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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family holiday

42 replies

ScoobyCan · 15/12/2019 00:59

Recently divorced. Family were utterly shite in their support of me during two and a half years of divorce proceedings including court crap. Narc ex is a bully, emotionally and financially abusive, awful "man".

Suddenly now I'm divorced the massive mammoth in the room has seemingly disintegrated and I am no longer persona non grata. DF phoned today and said "I have booked a week away trip in a villa for all (14 members of) family to XXX next summer your flights - you, and your DC - are on such and such a day would you like to come?"

I was initially delighted to be invited - they've not included me in any family occasion for two years.

I have a partner. He's been my rock for two fucking hard years - and through the shit my family have put me through despite going through a most hideous divorce. I'm alive because of him. My children still have a mummy, because of him. He hasn't been mentioned in this invitation. I'm sad. He's sad. What do I do? AIBU to decline the invite? Do I ask my DF to include him?

They barely know him because of how absent they've been for the past two years ☹️

OP posts:
Thehop · 15/12/2019 01:02

Sounds like they’re feeling guilty and trying to pay it away.

Not inviting your dp allows them to shine front and central as your support network.

JennyWoodentop · 15/12/2019 01:07

Reread your first paragraph & then think about whether you want to have anything to do with these people, never mind play happy families on holiday with them & having to be grateful for whatever crumbs of kindness they feel inclined to throw at you.

Then reread what you said about your partner & think about having a holiday with him even if you can't afford a fancy trip like your family is planning.

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2019 01:09

I’d decline. I think you owe some loyalty to your partner over this. Spend your holidays with him.

This doesn’t mean cutting off your family completely. Things may not last with your new partner - it’s still early days.

pumpkinpie01 · 15/12/2019 01:15

I would be inclined to say ' thanks for the invite but I would feel a bit mean going on holiday without dp as he has been great while I have had so much crap going on ' and see where the conversation goes from there. But after they haven't been supportive at all over the last few years I wouldn't be keen on going but then again if the dc would enjoy a big family holiday it would be a shame for them to miss out. But then again if your dp isn't invited it's really not fair on him .

YouRemindMeOfTheBabelfish · 15/12/2019 01:23

What pumpkinpie said.

DeathStare · 15/12/2019 01:29

I would accept by saying "Thank you myself, DP and the DC would love to come".

Maybe they aren't sure how serious your relationship is and whether it is appropriate to include him. Once you make it clear to them that your DP is an un-excludable part of your life, their response should tell you everything you need to know.

AJPTaylor · 15/12/2019 05:01

If you think the kids will enjoy it, accept it at face value and go. It's a week or so and is a generous offer.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/12/2019 05:23

Mention him. He's been more like family to you than they have.

They can't buy you back.

coolwalking · 15/12/2019 06:16

I'm going to against the grain here. My family are completely useless in situations - their dramas have always made me have to do everything for myself etc. So I understand how isolated it can make you feel.

If you want to build bridges with them, I would go. You can talk about your partner so they can see how much he means to you. Having him there isn't going to help you and your family sort out the bad blood that has occurred due to them being awful. It might give you an opportunity to show them how strong you are now (without their help).

Your kids might enjoy it too and your family might see/ realise what they have missed out on.

However, I would completely understand declining the invitation. It can often be the wronged party that has to compromise in order to heal.

I hope your family and you partner support you in the decision you make.

Original poster
ScoobyCan · 15/12/2019 07:22

Thanks everyone - really helpful responses which allow me to weigh up what to do next and process how I'm feeling - I do feel so torn because of the bridge building, however there's so much stuff that seems to have just been brushed under the carpet for instance my 'D'M raised her hand to me 18 months ago and I haven't forgiven her for that. I also see it from DP POV- he has kept me going for so long, he is as I say my rock, and it's a shitty thing to do to not include him. We are spending some time (a day and a night) together with them all just after Christmas to test the waters. Perhaps they will then see how important he is to me and to my DC.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 15/12/2019 07:24

I would say that of course there needs to be room for dp too after all he has done for you in such a difficult time. Then whether I went would depend on their response to that.

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2019 07:52

You're Mother hit you while you were going through the worst time of your life?

Was this typical of your childhood? Do you think they helped set you up to accept abuse?

Are the partners of Siblings paid for, when booking holidays?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 15/12/2019 07:59

I'd never go on holiday with or allow my kids to be around a relative who thought it was acceptable to raise their hand to their adult child. Well any child really.

partyhatsoff · 15/12/2019 08:33

They’re your family - go and mend bridges.
If they barely know your boyfriend why would they invite him? Maybe they don’t know how serious it is.

partyhatsoff · 15/12/2019 08:35

DW and I occasionally go on separate hols - you don’t need to take your boyfriend on every holiday you go in with your kids. That’s normal to do.
Unless he’s dying to spend time with your family for some reason?

ScorpionQueen · 15/12/2019 08:36

It's a villa, it would be easy to add him. Go, but only if he can come too.

Original poster
ScoobyCan · 15/12/2019 08:42

@WendyMoiraAngelaDarling @Ponoka7 - I think this is why I'm now regretting my initial response which was "wow, thanks for including us, we would love to come." Sadly the marriage ended and my exH has basked in all his narcissistic glory, during the divorce I realised my family dynamic was most probably the reason why I married him as I was the scapegoat, the unlovable child, the empath. I've learned a lot.

Looking back on the past two years I was abandoned by them, during the hardest time of my life, they made it so much harder by being so awful, and now I'm thanking them for including me, as if I'm the one at fault? Thanking them for letting me back into the fold like the black sheep I've always thought I am?

Things are improving between us and August is a long way away, (siblings' DH's are paid for), but I would be really interested to know when it was first spoken about as I can't help but think that I'm an afterthought. And with DP not being invited - and they probably don't realise how serious it is - they're calling the shots again and telling me what to do ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
ScoobyCan · 15/12/2019 08:43

@Ponoka7 Was this typical of your childhood? Do you think they helped set you up to accept abuse?

Yes I do.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/12/2019 08:45

I know this isn't the point of the thread but isn't it very unusual to book flights for someone and a holiday and then ask them if they want to come? Woukdbt they normally ask first and check dates? It almost seems a bit...controlling or something?

Anyway if you want to build bridges, I'd go, and ask if your partner can come (you can pay for his flights with him if you dont want to ask them to do this)

Original poster
ScoobyCan · 16/12/2019 12:27

@OoohTheStatsDontLie I am coming to the realisation that you're right. It's not normal. The conversation started with "we were thinking of going on holiday next summer" and ended with "you fly out at XX:XX from X Airport, and return on X date at XX:XX, I've rented you a car and the villa is booked."

😐

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/12/2019 12:33

They sound pretty toxic.

I think you'd be better off focusing on you and DP in the future, rather than trying to get 'back into the fold'.

Dontdisturbmenow · 16/12/2019 12:42

Sorry but I don't think it's unreasonable of them to expect you to come without him. So 2hst he's been your rock, it has nothing to do with them.

They are prepared to pay for you and your kids clearly to rebuild your relationship as a family. Why would they invite someone they hardly know? Even more so if he had something to do with the break up.

I think you sound quite ungrateful to the fact they are inviting you to a free holiday. Nothing is stopping you going on above holiday with him and your kids you can pay for.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/12/2019 12:56

After all that has gone bridges need to be built more slowly than a massive family holiday. That says to me they want to paper of the cracks and act like they have done nothing wrong. Is that what you want or need? I think it would mess with my head.

Original poster
ScoobyCan · 16/12/2019 19:39

Honestly I really appreciate your replies as reading them all enables me to understand why I'm so torn about what to do.

I think after we've spent a weekend with everyone this Christmas, and as the family dynamic progresses and improves in 2020 with the inclusion of everybody, we've got enough time for everyone to get to know one another a little better, and like a PP said, it's a villa - it's not like an invitation couldn't be offered when they know him better.

And for a PP who suggested my new OH was the reason for the break up? No. My family detest my XH. The favouritism (golden child) of one child over the other; the significant financial and emotional abuse over the course of my entire marriage; the defrauding; the duplicity; the gambling - that was the reason for the demise of my marriage. Think person who dresses up in a suit, leaves every morning before the DC were up, with a packed lunch I had lovingly prepared, and comes home every evening (after 9pm...). For over a decade.

Turns out he didn't have a job. Those are just some of the reasons as to why my marriage broke down.

OP posts:
EC22 · 16/12/2019 19:44

Rightly or wrongly they don’t know him so not that unusual they don’t invite him.
If you want to go then go but don’t cause a scene that he hasn’t been invited. Talk about him when u go, maybe he will come next time. Sounds like a lot of healing has to happen between you and your parents.

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