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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

67 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 04:36

We had a stressful family evening and not sure on this if I am being overdramatic or not. I don't think so. I am quite hormonal though (perimenopause). I also have anxiety so unsure if that skews my perspective at times.

We have some family on DH's side who tend to turn up and go off out shopping / pub. This has only started since they had DC. We have older DC but theirs are little. (two under 5)

This time we had his other extended family (about 12 in total) coming around in the evening to eat so i was quite stressed getting ready etc. usually DH joins in preparing etc but had been away abroad all week and only just got back.

So, his sister and BIL turned up in the PM and after a few minutes it became clear she was going shopping (arranging to meet his niece in town) and BIL and DH were going to the pub. Leaving me with the DC to look after at the same time as prepping this huge meal.

So, I didn't handle this well and just stood up saying What about the DC who is going to look after them? and went off upstairs leaving them all to sort that out. No-one had asked if I would.

So then the sister went out and DH and BIL kind of grumpily lurking round with the DC, (DH was fine playing with them etc but BIL sulky)

I went into the kitchen and tried to make polite chat about the journey etc but got quiet replies, asked if their DC would like a snack etc.

After about an hour SIL gets back and keeps apologising for going out, then they (BIL and DH) go off out to the pub. It's a weird atmosphere all evening.

The odd thing is, I had some funny comments this evening "Are you ok, this time of year tries the sanity doesn't it?" this kind of thing! Feels a bit like gas lighting. And no apology at just kind of trying to take my babysitting duties for granted.

Also was i being OTT? I mean mine are older and don't really need so much attention but I don't know theirs very well and felt it would have been too much to mind them and also try and cook at the same time.

Left feeling like some kind of drama queen. I didn't do this when ours were all though, unless we e.g. all got a grandparent to babysit and we all went out.

I did mention to SIL was BIL Ok as he seemed quiet and sulky earlier and she just said he isn't very 'good with childcare' something like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 10:36

It was actually MIL who asked me for them to all come for the meal yesterday. All she asked about was a meal not babysitting or anything

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 15/12/2019 10:36

I am sorry that you have such inconsiderate (extended) family.

You say . But then I am maybe a bit sensitive. In your shoes, I would not expect anyone to take such advantage of my good nature. If I were asked, I might perhaps have agreed but would have been much more likely to have looked to DH to entertain the little ones while I got ready for entertaining. Actually I would have expected him to take them out to leave me to it

Just taking my work for granted so that they can go shopping/to the pub while you are already preparing to entertain is just not on

Outrageous behaviour from BiL. Does everyone have to tip toe around him. Is your DH trying to help her?

Have you had a decent conversation with DH? He needs to give his head a wobble about what it is reasonable to leave you to do. Why isn't he cooking and preparing for his family to be entertained? You can at least get him to stop giving you lots to deal with.

I'm expecting that he is concerned about his sister. He should at least share those concerns with you rather than facilitate them dumping on you.

And generally don't let people assume you will do things. I think you were perhaps well advised to keep out of it til it was sorted by going upstairs. I might have laughed out loud at them for suggesting I was going to look after their DC ad cook to facilitate their leisure.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 10:38

I don't know what is going on with BIL - seems totally tuned out of his own family / DC it is really quite sad. I feel sorry for the DC. I do think their behaviour is somewhat related

OP posts:

ohwheniknow · 15/12/2019 10:40

you haven't been mad or hormonal you have just been assertive and they aren't used to their door mat answering back.

I think this is spot on as a summary.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 10:45

Do you think this kind of behaviour is common in many families?

I'm trying to remember when mine were small and it was nice to get some child free time but when I visited my brother we got my mum and dad to baby sit and we all went out for a bit (my brother his wife me and DH).

OP posts:

MitziK · 15/12/2019 11:29

Nah, not gaslighting. Just pisstaking and shocked to find out that you know it.

Now you've done this, capitalise on it. Each time they plan to come round, you go out and leave them to it. 'Aren't you staying?' 'Oh, no, can't possibly, got things to do, have fun, I'll be back later'.

You've done the difficult one, the first 'You can get to fuck' one. The rest are easy.

Obligatorync · 15/12/2019 11:40

Urgh I wouldn't call it gaslighting exactly, I don't know what I'd call it except incredibly cheeky.
I would now call them out on it every single time, and get your DH to do the same. If they want a babysitter, they need to ask well in advance.
On another note, all my life if we've gone to my aunt's house all the men have gone to the pub while the women make lunch. I find it bizarre.

LannieDuck · 15/12/2019 12:00

Now you've stood up for yourself, don't back-down. You were completely reasonable. There were two (quite significant) jobs to do - cooking and childcare - and 4 adults. No reason at all why one adult should be left with both jobs.

Did your DH really think you would host his family and he wouldn't have to lift a finger to help? Next time, suggest he does the shopping/cooking while you go out to the pub. See how much fun he finds it.

LannieDuck · 15/12/2019 12:01

@Obligatorync

On another note, all my life if we've gone to my aunt's house all the men have gone to the pub while the women make lunch.

Could you go with the men next time?

LuaDipa · 15/12/2019 12:12

You did the right thing, their behaviour was selfish and entitled. I could not cope with being in one of those families where the menfolk retreat to the pub while the women get on with the wife work. Why do men have children if they have no intention of parenting them?

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 15/12/2019 12:16

It’s not gaslighting that’s completely different.

It’s cheeky sods (including your husband) treating you like their staff while they bugger off and do their own thing.

Well done for taking a stand and saying that they need to sort out childcare themselves instead of assuming you would do it. Even if your husband had volunteered you without talking to you about it yet your in-laws should have asked you directly.

cstaff · 15/12/2019 12:40

This was quite common place back in the 70s and 80s when we were kids. We would visit relations and the men would take off to the pub and make it back just in time for dinner. No way would that or should that be tolerated these days. Cheeky fuckers.

strawberry2017 · 15/12/2019 12:43

The fact that they just all assumed that you would watch the kids whilst you were making their dinner is rude and disrespectful!
Well done for standing up to them all. Keep doing that so they stop behaving so badly.
I agree not gaslighting but terrible behaviour and if it was me I'd be saying something to my DH about it.

Obligatorync · 15/12/2019 12:48

@LannieDuck I try to avoid going round at all these days.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 15/12/2019 12:54

Yes it definitely felt as if they felt I was being a bit pathetic / not 'coping' or something. But then I am maybe a bit sensitive. I'm not really, I used to work with kids and these are a real handful

Stop this narrative that it is your hormones or anxiety or whatever because it is their behaviour that is wrong, it yours. You did not react to this situation in the way you did because of something "wrong" with you - it was because they took the piss.

It doesn't matter if they have a whole host of people to support them, or no one at all. These are their kids, not yours and thus their responsibility to look after and nit yours. I'm betting they weren't willing to babysit for you?

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 13:14

No, they never babysat for us when they were little. Yes I need to stop that narrative. I have never experienced this myself growing up in the 1980s. DH said something about getting left in the car with his siblings while his dad (possibly both parents) went to the pub though.

OP posts:

Mmpip · 15/12/2019 15:29

I absolutely agree with 'FudgeBrownie2019'. Couldn't have put it better myself....And massive brownie points for standing up for yourself...

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