My in laws

[Tryingtojuggleeverything]

Apologies in advance, this is going to be long as I’m trying to note everything so I can explain why I feel the way I feel.

I have been married to DH for 25 years, I’ve tried so hard to be included in the family as I come from a dysfunctional family myself. My DH has 2 brothers and 3 sisters. One sister lives here in the U.K, another lives in Australia and another lives in the US.

I’ve always thought my presence was grudged whenever I was in my MIL’s company when all her daughters were there. My other SIL (Married to DH’s brother) must feel a bit like that too because of something she said to me.

When 2 of my SIL’s moved abroad, whenever MIL needed help, if her own daughter couldn’t do it she would ask me. I eventually got to realise over the years that I was only “required” if I was needed for something.

My DH doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother (his dad isn’t around) and neither does is brother. They both feel as if their mum has always been just for her daughters and never for them, ie, the boys have never had a birthday party, had to pay for their own driving lessons, for given token gifts at big birthdays, whereas the girls have had 18th, 21st birthday parties, were each given £1000 for their big birthdays and were given driving lessons for their 17th (I was with DH when the girls turned 17).

Anyway a couple of months ago my MIL went in for a big operation, so there was only her 2 sons and one daughter here and she needed care when she got out of hospital. Her daughter works full time, my DH works full time but works away so 4 weeks away, 2 weeks here, I work from home, BIL doesn’t work and his wife works full time. When MIL came out of hospital her daughter sent all of us a timetable of when we were to be down at MIL’s house to help, we weren’t asked if this was acceptable to us, it was just expected. My DH couldn’t help as he was away but was expected to drop everything and stay with his mum when he came home. My SIL was expected to stay overnight with my MIL!!!
I didn’t say anything about what was expected of me, I just saw an old women who needed help and thought okay I will help as I could work from her house as long as I had the internet.
It turns out, my MIL only needed help for about 3 weeks, so all good.

MIL used to have little chats when I was down helping her and I honestly thought we would “bond” something I really wanted as I didn’t have that with my own mum.

Well last week, my MIL had her 60th birthday, I had asked SIL (the one who stays here) if anything special was being done. She said no. However, my other SIL’s and 2 nieces came home for her birthday, there was a big dinner but all us weren’t invited. It was all kept a big secret. My SIL who stays here knew all about it, and all the sisters just kept it to themselves.
To top it all, MIL sent me, DH, her other son and his wife pics saying me with all my beautiful granddaughters.......eh what about my daughter, your oldest granddaughter, actually your oldest grandchild, is she not included. MIL has posted this on Facebook, so my daughter (20) has seen this and has put “ok gran so am I not included as a granddaughter” to which my MIL has replied “oh don’t be so childish”

I’m fucking livid. DH is away just now but he is mad. I feel like taking a massive step back and telling them all to fuck off.

AIBU?

Jesus!

And you just drop that in about past Christmases when your DH has been away and they just leave you to it, like that's almost nothign! Shows you just how conditioned you've become to being treated like crap.

What a horrible woman and she's brought up two daughters with the same outlook.

PLEASE just tell them to fuck off. Give your own kids a brilliant example of exactly how you don't let other people treat you. Your DD is half way there bless her! If your DH is on side then there's no discussion to be had. Stop letting these HORRIBLE people use you and drop you.

'No we won't be coming for Christmas/doing you X favour/helping you out with Y. We're done, hearing about your secret birthday meal was the last straw really. You don't want us around unless it's to use us for something, so bugger off. If you have a problem, I'm sure the children and grandchildren you actually value will be only too happy to help you and we'd hate to impose our awful presence on you anyway!'

Exclude me then fair enough but exclude my children then all hell will break loose! There is no way I’d be wasting a minute of my time in their company!

Do you know which of the SIL's organised the event? If it was me I would have a word with her.

Also, have you asked your husbands brother's wife were they invited and how she has found the MIL / SIL's?

I've always felt there's not much point in big confrontations in situations like this. They aren't ever going to see your point and will have more excuses than a junkyard dog has fleas.

I'd just start refusing any (nonexistent) invitations and stop initiating any contact. Just back slowly away and leave them to it.

If there's an invitation just a 'Sorry, we can't make it' will do. And if there's a request for help, reply 'I'm sorry I won't be able to help out'.

Sometimes less really is more.

Jesus OP she really is a nasty piece of work and it sounds like her daughters are not much better. The next time she wants your help you can remind her of how horrible she was to her own grandchild.

Do your own thing on Christmas day. Even your kids can see her for what she is. I would definitely be giving her and her daughters a wide berth from here on in. Nobody needs that shit in their lives.

Just wondeting who are the 2% who voted YABU here?! I fully expected it to be 100% YANBU.

This is a nasty woman and her daughters have obviously followed in her footsteps. Ignore them all from now on, they don't deserve any of you.

My theory for what its worth is that her sons are being punished for her ex-husbands (perceived) failings. I've seen that happen before.

Have a lovely Xmas, knowing that she'll never get the opportunity to use you or make a fool of you again!

Fuck them, fuck them all

Why not have Christmas with DH brother and SIL

The secret birthday meal is appalling. Especially as you were lied to when you asked. The non-existence of your daughter in that FB post would be the final straw.

I'd not be available for any requests for help in future. Nor would I be visiting.

That is awful, Tryingtojuggle, I've never heard the like. How the woman had the front to exclude you and yours from her birthday do is beyond me. I wouldn't blame you one bit for going NC with her.

It's completely understandable for you to have tried hard to have a functional relationship with MiL given your own family background.
However - you are coming across of very aware of this, & the probable dynamic behind the disparity of treatment that MiL chooses to dish out - but internet-instant-psych-101-from -randoms isn't trustworthy or even helpful to you here. A game plan is, & with the benefit of hindsight (BPD mother, so I have some small understanding of your frustrations), here it comes ...

Now is the time to decide that you don't need to do it any more.
I suspect that any sorrow over that will be more about 'losing' the concept of a close family life than any actual loss of warmth or love or true, functional closeness.

I hope that you can celebrate the fact that you now no longer need to put up with MiL's ridiculous self-centredness & favouritism, or swallow the gall of e.g. the daughter who appointed you a task rota without consultation or a please or thank you.

The very best part of it is the that most of the MiL horror stories on AIBU boil down to not being about a MiL that the OP is comfortable in not liking or being liked by - but about a lack of DH support, recognition & respect for his wife.
I gave a little internal cheer to read that in your case - DH isn't all that fussed about his mother, has her measure & has learned from early experience that the only people his mother is going to favour are her daughters.

I say "favour" rather than "treat decently" because - between the lines - I'm picking up that MiL is a highly dysfunctional individual who will thrive on giving the runaround even to those Golden Ones who others perceive as being favoured.

It's time for you to go low contact, & back your daughter up.
There's only one person being "childish" here & it's not your DD.
MiL is a spiteful, manipulate old bitch, & I hope you feel free to tell your DD so in whatever age-appropriate terms you see fit. Indulge that "livid"!! - & hurrah for DH also being "mad" about it.

Use MiL's latest piece of ridiculousness about the Facebook GD pics & comments as your hill to die on - & your perfect, ready-made 'justification' for when her daughter/s lay the blame on you for 'over-reacting', 'not taking a joke', 'spoiling that child & making it all about you' - or whatever fucking Flying Monkey nonsense they spout in an attempt to wheel you back in for further servitude & insult.

Hope you are having a very happy weekend with DD & DH is soon safe home with the only family he needs - you & your kid/s.

I feel sorry for your children. How horrible. I would go very low contact. I woukdnt do any favours either, any requests can be passed back to her daughters. Dont feel bad, after all she clearly doesnt mind upsetting your daughter!

I'd speak to the brother's wife about this, to find out her views. But would be going NC with MIL and the rest.

I'd cut contact with her too. She has amply demonstrated her true feelings and colours towards you and your DD.

ha ha @Tryingtojuggleeverything, cross-posted with you in between making lazy sunday cups of endless tea ...

I’ve told DH I’m not going down on Christmas Day, daughter is saying she isn’t going either. My sons 19 and 10 say they aren’t too bothered.

Ace update. Have also just seen your DD is an adult now, revise that 'age appropriate language' upwards when you laugh with her about what an outrageous arsehole her GM is.

No reason for you & kids not to go NC now is there & if DH goes anything more than very very LC he is a fool. You don't want him to be the one left holding the reins when MiL potentially needs Care With A Capital C & all the Goldens are too good to offer it ...

Happy Xmas & keep it up :)

What a vile, horrible person your MiL - I agree you should step back and if she ever needs help again, tough. I find it difficult to understand how she can be so hurtful.

I hope the one person who voted YABU is your MiL, if not they are an idiot.

I’d block every single one of them and when they inevitably complained (because they only realised that they couldn’t contact you when they needed something), I’d tell them not to be so childish.

Oh @EL2019, I am hoping that becomes the family refrain, to be trotted out to every request/invite/blame-laying attempt - everything!

"Sorry, we are too childish to respond. Bye!"
"Mother, I am far to childish to be responsible for wiping your bum. Bye!"
"No thanks, we're having a childish Christmas at home this year, just us. Bye!"

MIL and the daughters sound toxic. Take a step back and don’t help them with anything else again. Definitely consider going NC or LC at least.

That's absolutely disgusting. She needs calling out!

Definitely go NC from now on. If your Dh still wants to pander to them then let him visit them alone, though by the sounds of it he'll probably be happy to go NC too. I'd block them on social media and also block their numbers so they cannot call on you to help when nobody else is available. Do not buy any Christmas presents for them or if you have already bought some, don't give them to them. Give them to a charity instead. They do not deserve your kindness. Fuck feeling bad if the old bat needs some help in the future. She's made her bed now, let her bloody well lie in it with her vile daughters. I certainly wouldn't encourage my children to maintain a relationship with her if she treats them like shit.

I think you have done more than enough for this family over the years,You have gone above and beyond for many years but enough now.Stop ...take a step back or run to the hills and leave them to it.You owe it to yourself. Look after your DH and your children and those who you love.I would be beyond hurt and angry too in your position,Just back away....fast!

Your DD is brilliant, you should be proud. Be more ballsy like her and cut these nasty people off. What really gets me is the fact the MIL sent you the pictures as well as posting them on FB. She did that to cause maximum hurt.

Fuck her.

And start preparing to say NO when she needs more care when she gets older.

She has laid her bed. And her daughters can help her lie in it - NOT YOU

Fuck 'em all off, so long as your DH and DD are happy to go along with it.
Why bother? They, and in specific your MIL, are just using you when it's convenient for them - you're like staff, not family.

Just don't bother any more.

Your poor daughter.
MIL obviously only tolerates you when needed.

LC for sure (on the way to NC) the sisters are horrible people

My parents are very like your MIL. You can't fix this. However, you can consider yourself released from all obligations to your MIL and her daughters.

Think about the freedom you now have, to live as you wish without considering your MIL's demands. My poor husband was treated like my parents' pet peasant for nearly two decades and I didn't see it. I was so enmeshed in the toxic dynamics of the family I was born into that I really couldn't see what was happening. It took some genuinely shocking favouritism and spite for me to recognise the pattern. Once I saw the pattern it was much easier to then break it. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time.