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to keep a family secret when it doesn't feel right

181 replies

MilleniumForce · 15/12/2019 01:18

I have good reason to believe a close family member doesn't have the Dad they think they do. They have a sibling that they think is their full sibling.

It is an open secret between their Mum and the Mum's siblings, although it isn't spoken about.

The man who brought this person up as their own doesn't think he is the Dad and took the split with the Mum very badly. He was planning on doing a DNA test surreptitiously but decided against it.

This family has a lot of secrets that just about everyone seems to know anyway but no one talks about.

I am torn about somehow telling this person that their father isn't who they think it is but, for purely selfish reasons, I am reluctant to do so because it would tear the family apart and I would be made out to the bad one.

AIBU to keep schtum?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

539 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
RingsteadBay · 15/12/2019 03:04

People will deal with brutal truth better than they’ll deal with the realisation everyone close to them has been lying to them for years (insert shrug emoji).

steff13 · 15/12/2019 03:06

But she doesn't know it's the truth; she said she has good reason to believe. That's far from concrete fact.

Fr0g · 15/12/2019 03:13

if it's anyone's business to disclose this, its the 'parents' of the child concerned - keep your nose out of it. (and mouth)

Pierrettelasanguinaire · 15/12/2019 03:16

Oh you should definitely tell them, MillenniumForce. But choose your time carefully. Christmas morning would be a good slot, wouldn't it? A bit of family drama beats a stocking present every time, after all

Above, you say you have 'purely selfish reasons' for keeping your bleedin' great trap shut. So embrace selfishness now, and in perpetuity and KEEP IT SHUT, you interfering eejit.

katy1213 · 15/12/2019 03:20

Stop meddling.

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2019 03:27

"I am torn about somehow telling this person that their father isn't who they think it is but, for purely selfish reasons,"

That doesn't make you bad, it makes you despicable.

My DH raised a child that everyone knew wasn't his. The child, now an Adult has chose not to persue finding out via DNA, because it wouldn't make a difference.

Carry on the way you are and there'll come a point were you won't be able to live in your head.

Raphael34 · 15/12/2019 03:31

Mind your own business

HandsOffMyRights · 15/12/2019 04:26

It's absolutely not your place to say anything.

You would be very selfish to do such a thing.

Pixxie7 · 15/12/2019 04:26

Leave it you will open a can of worms that you can’t shut.

HandsOffMyRights · 15/12/2019 04:28

And hurtful.

Bluerussian · 15/12/2019 04:31

You're not unreasonable to keep schtum. Just make sure you carry on keeping schtum.!

If there are any doubts about paternity it's up to those directly involved to talk about it, not you. Try not to think about something which is not really your concern.

Best wishes.

DoTheHop · 15/12/2019 04:34

You're a meddler.

eaglejulesk · 15/12/2019 04:51

It's not your place to tell them something so life changing. Keep out of it!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/12/2019 04:59

Oh god no, this will end so badly for you. Don't do it.

Friends of ours have a DD who thinks the DH is her bio Dad. He isn't. They met when the DD was tiny and she's never questioned it. Nobody mentions it, primarily because it's nobody else's place. It's one of those unspoken things that came about because her biological Dad is an absolute shitwhistler. Not my place to even have an opinion about it.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 15/12/2019 05:19

The child. That was me! Everyone on my mum's side 'knew' (or had suspicions) the man bringing me up wasn't my dad.

I was told by my mum when I was 31, while driving on the m25 in rush hour traffic. She wanted to divorce the man who brought me up to get back with my uncle (the other possible dad). Her and my 'uncle/dad' wanted me to take a DNA test, not for my benefit, but to hurt the man who'd brought me up. He's brought me up as his own child despite not knowing 100% I was his, he never once treated me differently to my other siblings.

So I kept the ultimate power and flatly refused to do DNA test. Ended up moving far far far away and now have two dads who both think I'm theirs.

Sorry to me-rail this thread a bit, but I think you should just stay out of it. I know it's a burden carrying a secret but you will do more harm.

QuiteForgetful · 15/12/2019 05:26

On second thought, don't get involved.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2019 06:08

Is agree with not getting involved. This is not your secret to tell especially as you don’t even know if it’s true.

StreetwiseHercules · 15/12/2019 06:12

You say you would be devastated, so why do you want to devastate someone with this information?

How can you not see that you should mind your own business?

Bewarethesealions · 15/12/2019 06:55

I would definitely be the bad guy forever and would be ostracised from the family but from the other persons POV shouldn't they know?!

Not your secret to tell. Keep your nose out.

Mlou32 · 15/12/2019 06:57

I think you would be made out to be the bad one because you would be the bad one by blurting out stuff that has nothing to do with you.

Keep your nose out.

sexandthecityreviver · 15/12/2019 06:58

I agree not your secret to tell.

Pinkarsedfly · 15/12/2019 07:05

How would the ancestry testing kit help?

The results come back as ‘70% Irish/26%English/4%sub-Saharan African’ not ‘50% Maureen/50% Nigel’.

OP, keep your nose out and your mouth shut. You don’t know the full facts or who knows what. There’ll be a can open and worms everywhere, mostly on you.


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Dustarr73 · 15/12/2019 07:06

Its not your secret to tell.And i say that as someone who found out at 13 Dad wasnt my Dad.

Also you dont know for sure.It could be gossip.Why blow someones life apart about something that serious.When you dont even know its true.

KatherineJaneway · 15/12/2019 07:07

I would be made out to the bad one.

Because if you said anything, you would be. You have no proof you are right and, even if you are, you have no idea if the other person actullay wants to know this truth.

To be honest you come across as being desperate to cause a huge drama you would be at the centre of.

pictish · 15/12/2019 07:15

No I would not take it upon myself to be the bearer of that news.

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