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AIBU?

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Original poster

Traumatic evening *trigger warning DV*

49 replies

shadesofgrey24 · 15/12/2019 00:00

Should I stick with my very troubled husband?? My DH of 15 years is prone to bouts of heavy drinking and they often lead to big showdowns where he says he wants a divorce! He says he loves me but my moods drive him mad.
He is a very volatile man, loving and kind most of the time but can snap very quickly if I annoy him... when he's had a drink it can be very frightening.
I've held my family together for nearly 20 years - my DD is 22 (previous marriage) and our DS is 15. However our son witnessed the aftermath of his dad striking me and pushing me off the breakfast bar stool this evening following his screaming and shouting! I honestly thought he was going to seriously injure me he was so angry! I try to pacify him every time, I hate confrontation.
I've clung onto this man every time he has got aggressive (at least 3-3 times a year) and said he wants to leave me but I really feel that this is giving my kids the wrong message and I am failing myself!
I self harmed myself today as knew there was a huge fight building and I never seem to have the strength to say - ok let's get divorced!
Please - has anyone any words of wisdom? I'm broken tonight ...

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/12/2019 00:04

Yes please leave him if possible. Do you have support

HomelessnessIsABigIssue · 15/12/2019 00:04

Firstly - chat with your son. See how he is feeling about what happened. Be a supportive and listening ear.

Secondly - you need to leave this man. Talk to a friend/your daughter/a professional and work out how to leave and when.

There is no need and no reason to stay.

Sending you a hug Flowers

Idontkowmyname · 15/12/2019 00:07

I can’t make the decision for you but for me my “point of no return” is any physical violence. In your situation, I’d leave. I also say this as someone who is still suffering the effects of a volatile alcoholic father. Your DS should not be exposed to this.
Try not to be too hard on yourself about the self harm just make sure that you are not at risk of infection as a result and keep any injuries clean, seek medical attention if necessary.

TildaTurnip · 15/12/2019 00:07

I think you’re finding strength in wanting to make sure your son is not around this and this is what will help you to get out of the relationship. Practically-is there someone you can trust to help you with the logistics of getting out financially etc?

user764329056 · 15/12/2019 00:09

Bring the damage to both you and your son to an end, neither of you should be suffering like this

SexlessBoulderBelly · 15/12/2019 00:11

Leave, for your children’s sake not just yours.

If your son witnessed that tonight, how would you feel if this is how he behaves toward women in the future? Behaviour is learned, he’s seen now and at 15 is a very influential age.

Leave for the sake of your children. Show them that is unacceptable.

I really hope you can find the strength and support to get yourselves out from under him Flowers

Idontkowmyname · 15/12/2019 00:11

Op, Aibu can be a bit brutal at times, if things turn in this thread(and I hope to god they don’t) please don’t be discouraged from posting and just ask for the thread to be moved to relationships so you can continue to get the support you need and deserve

Singlenotsingle · 15/12/2019 00:12

Why on earth do you stay with him? He doesn't want you or love you. If he did, he'd treat you nicely. LTB.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/12/2019 00:13

I'm so sorry OP. Like a PP said - don't be too hard on yourself about the self harm.

I think you know you need to leave him. You shouldn't have to put up with this and your children shouldn't be around it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2019 00:34

I held it together too.

I spent years thinking the same way you did.

Then he tried to kill me.

The police removed him and social services made it very clear that if I had him back that I would lose my children virtually straight away (one of the markers of a man who will not respond to treatment is attempted strangulation, which is why RESPECT wont take them for treatment) and he tried to kill me that way.

I am glad they took the decision away because otherwise I would have had him back. That was 15 months ago and our lives are immeasurably better.

Please contact Womens Aid, they will help you to realise just how bad this is and hopefully you will find yourself able to take the first step. I wish I had done it 12 years sooner.

On the day I married him, I was wearing special make up to disguise the bruises.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2019 00:35

I self harmed too. I wear the cigarette burns (I gave up shortly after he left) with pride as my badges of survival.

AlunWynsKnee · 15/12/2019 00:40

This is your life. He is going to do this again and again. Imagine being 70 and he pushes you over. It isn't normal.

THEDEACON · 15/12/2019 00:40

Don't leave throw him out preferably also have him arrested for DV then you divorce him Good luck

LadyAllegraImelda · 15/12/2019 00:41

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

It's only going to get worse.

You need to find the strength to put your son first, he is likely to grow up thinking this is a normal way to treat your partner.

Don't tell him you are going to leave, the most dangerous time for DV victims is when the perpetrator finds out this. Do it in secret, when he is out.

Good luck, time to be strong Flowers

Selmababies · 15/12/2019 00:42

He pushed you off a breakfast stool? What a vile thing to do.
Did you end up on the floor as a result and are you bruised or injured in any way? This is physical and domestic abuse. You should report it to the police and see a doctor to get your injuries recorded.
Then divorce him. he'll only get worse and this is no way for you or your children to live.

Coyoacan · 15/12/2019 00:58

A friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive relationship for eleven years to the point that it permanently affected her health. It was going to therapy that helped her to leave. You sound like you could do with some therapy, OP.

Al Anon is a sort of group therapy for the families of alcoholics, while the Freedom Programme is for women in abusive relationships and both of them are free.

Catsandchardonnay · 15/12/2019 00:59

It’s a sign of how much he has abused you that you are even questioning what to do. He’s twisted your mind so much that you think this is a reasonable way to live and that you should stay with him. It isn’t and you shouldn’t. You’re going to do an awful lot of harm to your kids if you stay, they won’t know what normal is either. This isn’t normal. It’s abuse. Get out or get him to leave. Good luck.

LexMitior · 15/12/2019 01:04

Please leave him before he seriously hurts you. Every time you stay, in his mind it gives him permission to get worse with you. This is why DV escalates and btw if a stranger in the street did this to you it would be assault. It is still assault at home.

Please understand that it being in the home makes it more dangerous for you, not less. Can you go to your GP tomorrow and tell them what has happened? Then 101 the police.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2019 01:07

If you'd hot your head being pushed off the stool, you could be dead now with your 15 yo only having one abusive parent left.

Seek help. Please. As soon as you can.

Merryoldgoat · 15/12/2019 01:08

Yes, of course you should leave him.

SteelRiver · 15/12/2019 01:09

Please, please think about removing yourself, or him, from this situation. You dont want your son growing up thinking this is how women can be treated. If you feel in danger, please contact the Police and have this man removed. Lors of good advice above on agencies that can offer help and advice. You've tried long & hard enough to keep your family together. You dont deserve to have this thrown back in your face.
Thinking of you. Flowers

Rottnest · 15/12/2019 01:20

The fact that you are now self harming says it all really for me. This is the end of the road really, the next step is he will iinjure you badly, or kill you, leaving your son without a capable parent.

Yes, you must leave, ASAP. Contact the police, today, set things in motion to get him away from you and from your son, who can only be injured further by the presence of this man.

Its doubtfull if he can ever change. Your son does not deserve this life and neither do you.

Please call the police.

justilou1 · 15/12/2019 01:36

God no! Get him out or get you and son out of there ASAP! Press charges if you have to! Your son should not bear witness to that, nor should he see you minimize or justify his dad’s behaviour!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 15/12/2019 01:39

How sad for you op it’s understandable that you feel confused and worn down this situation didn’t happen overnight

If your friend was telling you this happened to her you know you would be saying enough is enough no more and you have to believe that not only for yourself but also your children

You have to either leave or report him so he has to leave

Women’s Aid will advise

Freedom Programme is really worth doing to help you understand your situation when you have moved on

You are not alone and you will have support here

He wont change but his violence will get worse his aggression will get worse his drinking will get worse because that is what always happens

Please be kind to yourself

lexiepuppy · 15/12/2019 01:41

Phone Women’s Aid and they will give you advice and help.

You need to do the Freedom programme and buy a copy of Lundy Bancroft book : Why does he do that?
This book tells you all about abusers.

You need a safe exit plan. You and your children need to be safe from him, then you can work on building yourself back up again.

Believe in yourself. You can do this.

You can get away and be free.

Life will be much better away from this abusive man and you can start to heal yourself.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

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