Family holiday

[ScoobyCan]

Recently divorced. Family were utterly shite in their support of me during two and a half years of divorce proceedings including court crap. Narc ex is a bully, emotionally and financially abusive, awful "man".

Suddenly now I'm divorced the massive mammoth in the room has seemingly disintegrated and I am no longer persona non grata. DF phoned today and said "I have booked a week away trip in a villa for all (14 members of) family to XXX next summer your flights - you, and your DC - are on such and such a day would you like to come?"

I was initially delighted to be invited - they've not included me in any family occasion for two years.

I have a partner. He's been my rock for two fucking hard years - and through the shit my family have put me through despite going through a most hideous divorce. I'm alive because of him. My children still have a mummy, because of him. He hasn't been mentioned in this invitation. I'm sad. He's sad. What do I do? AIBU to decline the invite? Do I ask my DF to include him?

They barely know him because of how absent they've been for the past two years ☹️

Just tell them you have checked the dates and sadly dp has already booked you all something.
Yabu to allow the last 2 years to be brushed under the carpet imo.

If DP isn't invited I wouldn't bother coming. Why on earth were you not invited while you were going through a divorce - that sounds incredibly cruel. I don't think I'd want much to do with a family who throws out scraps at their own convenience and disappears when you need them most.

I’d decline.

I wouldn't bother trying to build bridges personally. I'd go NC with them competely (I have with my own parent and other family members, it's hard but worth it for my peace of mind)

I wouldn't bother trying to build bridges personally. I'd go NC with them competely

I agree with this. They basically kicked you when you were down and from the sounds of it, this was far from the first time.

Cut them out, and focus on the person/people who have supported you when you needed it most. They're your real family.

I honestly can't even comprehend the idea of not supporting my child/sibling through what you've endured.

I know this isn't the point of the thread but your xh didn't have a job all that time? How did he have money?

I agree that I should go NC with them all and that they were utterly horrendous to put me through hell during one of the most awful times of my life.

I have, however, made huge progress in order that my DC can still maintain relationships with their cousins, and by doing so they also see their aunts and uncles - the cousin relationships were the most important to me and something I wasn't prepared to deny my DC from having. Boundaries have been introduced - by me - and I'm learning to stick to them particularly with my DM. The trauma bond is much improved having done mediation with my siblings, and over the summer my DM wrote to me and apologised profusely for being an awful mother. The dynamic won't ever be the same (scapegoat) because I won't let it and I pull myself up every time I'm drawn to reveal information which is ultimately going to be used against me.

I know this isn't helpful as it's a massive drip feed but I've been working hard on getting to the point where I can manage it all on my terms, and I'm happy with how this is coming along: but it shows just how much control my DF still has by my not even questioning him about when it was all booked, and I should have said "thanks, can I think about it please?" before I said I was just so delighted to be included. My DC missed out this last summer and were devastated when they realised all the rest of their family were on holiday together. I wondered for a second about letting them go alone but I couldn't do that to them - not after DM raised her hand to me. I don't trust her and told her very soon after that she will never have charge of my DC again.

@Josephinebettany - family. His. Facilitators. Enablers. They've ruined him. I had no idea. I recently watched Beautiful Boy with Steve Carrell recently and it was heartbreaking. The realisation that they have and will continue to feed his addiction without asking where it goes, means he will never ever learn. My children at a very early age have learnt the value of money, and that one needs to work bloody hard to earn a wage to keep a family afloat and buy nice things.

So I've just done it - phoned and told DF we won't be going. He had to ask for some time to digest, then called back around 20 mins later and put on a bit of pressure which made me cry. I can't handle feeling this guilt when I shouldn't be feeling any at all for quite simply asserting my boundaries.

Any messages of support would be most handy right now. I was diagnosed with PTSD in January hence why I've not been making any massive decisions but I knew I needed to let him know about this one. I'll reread the thread just so I know what was said and the reassurances given before!

Just seen this OP and wanted to offer a bit of support
You're right not to go
And your family are being unreasonable
I'm lucky enough that my adult children still come on holidays with me and I always always invite partners/friends as well
You have nothing to feel guilty about

Damned right not to go

What was it that finally prompted you to make the call

How was Christmas

They’ve treated you appallingly

Thank you @MotherofTerriers, that's really helpful. I feel so upset but it's the right decision: the holiday where DM raised her hand I had my car, and could have left for home (I packed our stuff and was going to leave, sibling persuaded me to stay). This summer it's an island holiday - flights are weekly, nowhere to go. It terrifies me quite frankly, that I could well be totally isolated and like my boundaries were being clearly stepped all over. The PTSD isn't helping because it's March and the holiday is August, but I feel i need to protect my MH here. I hope in years to come my adult children will enjoy being invited with their friend / partner - but I wouldn't put pressure on, in fact I would discuss it before booking anything!

You are doing the right thing , a holiday can't rectify the lack of support and it would be better to allow yourself to think about how you want the relationship with your family to heal than having it forced on you

@MzHz - thank you. DM used my PTSD dx to justify my behaviour over the past two years to wider family members / probably her entire town. After having asserted healthy boundaries, she trampled all over them. I should've learnt by now that she cannot be trusted with private information about me.

XH has also said he wants to take DC abroad this summer - he can't manage to look after them for more than 4 days in the UK let alone a week in a different country. I have now said I'm not prepared to let him do that this year: it would be hypocritical if I then took them abroad.

It's all so messed up. I need to stop feeling guilty for being assertive!

Christmas was 'fine', they were very welcoming to DP and everyone behaved - I had to put DM back in her box a few times / ignore the blatant poking, but it was good to get the cousins together. Afterwards, despite the pleasant time together, DP said it just wouldn't be his scene to join the family holiday (despite there being no invite forthcoming) which I totally respect and understand - my family are very (incredibly) formal, and it's not particularly relaxing (eg I had to ask that we didn't do black tie on the family Christmas dinner....).

You made the right decision for all the right reasons! Massive well done!

Seriously wish you all the best fighting the PTSD, sounds like you’re making good strides to recovery, keep on with the boundaries!

Your dp sounds good too! On the same page!

Thanks @MzHz - honestly it is so helpful a) writing it down and b) getting objective opinions - I sometimes feel so dissociated I doubt myself. When I do write it down and recall the various events of the last few years, it rings various alarm bells, the memory of which helps to put things into perspective. There's no way - with my head where it is currently - that I would feel comfortable going through what I went through two summers ago with my family, not least in a foreign country. One sibling has commented that they totally understand my position. 'D'M&F will probably sulk for about a week before speaking to me. It's interesting how whenever I have contact, I go downhill... the writings on the wall to go back to LC, I'm not sure i have the strength for total NC currently. Boundaries are what's important!

I know how you feel in some ways. After over a year off work with mental health issues, I've come to the realisation that I need to live a different way and it's scary.

The most important thing for you (and me) is protecting your mental health. No matter how much support you get it's a change you have to make yourself and it's hard. Good luck.