Can’t stand my 14 month old at the moment

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I’ve name changed for this. But I currently can’t stand my 14 month old DS. He is a ‘high needs’ baby. Needs constant attention. I literally get no time to myself at all. He won’t nap, unless he’s in the car seat, pushchair or laying on the bed with one of us.
Recently he won’t even sleep in his cot at bedtime and ends up in our bed every night, which means we’re all constantly tired everyday. We’ve tried resettling in his cot and retreating as is recommended, but he doesn’t just cry, he gets hysterical and starts screaming.
He’s got plenty of toys and books to play with and of course we to read to him and play with him a lot, but he also brings us books all the time to read, which in some ways is nice, but he’s if we’re busy or doing something else and have to say no, he has a huge meltdown.
I just feel like I’ve failed so far.
He’s a bright, quick and a fast learner. But he’s always whinging if he’s not got our full attention.

The newest thing is throwing his dinner on the floor. He just chucks everything we give him. He barely eats because of this. It’s really frustrating and worrying and I feel like we’re wasting so much food.

I just want to go back to my old life, before I had him.
Me and my DP argue constantly because of everything and it feels like nothing will ever change.

Hi OP
Sorry to hear you are struggling. It can be really shit sometimes. I think it’s totally normal to really dislike your kids at various points in their childhood.
DD1 was a terrible sleeper and I remember at one point DH and I couldn’t sit and have a meal together or a conversation without being interrupted by a demanding tot which does take its toll on your relationship.
It will get easier though, he’s still so little. We’re through the other side now with DD1 who is almost 4 and she’s fab and we really feel like we’ve got our lives back (or at least we did until DS arrived 7 months ago!)
Do you have anyone that could give you break? Even a few hours for you and DH to go to lunch together might help....

It’s ok to feel like this to some degree. It’s such a culture shock becoming a parent and I think all parents hit a wall somewhere down the line and think ‘why the fuck did I do this!’

You haven’t failed at all. He’s only a baby and hasn’t learned patience, it takes time.

Do you think you may be depressed? I hate asking that because even if you’re not it’s ok to hit the wall, but it might help to see your GP if you feel you might be.

Sleep deprivation is the worst.
My dd was like you describe. She only slept in motion or next to me. I gave in and just slept with her til she was about 2 and ready to go into her own bed.
It was more important for me to have sleep.
Is that something you’d consider?

The whingeing might be because he’s tired.

With my dd, I took her out every day for a runaround and used to set up the buggy in the living room for a nap. Just rocked her back and forth.

Thankfully, she began to love tv and adored Peppa pig so that was a bit of a saviour.

It does get easier. Just do whatever you need to make sure you’re not all exhausted.

I just feel like I don’t get anything out of it, I don’t enjoy it, I feel like I’m just going through the motions everyday. Groundhog Day if you like...
Predictability everyday and the same routine.
@Foghead I have considered that, but we don’t really have a spare room where my DP can sleep...so it would be all 3 of us in the bed and it’ll be a bit squash, like it is now!

I have a nearly 14month old who sounds very similar and if I'm honest I just have him in bed with us. He also cant walk on his own yet so I spend alot of the time just walking him about. Do you go to toddler groups? I find if we dont go out at least once a day I start to get stir crazy. Are you with baby all the time? You need some time apart even if it is just doing the food shop. Try not to think of the baby as needy, I like to think they are all like this at this age. Try to lower your expectations as that can cause stress. Hope it Starts getting better soon.

Is he walking? 14 months is a shit age, especially if they are switched on because they know what they want but can’t communicate.

DD was horrendous until most of her teeth have come through (touch wood). She’s 17 months now and is still very very high maintenance and hates the car/ pram but we deal with it - she has so much personality and it shines through. She’s very intelligent and I love spending time with her.

Please hang in there. Parenting a baby like this is really fucking hard, it can be very isolating if your friends have chilled children too. Literally every month will get easier- and remember the terrible two’s will never phase you. It can only get better!

Do you have room for a decent sized bed (or make floor bed) in your 14 month olds room?
We ended up getting foam edges that go under the fitted sheet then settling her in her own bed with cuddles then anytime she woke up we could lay down in relative comfort and settle her/fall asleep.

My oldest was a high needs screamer. It made bedtime not as much of a issue (and now at 5 is happy to go to bed with a quick cuddle)
They do grow out of it and it’s just a phase.

I have a nearly 2 year old who is very similar in temperament. We’ve co-slept since she was 9 months. It was the only way to manage some sleep.

Completely understand the wanting attention all the time and never getting anything done. She will harass me to pick her up even if I’m buttering her toast. Meals out are a nightmare too, it’s an enormous faff and so not worth doing!

It does seem to get a little easier all the time. And whilst I’m looking forward to her being older and easier, I’m trying to enjoy the cuddles and neediness as it won’t be forever.

Are you working or at home with LO all day? I work 3 days and really appreciate the “time off”.

Lack of sleep is shit. It causes depression and irritability. Sounds like both you and your baby are sleep deprived. The NHS advice is that you can teach your baby to sleep on their own once they're 3 months old. As you've missed this boat, your baby has learnt to go to sleep only with your help. Despite a few natural parenting wankers, which seem to be of a higher proportion on MN than there should be, there is no evidence that sleep training harms your baby. There is nothing wrong with teaching your child to sleep properly so you can get a good night sleep. I guarantee you will feel more positive about your LO when you're rested. There is no need to sacrifice your mental health and your relationship with your child because some tosspot homeopath like Sarah Ockwell Smith wrote a badly informed book/ natural parenting blog about attachment parenting.
You don't have to do cry it out. You can do gradual retreat where you never leave your baby to cry.

I think u are actually just tired and with sleep u would feel differently. Not just one night I might add! My advice is get out and see people nanas and aunts etc or baby clubs as much as possible. You’ve not failed it’s a hard time you are going through.

Don’t make food a battle as soon as it starts getting thrown take it away.
Clean up and get down then try again later.
If he eats, he eats. If he doesn’t he wasn’t hungry.
Don’t make it a thing that he can control and it’s not like he’s going to starve.

You haven’t failed. Raising kids is bloody hard.
I honestly understand why some animals eat there babies (it’s so no one is saying mum constantly)

It's all shit at some point, and everyone feels like this at some point. You are not alone.

But it will get better. I know it is not helpful me saying that, and it feels like this is never ending - but it is a phase, it will pass, it will get better. Hang in there

This is the side of parenthood you never see on social media. It’s all ‘Living my best life’ bollocks. It’s hard isn’t it. Please don’t feel that you’re alone in feeling like this, because you’re absolutely not. What I would say is you need to get him in his cot in his own room at night. Just put him in the cot and leave him to cry. Don’t make eye contact. He knows now that you’ll come and get him if he cries. You need to be hard about it, however difficult it is. He may cry for hours the first few nights but eventually he’ll settle and go to sleep. We did the controlled crying with our son. It was tough but only took a few nights. If you were getting a decent sleep you’d feel more able to cope during the day. Have you spoke to your hv. They are full of good advice. Good luck. Just remember things will get better. When he’s out partying when he’s 17 you’ll wish you were back dealing with a toddler and all those toddler worries. 💐

Are you working outside the home? If not can you look to return maybe part time? I'm not cut out to be a full time stay at home parent and found things much better once I was back at work.

On the sleeping front can you look at either side car-ing the cot to your bed to give extra space or putting a single bed in your DC's room instead of the cot? Your DP can sleep in there and you can co-sleep with DC in the double. It's not ideal but you'll get more sleep and that will help a lot.

On the days I'm looking after the DC I prioritise getting out of the house, play dates, soft play, park, toddler group. Wears them out a bit and breaks up the day.

It is really hard, do you have much support?

@Summerandsparkle He is walking, very confidently and has been since he was about 10 and a half months old.

@Sunshinegirl82 well my parents and family/close friends don’t live here, they’re about 4 hours away (by car) and although my DP’s parents are here and really are a huge help, I feel like a nuisance a lot of the time. They’re also a lot older than my parents and have a lot on at the moment. They already have him one day a week while I’m working part time. He is in childcare the other two days as I only work three days.

I had one like this, I totally sympathise. There were many times I wished I hadn't had him. He was such bloody hard work and not a day went by without a tantrum for god, about 3 years. He was also bright, inquisitive, energetic etc.

However, now at 5 yrs old, he is just the most awesome kid ever. It does get better, I promise you. Yes it may be a long slog to get there but it's so worth it.

What saved me, was putting him into nursery two mornings a week from 2.5 but you could always do this now? I just needed that time to decompress.

I'm sorry there is no quick cure to this, but I'm positive that things will change for you. You just need to tough this bit out.

Sorry just saw your message that he's already in childcare

I also said 'tantrum' haha, what I meant to say was mine had multiple tantrums right throughout the day!

I found between 1-2yrs the hardest year of all. Mine didn’t sleep either, would constantly want attention and would throw his dinner every night. I went through a phase where I felt like you, I wanted to give up but my solution was to stop expecting things from him. I stopped expecting him to sleep, I stopped expecting him to eat every dinner and believe me it made the difference. I was putting way too much stress on myself thinking that he should be behaving a certain way, and I felt like I had failed when he didn’t. My other saviour was getting out every day. I found he behaved better once out, and mentally I could cope much better if I had had a break from the house.
You probably wont believe me, but it does get better. Once we got through that year, everything started to improve. Ok, sleeping wise was still hard but I had the mental resolve to start getting him back into his own bedroom which did work. He started eating properly. And because he started to communicate he wasn’t so frustrated all the time. Now he’s 3 and an absolute joy (apart from the threenager phases!!) Hang in there x

I thought that was what most peoples toddlers were like. Mine is also 14 months, and behaves in a similar fashion. I suppose my advantage is that I'm still breastfeeding and co-sleeping so I actually get some sleep.
The dog loves the foodnami at least. I've found that spooning food into his gob while he's wandering found the house is the only way I can get him to eat sometimes.

Yep OP. Sounds like my DD. I think it’s likely he is advanced for his age- so gets frustrated. We have found as her speech gets better things are getting easier. Ignore the food throwing- it’s a phase. Just clear it up and calmly say ‘food stays on the table’.

People are saying ‘cry it out’. But I personally think letting your toddler get hysterical (and like the OP has said- it isn’t just ‘crying’g) - it will only cause more stress for everyone.

What is his bedtime/ nap routine? Are you breastfeeding or will he take formula?

I decided to stop BF at 14 months, I found a bath every night and putting DD in her cot with a bottle got her sleeping through more consistently. I think the first 15 months of her life she was teething horribly and I could never leave her to cry as I couldn’t rule out that she was in pain- don’t be afraid to give calpol as much as you need to.

"Recently he won’t even sleep in his cot at bedtime and ends up in our bed every night, which means we’re all constantly tired everyday." Totally normal. You or DP/DH can sleep on the couch and put a baby guard on one side of your bed.

Also @Summerandsparkle Calpol should only be used for uncontrollable temperatures and severe teething. It's not 1982 anymore. We know now repeated use of Paracetamol causes things like hearing loss amongst other issues.

This is a horrible age. Well, it was for me. Add in a high needs baby and it’s even worse. Massive sympathies. My advice is take the path of least resistance. Whatever’s required to keep your sanity.

We have a very demanding dd and have had moments where we've been so tired we feel physical pain!
It is probably only this bad for a phase, maybe a developmental leap, though I'd try some sleep training. It won't work to the extent it says it will (presumably this only happens with a very easy going baby), but it might give you some respite.
If you do need to share a bed, get some small cushions and build a little wall between you so when he inevitably rolls around all night you don't get as many hands/feet in your face.
Don't worry about feeling a nuisance to other people, get as much help as you possibly can from anyone you trust enough. You'll be a better parent with more rest.
If you still feel the same, have you considered working full time and using nursery full time?

Calpol should only be used for uncontrollable temperatures and severe teething

I understand there has been research around it. However when my DD screamed day and night for months I did give it often as it was needed for us all to get some sleep. Now that phase has passed she doesn’t need it much but personally that’s the choice I made as teething gels/ granules didn’t touch it.

I feel for OP and in my opinion she needs support otherwise her mental health is going to suffer and she won’t be able to look after herself never mind her child .