie!- but it does mean she can recognise obsessive behaviour in herself and stop it.

@LadyBirr13 Any other help/therapy other than meds? I think you need to speak to someone about your relationship. It doesn't sound very healthy, and whilst you've said you have anxiety, your DH isn't exactly coming across well.

If you want to explore that part of your anxiety, why not pop over to the Relationships board?

@babdoc

OP didn't say she was a Christian but any excuse to proselytise.

Bigger issues here than whether he would love you after death. Need to ask yourself if he his worthy of your love now. He mocks you about the death of your father and then calls you a cunt when you give the same response about his grandmother?? That is not ok. Before I saw your reply I was going to say that perhaps he just compartmentalises life and so once death has happened he can’t imagine feelings for that departed person continuing. After seeing your response, he sounds like an angry, selfish, abusive narcissist who walked out of you and your 4 month old in a strop.