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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

67 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 04:36

We had a stressful family evening and not sure on this if I am being overdramatic or not. I don't think so. I am quite hormonal though (perimenopause). I also have anxiety so unsure if that skews my perspective at times.

We have some family on DH's side who tend to turn up and go off out shopping / pub. This has only started since they had DC. We have older DC but theirs are little. (two under 5)

This time we had his other extended family (about 12 in total) coming around in the evening to eat so i was quite stressed getting ready etc. usually DH joins in preparing etc but had been away abroad all week and only just got back.

So, his sister and BIL turned up in the PM and after a few minutes it became clear she was going shopping (arranging to meet his niece in town) and BIL and DH were going to the pub. Leaving me with the DC to look after at the same time as prepping this huge meal.

So, I didn't handle this well and just stood up saying What about the DC who is going to look after them? and went off upstairs leaving them all to sort that out. No-one had asked if I would.

So then the sister went out and DH and BIL kind of grumpily lurking round with the DC, (DH was fine playing with them etc but BIL sulky)

I went into the kitchen and tried to make polite chat about the journey etc but got quiet replies, asked if their DC would like a snack etc.

After about an hour SIL gets back and keeps apologising for going out, then they (BIL and DH) go off out to the pub. It's a weird atmosphere all evening.

The odd thing is, I had some funny comments this evening "Are you ok, this time of year tries the sanity doesn't it?" this kind of thing! Feels a bit like gas lighting. And no apology at just kind of trying to take my babysitting duties for granted.

Also was i being OTT? I mean mine are older and don't really need so much attention but I don't know theirs very well and felt it would have been too much to mind them and also try and cook at the same time.

Left feeling like some kind of drama queen. I didn't do this when ours were all though, unless we e.g. all got a grandparent to babysit and we all went out.

I did mention to SIL was BIL Ok as he seemed quiet and sulky earlier and she just said he isn't very 'good with childcare' something like that.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 15/12/2019 06:01

It’s not gaslighting but they are cheeky fuckers, using you for free childcare while they go off gallivanting. Well done standing up for yourself. If they try it again, just say you’re coming too. e.g. ‘We’re going down the pub’, you: ‘brilliant, I’ll get my coat’.

Sexnotgender · 15/12/2019 06:03

Not gaslighting, just incredibly shitty entitled behaviour from all of them!!
I’m not surprised you were pissed off, I’d have been the same in your situation.

PlumsGalore · 15/12/2019 06:03

Well done OP, I don’t think they will assume you are the babysitter again.

Monty27 · 15/12/2019 06:07

Next time, if there is one, be the first in the pub and leave them all to it. Not a pub where they can find you though.
Bugger that for a game of soldiers.
Humph. CFS for sure Shock

Rachelfromfriends1 · 15/12/2019 06:13

What does your husband think about them dumping their children and running off?

Realistically I think you should both text them and let them know that in the future you can’t babysit for them like this so they shouldn’t assume/make plans based on you providing childcare

Also, one thing I don’t think you handled well was trying to be polite and make small conversation after, because it almost comes across like you’re apologising for the inconvenience when you were in the right and did nothing wrong. If you stood your ground, they wouldn’t have felt comfortable enough to leave those sanity comments.

Fr0g · 15/12/2019 06:19

Sounds as if they've just grown accustomed to you doing this, both your in laws and your partner,
discuss it with your husband (in a day or two, when things are calmer) and make it clear that although you have babysat the little darlings in the past, you will not be doing it going forward.
if the mother apologised when she returned, sounds as if she's got the message, but make it perfectly clear before they turn up again.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/12/2019 06:27

Cfs!!

Elodie2019 · 15/12/2019 06:28

BIL/SIL are in the habit of dumping their DC on you .

DH is in the habit of going out when he feels like it because you'll look after your DC on your own.

You called them all out on their behaviour and they reacted in different ways...

SIL apologised for going out,
DH sheepishly got in with it but still went out at the first opportunity,
BIL sulked like a big spoilt baby.

They were all a bit stunned because you said no to them hence the 'is she ok?' comments.

Don't revert back now you've set the bar. Don't let any of them take you for granted. You are absolutely NOT a drama queen.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2019 06:28

As others say, I don’t think you’re being gaslighted, just taken for granted. I think, because you’ve let them do it without comment in the past, they assume something must be getting you down now instead of realising you’ve always been a bit off with it but kept quiet.

Since it seems clear you don’t actually want to do this I think you need to be clear next time they come over and suggest going out and leaving you to look after the children - “Look, I realise this has become something you expect to do when you come here, but it’s high time You realised that I don’t actually like being your babysitter whenever you turn up. It is lovely to see you all. It is not lovely to be your childcare and I won’t be doing it as a matter of course any more.” And then don’t let them talk you into it for at least 6 months and even then, only when you really want to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2019 06:30

Yes. I think it is. They were clearly telling you their behaviour was fine and you are the one in the wrong. My brother / sil used to dump their younger than dd kid despite me being chronically ill and disabled (they refused to accept these facts about my health). We are nc now.

Beautiful3 · 15/12/2019 06:59

Good for you. I'm glad you asked that question, who is looking after their kids. Why should they assume, you'll do it?! Keep on saying it or go out and avoid them, every single time. Well done op. Proud of you.

Wiaa · 15/12/2019 07:22

All i want to say is well done you. CFers need telling and if they do it again do exactly the same thing. They are just trying to make you feel guilty.

IM0GEN · 15/12/2019 07:29

They are a bunch of CFers, using you for free food and babysitting .

Next time your husband arranges for his family to come round, YOU go out shopping / visit your own family / friends etc and leave then to it.

I bet it will soon stop when you husband is the one who has to cook and look after the kids.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 07:34

I think your dh knows more than he is letting on. He arranged to go to the pub. He knows they come and leave their kids. But didnt bother checking they werent leaving you with the kids AND cooking before arranging to go out?

DeathStare · 15/12/2019 07:36

I don't think it's gas-lighting. I think it's the family equivalent of wifework. They have so come to see this as your role that they just can't quite get their heads around the fact that it isn't. Interesting that the man seems to be worse for this than the woman! Clearly he sees it as women's responsibility to look after children even if they aren't their own children.

It's a bit like those families where the women clear the table and wash up after Christmas Dinner and the men go and sit down and chat and have a drink. If someone told the women one year decided to go and sit down and told the men to do the washing up they would probably think the world had gone mad. But it hasn't!

Well done you for calling them out on it.

Jupiters · 15/12/2019 07:37

Not gaslighting, no... But definitely is taking you for granted.

Littlecaf · 15/12/2019 07:38

I think next time just get a clear steer on what they want to do when they are at yours.

Something like “so we said we do dinner, so are we all going shopping in the day or going to the park? If BIL and DH want to nip to the pub shall we get a take away instead? What about the kids?” So it’s not assumed they’d be looked after by thin air.

Tigerty · 15/12/2019 07:41

Gaslighting would have been them saying they’d told you they were all going out and you were fine with it when they hadn’t said a word to you about it.

They are CFs and very rude for assuming you would do all the prep and childcare while they swanned off to have a good time. Well done for pulling them all up.

churchandstate · 15/12/2019 07:46

Cheeky sods!

pictish · 15/12/2019 08:04

Your dh knew this was the plan even if it was unspoken. He hoped you’d be too meek to protest and he’d be able to spinelessly side-step the issue of asking and being told no.

I would have openly stated my case on this one. It’s not cool to assume you’ll do the drudge work while everyone else has a nice time.
Who visits someone then goes straight out shopping anyway? Shopping...big woo. Take your bloody kids with you. Same goes for the men. Ask...and be prepared for a no.

Everyone expects women to accept being put-upon. You broke the social code by turning your heel. And good, you should.

Jeezoh · 15/12/2019 08:09

They assigned you the role of being the default adult whilst they pleased themselves. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

pictish · 15/12/2019 08:11

I would have said, “I’m not stressed or struggling in any notable way, I simply don’t appreciate the assumption that I will babysit so everyone else can please themselves. I am busy myself and no one asked!”

Who could argue with that?

cultmaskid · 15/12/2019 08:23

I hope they aren't coming back for Christmas if they have support and still expect you to look after their naughty kids
You poor thing
Have they left? Relaxing day today xx

Savingshoes · 15/12/2019 08:25

he isn't very 'good with childcare
As in your BIL isn't good at parenting his own DC or he isn't good at communicating his wants and arranging paid childcare for his own DC?
I would have said what you did and walked away too.
Cook and babysitter... you should have charged! Xmas Wink

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 15/12/2019 10:34

Yes they have gone now. Also, I think they wanted to stay but I said no to that in advance. So that may have ruffled a few feathers also!

OP posts: