Apologies in advance, this is going to be long as I’m trying to note everything so I can explain why I feel the way I feel.
I have been married to DH for 25 years, I’ve tried so hard to be included in the family as I come from a dysfunctional family myself. My DH has 2 brothers and 3 sisters. One sister lives here in the U.K, another lives in Australia and another lives in the US.
I’ve always thought my presence was grudged whenever I was in my MIL’s company when all her daughters were there. My other SIL (Married to DH’s brother) must feel a bit like that too because of something she said to me.
When 2 of my SIL’s moved abroad, whenever MIL needed help, if her own daughter couldn’t do it she would ask me. I eventually got to realise over the years that I was only “required” if I was needed for something.
My DH doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother (his dad isn’t around) and neither does is brother. They both feel as if their mum has always been just for her daughters and never for them, ie, the boys have never had a birthday party, had to pay for their own driving lessons, for given token gifts at big birthdays, whereas the girls have had 18th, 21st birthday parties, were each given £1000 for their big birthdays and were given driving lessons for their 17th (I was with DH when the girls turned 17).
Anyway a couple of months ago my MIL went in for a big operation, so there was only her 2 sons and one daughter here and she needed care when she got out of hospital. Her daughter works full time, my DH works full time but works away so 4 weeks away, 2 weeks here, I work from home, BIL doesn’t work and his wife works full time. When MIL came out of hospital her daughter sent all of us a timetable of when we were to be down at MIL’s house to help, we weren’t asked if this was acceptable to us, it was just expected. My DH couldn’t help as he was away but was expected to drop everything and stay with his mum when he came home. My SIL was expected to stay overnight with my MIL!!!
I didn’t say anything about what was expected of me, I just saw an old women who needed help and thought okay I will help as I could work from her house as long as I had the internet.
It turns out, my MIL only needed help for about 3 weeks, so all good.
MIL used to have little chats when I was down helping her and I honestly thought we would “bond” something I really wanted as I didn’t have that with my own mum.
Well last week, my MIL had her 60th birthday, I had asked SIL (the one who stays here) if anything special was being done. She said no. However, my other SIL’s and 2 nieces came home for her birthday, there was a big dinner but all us weren’t invited. It was all kept a big secret. My SIL who stays here knew all about it, and all the sisters just kept it to themselves.
To top it all, MIL sent me, DH, her other son and his wife pics saying me with all my beautiful granddaughters.......eh what about my daughter, your oldest granddaughter, actually your oldest grandchild, is she not included. MIL has posted this on Facebook, so my daughter (20) has seen this and has put “ok gran so am I not included as a granddaughter” to which my MIL has replied “oh don’t be so childish”
I’m fucking livid. DH is away just now but he is mad. I feel like taking a massive step back and telling them all to fuck off.
AIBU?